Today, I broke down and sobbed all day.

[RevCheesehead]

I was trying to give my cats their antibiotics (in pill form; thanks, vet!). They clawed, scratched, and bit me, fighting all the way. I took a break, then realized that it was either the medicine, or let them get sicker and hasten their death (they're both 16). I finally forced the pill down Binky's throat, and she bit me, drawing blood. This reminded me of the night Roo died, when he bit me deeply.

As I was washing out the wound, and dipping it in peroxide, I began to sob and sob uncontrollably. I guess it's the cumulative effect of losing Roo last year (May 17), and knowing my Mom's birthday is on Monday (May 8); and being bombarded with ads for Mother's Day...

Sometimes it all piles up, deeper and deeper, until all you have left is the need to cry. I literally cried my eyes out - my contacts came out, seemingly on their own. The rest of the day hasn't been much better. The only break I got was when I slept this afternoon.

Grief - it ain't for the feint-hearted. :(

[livetohike]

1. Here is a big hug for you

:hug:

The grief magnifies everything - it makes it hard to be objective about other things that happen in our lives. This has been my experience. I lost my Dad in Nov. 2004 and my favorite Uncle died in Oct. 2005. I see the cumulative sadness in my face now.

Try hard to remember good times you had with your Mom. Concentrate on helping your kitties get better.

:hug: again. This is so hard (grief).

[RevCheesehead]

2. Thank you so much.

I got through her birthday OK (yesterday), and could feel her with me all day long. I still talk to her - it's just that sometimes, I wish I could hear her replies, or just get another hug from her.

Thanks, livetohike. :hug:

[flamingyouth]

3. I'm sorry

It's just really hard, my friend. :hug:

[RevCheesehead]

4. Sometimes, it is.

Thanks. :hug:

[havocmom]

5. "Sometimes it all piles up" And sometimes it piles on too.

:hug: for Rev Formage

The tears are good. Cleans out the tear ducts and lets pressure off our hearts.

Then our hearts can remember fondly and we can see the hundred thousand miracles of every yesterday.

May you soon see the hundred thousand miracles of today again.

She's with you.

[RevCheesehead]

6. Thanks, havocmom.

Tears are good. I often tell people that they're there to show us how much, and how deeply we loved someone.

I'm doing better. I made it through her birthday, AND Mother's Day (I spent the weekend with my Dad).

:hug:

[havocmom]

7. Hey, Rev, just doin a welfare check

How ya doing? How is your dad?

Kiss cats for me & :hug: to you

[RevCheesehead]

8. Thanks, havocmom.

We're doing well. My brother is out on vacation, and is at Dad's today, and will be coming here tomorrow with his 2 kids. Pray for my cats!

I'm doing well, too. Very busy with lots of church stuff, but overall, it's headed in the right direction. I still have my moments, on occasion, but now I just feel like Mom's with me all the time.

Thanks so much for asking. :hug:

[havocmom]

9. Am going through a tough time now. Missing my mom

and thinking of you. Hope you are getting along OK.

My mom, gone 10 and a half years now, really LOVED Independence Day. I've been really weepy and lost for a couple days, despite things going well (for a change :D) Couldn't figure out what the problem was.

Talked to my Wayward Daughter last night. She was getting things ready for a bit of performance art/protest for today. She said she had been thinking of Grandma a lot and felt her close by as she worked on her project for July 4th.

THAT WAS IT! I hadn't really put it together. Mom WAS the Fourth of July to me. She loved the parades, the fact that folks took time to remember and honor the birth of our nation. And she loved the All-American summer picnic. Nobody did picnics like my mom, and the one for Fourth of July was ALWAYS special. I think it was her most holy day.

So I have been feeling her absence very keenly of late. And as I feel it, I also think of you and hope you are doing OK learning to handle the bitter-sweet treasure of remembrance.

Happy Independence Day, Rev. I salute our mothers. I salute the Founding Mothers. :toast:

Bless 'em all.

[RevCheesehead]

10. Wow.

Yeah, I wonder if our moms are together, conspiring in a way to reach out to us.

On Sunday, my sermon combined the texts of healing with the gift of independence... but then turned it around to say we cannot have independence without realizing our interdependence with one another... as individuals, families, groups, church, and as a nation. It was one kick-ass sermon that addressed the responsibility of the individual to speak out in protest when the nation goes astray. And to realize that our freedom of religion includes the freedom to practice (or not practice) it in the way that seems best for us.

You know, this sermon has been gnawing at me for a couple of days, and I'm thinking I need to write it down and post parts of it. Your response stirred something in me.

havocmom, close your eyes and give yourself a hug.... it's a hug from your mom, who is closer to you than you realize.
:hug:

[havocmom]

11. Please do post parts of that sermon!

Today would be THE day for it if you have the time.

Give me a heads up PM if you post it. Don't want to miss it.

Oh, and Mythsaje posted a GREAT rant this AM. Check it out. He does great stuff.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x1562767

Mom's with Wayward Daughter today. I know that. I'll muddle by. She'll drop in on me soon enough. She always does. Sometimes, I just miss hearing her voice. That and the potato salad ;)

[havocmom]

12. Damn, was just about to post a 'where the hell is the Rev when I need her' thread

And what do I spy?

Sweet Rev, so sorry the old kitties are breaking your heart right now. Stuff seems to be piling on a lot lately and even those of us covered with a thin candy shell can get whalloped.

The sobbing is good, but you know that already. I keep having a trickle of tears of late, but can't get a good sob on just yet. We need that sometimes just to clear out some of the ducts.

Is it something in the air right now? Season? Stupidity run amok when we are just trying to care and do good in the face of ever increasing loss?

There with ya. Gads, Sometimes we just need to step away and 'be little'. Hard when you are the one who has to be big for everybody else.

Take care of you while you are taking care of everyone else. Flu season not the time to get run down.

Take time to sniff the fur guys. Suck their smell in well. It will be good to remember it someday when they are gone. Damn, I still miss Smudge and she has been gone 8 years now. She died same time of year as anniversary of my mother's death. But ol Smudge hung on until Havocdad had entered my life. It was like she know I was in good hands and she could rest.

Damn, everything is piling up and most of the really aware people I know seem to be REALLY down right now. Makes the mystic in me just a wee bit worried about what might be up cosmic-ly.

Know we care about you, Rev. Know we have missed you a lot of late.

Know we send good energy and prayers for you.

And it's ok to have a good cry. Anybody objects has to deal with me and right now, I am ONE MEAN MOTHER. ;)

Love ya. :hug:

[pecwae]

13. ((livetohike, RevCH, havocmom))

Even 8 years after losing my son I still have days like those you describe, RevCH. It can be something as small as seeing a young man wearing the same sneakers as my Aaron always did; the dam breaks.

The buildup to those 'anniversaries' can sometimes even be worse than the day you're dreading. People have advised me "just don't think about it" or "get involved with something else." Of course, these same people have never lost someone they loved so deeply.

I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I'm walking the path beside you. That path incudes livetohike and havocmom. I'm here for you all.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[auntAgonist]

14. Pecwae, I think you hit the nail on the head

for me, the build up to the day of my Mother's death, birthday etc, is always worse than the actual anniversary. It's ten years this year since my Mum died, seems like just yesterday ...

Anyway, I'm short on words tonight but I am keeping you (pecwae) and Havocmom and the RevCheesehead in my heart and thoughts.


heh, that's a first eh? .. kesha with little to say?

:grouphug:

:loveya: all.

aA
kesha

[pecwae]

15. As always, kesha,

you are held closely by me. If ever you just want to talk about your Mum please, please do pm me. I care and I want to hear about her. My Mom and I didn't have a close relationship, she even pulled away from me when I sat with her as she was dying, and I appreciate hearing of the love between Mothers and daughters. Your support here and in the Cancer group shows the great heart you have!

:grouphug:

[RevCheesehead]

16. It's the buildup.

Just like wax, plaque, or clogged arteries, it eventually has to be dealt with, doesn't it? :)

Although I wrote the original post in December, there is the same feeling of buildup happening now. My first Valentine's Day without Mom. I lost it when I went looking for a valentine card for Dad, and realized I will never again buy one for Mom. I literally had to walk out of the store. But a few days later, I was fine.

Thanks for your heartfelt response. :hug: