Is anyone else having a tough time this Christmas?

[RevCheesehead]

I find myself losing it. Thankfully, not while I'm out and about, but when I get home after shopping, a long day at work, or whatever. Today I was decorating the tree, had Christmas music on, and just *BAM* - reduced to a sobbing heap on the floor.

My mom loved Christmas. We would talk about what to get the others, plan for our "after-Christmas" Christmas with the whole family (my brother and I are both pastors; therefore we are "busy" at that time), and just call and chat about some holiday special on TV. I miss that.

I'm allowing myself to enter into the pain and really feel it; but not dwell on it. I dunno - I guess I just needed to write about what I'm going through. Any other kindred souls out there?

[pecwae]

1. Always, every year.

My son loved decorating for Christmas and this is the first year I've been able to do that since his death 8 years ago. Special times, holidays, anniversaries, birthdays are all very hard.

Your grief is much newer than mine and you'll find it will soften over time, but it never truly vanishes. After a while all the precious memories will start to make you smile more rather then breaking your heart anew.

You're doing something I was not able to do at first; enter the pain. I stayed numb for years and it was unhealthy for me physically and emotionally. I'm glad you're permitting yourself to do that necessary work. Writing does help immensely if your'e inclined to journal.

Your post reminded me of a segment I saw last night about the parents of a young Iraq vet who came home a changed man. He hung himself in their basement and when the father started talking about it I completely choked. There are always things that will bring back the pain and most of the time you're not expecting it to happen; it'll just come out of the blue.

[RevCheesehead]

3. I was fortunate enough to have an excellent therapist years ago.

She told me that I needed to face my pain, rather than hide or mask it with food or whatever. So when the pain comes, I let it all come out. And in a few hours, I'm better.

I'm so sorry about your son. I don't imagine that pain EVER goes away. And with all the emphasis on "family" and "togetherness", it must be hard to live with the constant bombardment of messages of what Christmas should be like.

Thank you so much for your response. I really believe that in sharing, we find strength from one another. :hug:

[flamingyouth]

7. ...

:hug:

[skygazer]

2. Christmas is always the hardest holiday for me

My mom died over 30 years ago and I've had trouble with Christmas ever since. It didn't help that the first few Christmases after her death were very bad - I have many negative memories of Christmas, some downright horrible. It's been really hard over the years to figure out how to manage those feelings. When my kids were small, I felt obligated to pretend for their sake and it was terribly difficult. Then when they grew up and left home, I just tried ignoring the whole thing. But that doesn't really work either.

Then a few years ago, I had an epiphany. My mom, like yours, loved Christmas. She was the true Spirit of the season in our home and her passing left a gaping hole there that no one else even tried to fill. I still remember the ornaments and decorations that went on our tree, old and fragile some of them, some handmade by us kids, others passed down through generations. All gone now, of course but it occurred to me that perhaps by joining in the season, I can resurrect a bit of my mother.

All this time, I've been shoving it all aside but I've kind of been shoving her aside too because it's so painful to have her not be there. I thought perhaps if I try to enjoy it a bit, see it through her eyes, I can feel her with me, even just a little bit.

It's a work in progress. But every year, it feels a little better. I still don't have a tree but I have a few decorations I put up. I send cards. I buy some gifts. I watch Christmas specials. And I think about my mom and how much she would enjoy it all. And how much she'd enjoy seeing me enjoy it.

Merry Christmas. :hug:

[RevCheesehead]

4. Wow - you aren't going to believe this....

but someone told me an almost identical story as yours yesterday in church. She talked about entering into the Christmas season, and taking all her memories of her mom with her - in decorating, in baking, and so on. Reading your response, I wondered why it sounded so familiar. So I'm really paying attention to what you're saying.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it!

And a blessed Christmas to you this year. :hug:

[livetohike]

5. At Christmas, I especially miss my Grandmothers

We always gathered at my maternal Grandmother's for Christmas Eve. That whole side of the family would be there and she would make a traditional Slovak Christmas Eve dinner. She passed away in January 1992 and the last Christmas Eve at her house was in 1990.

I have lived away from home for decades and would make my own Slovak Christmas Eve meal. It would always remind me of my Grandmothers (both Slovak) and all the women in the family before them. It's mystical really. There is a mushroom soup made with wild mushrooms and sauerkraut juice. When I stir the mushrooms, it transports me to a country I have never seen and only heard about.....

This year, I will be home for Christmas and my family is carrying on the usual tradition. We will all be at my brother's and bless her heart, my sister-in-law is keeping the tradition although she never met my Grandmothers and is not Slovak :-).

I think both Grandmothers are smiling, knowing they taught their children and grandchildren well :-).

[RevCheesehead]

6. That's such a lovely story!

Thank you for sharing those special memories. I especially like the way you keep your grandmothers' spirits alive through your traditions.

[livetohike]

9. I hope you will smile this Christmas RevCheesehead

as you remember your Mom and the good Christmas memories, too :hug:.

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

[flamingyouth]

8. The holidays are really hard.

I think the first Christmas without a loved one is the worst. It's a combination of a lot of things: the emphasis on togetherness and family gatherings, the stress of the season and just missing the people who are gone. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. :hug:

[politicasista]

10. Kindred soul here..

My beloved aunt passed away Sunday night 12/10/06 (found late Monday afternoon) from a brain aneurysm and it's been so hard because she was in her late 50s, so healthy and very close to my mom. She loved Christmas and loved life as a whole, despite the recent trials.

It was very hard telling her only son and sole survivor that his mom was dead when he couldn't be with her. It's was difficult taking detailed messages about the arrangements and people wanting to bring food over, but telling them that you don't have time, when you really want to be left alone. It also wasn't easy staying up all night long and typing the funeral program, let alone the obituary, but we had the energy to stay awake because we know that is what she would have wanted, for us to keep going.

As far as Christmas shopping goes, We haven't done much. We are going shopping, but only to find clothes for the funeral, but we may try to get some things done next week.

Everything just feels screwed up right now, I don't know where to start. :(

[flamingyouth]

11. I'm so sorry for your loss.

How overwhelming for you to lose someone so young and so close to you. My condolences to your family. What a shock for all of you. I hope you know that you have support here in this group. Hugs to you. :hug:

[politicasista]

12. Thanks

:hug:

[livetohike]

13. My sympathy to you and your family politicasista

:hug: It's so hard to lose someone this close to the holidays (been there several times myself....I lost an Uncle when he was 53 years old due to a massive stroke on Dec. 15, 1985 and his mother, my Grandmother a month later, and his Aunt a day after that...(sisters).

The shock of it all - you just go through the motions, but I hope you will remember the good times you had with your Aunt and that it will soon replace the sadness.

[politicasista]

14. Thanks

I am so sorry to hear about your losses. We will be ok. :hug:

[auntAgonist]

15. I can only offer

my sincerest condolences to you and your family. Other's have spoken so eloquently.

:hug: for you politicasista

aA

[politicasista]

16. Thank you

:hug:

[pecwae]

18. Take this

:grouphug: and feel surrounded by our care. We are here for you.

[politicasista]

22. Thank you pecwae,

I made it through Christmas. My family had a nice one. In my aunt's memory, we used a red table cover for dinner with X-mas dishes, lit two red candles during, and added an ornament with her name on it to our tree. We know that's what she would have wanted. It's still hard to believe that she is gone.

Sometimes, it feels like last five years have been a bad dream, but we have to keep pressing on.

Thanks for the hug. :grouphug:

[flamingyouth]

17. It really hit me hard last night.

My fiance left this morning to visit his family. He hasn't seen them for a long time, and we agreed that he would spend the holidays with them and I'd spend them with my parents here. But this was all decided before I was diagnosed with cancer last month. Now I just feel very vulnerable. Plus our house has some damage from last week's windstorm (leaky basement and a leaky roof in the master bedroom). And to top it off, some Grinch stole my credit card # and charged several thousand $ on it last week. Luckily, the fraud dept. of my bank caught it right away. It just feels like one thing after another and I am very overwhelmed right now.

I think I hate this time of year. :cry:

[pecwae]

19. I answered you earlier, fy

but for some reason it didn't show up.

I'm sorry for all this. It's never a good time of year. but this time of year we are all expected to be happy and jolly; enforced good cheer. What is happening to you sounds so much like my old friend who is a one year survivor of Stage 4 LC. Seems like after she got that dx. last year the dam burst and all sorts of troubles have befallen her.

Wish there was something I could do. I'm thinking of you and holding you tight.:hug:

[flamingyouth]

20. Thank you, pecwae

You are so sweet and always have something inspiring to say, friend. :hug:

[we can do it]

21. I Hope Your Christmas Memories Brought You Some Comfort

Its been really hard without my mom- this was our third Christmas without her. I had a few sad crying bouts, but also some comforting feelings that she is near. She really loved Christmas, too and I think I did get some inspiration from her this year. Our family is somehow hanging together - she was the the true center of our family, and I miss her terribly.

Hugs & Blessings To You RevCheesehead

[havocmom]

23. Hang in there, Rev & the rest of our little group. One never knows when fate sends help.

Christmas is hard for me for many reasons, but a big one is that my mom died shortly after Christmas 11 years ago. I look at the little kitchen towels she sent me and see they are threadbare. Breaks my heart. The special sweatshirt she had a very young friend decorate for me is looking a bit rough around the painted edges, though I only wear it once or twice a Christmas season. This year, I tore the house apart looking for it and was nearly beside myself with ridiculous sadness that I could not find the last present my mom ever gave me.

LOL Fate comes gnawing at my doldrums....

Last time I spoke to her, she was upset that the one last present she had ordered had not arrived in time for her to send it to me by Christmas. Said it was something I had wanted since I was really little but she couldn't afford a full sized one, so she did the best she could. I squealed, "A merry-go-round horse!" She laughed," well, a little one, at least. I always knew you wanted one."

Background: Middle child, the one that sorta gets neglected and goes mostly unnoticed, that was me. Always so much drama and catastrophe going on in the family that I basically behaved and stayed out of the way, never asking for anything as there seemed to be enough stress without my adding to it with petty desires.

So, all those years I thought I was invisible, she at least noticed my love for those beautiful carved and painted works of art on carousel ponies. Amazing. That, in its self was enough of a gift. Told her it was OK the thing didn't arrive, not to worry, it's the thought that counts and all.

She told me she would get it too me later.

That was 11 years ago.

Today, I get an email from my older brother re a trip I will be making out his way in a few months. Since Mom died, I have only seen him once, when he was in hospital for bypass. We live a long way from each other.

Well, he mentions he has a little box for me. Something mom got me 'many moons ago'.

She evidently found a way to get the little horse to me, after all this time. I had figured my sister-in-law got it when it arrived after mom's death. I had just let it go and forgotten about it all.

So, shabby, faded kitchen towels and a sweatshirt (that finally did show up in a peculiar place) were not the last Christmas presents after all. Just as I figured it would soon be time to retire the last things my mom ever gave me... news that she had more on the way after all this time.

And sitting here, typing, I smell Metholadem (sp?). There isn't any in the house, but I smell it strong. Mom used it.

To all of you with heavy hearts, hang on. You never know when the fates will throw you a bone that may hit you in just the right ticklish spot.

Happy New Year, gang. We get by with a little help from our friends.

[auntAgonist]

24. all I can say is THANK YOU.

Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year to you.

:hug:

aA

[pecwae]

25. Here's a huge hug for that story ((havocmom))

It hit me in just the right spot.

:grouphug: to this caring, loving group.

[havocmom]

26. Mucho thanks for the big hug, pecwae!

I really needed that!

Hey, gang, da momma just made chicken stew with biscuits on top. Anybody up for a little old fashioned comfort food on a winter day? There's gingerbread cookies if you eat it all up ;)

[havocmom]

27. Welfare check on the Rev. How ya doing sweety?

Keeping you in my version of prayers for blessings and strength.

:hug:

[RevCheesehead]

28. Hi.

I just got back from our post-Christmas celebration at Dad's. My brother & family came out from PA, and we spent the weekend together.

It was good to be together, but it sure was hard, too. I was fine through most of it, until Dad and I went to Vespers (at his retirement home). The pastor said something about recognizing that not all of us will be here next year, and I had to get up and leave. I hate that, but the tears just wouldn't stop.

I guess the thing that bugged me the most was that the rest of the family wouldn't talk about Mom. Whenever I'd bring up something she did, or a funny story, they all got sort of quiet, and let it drop. I needed to talk about Mom.

So on my way home, I went to see one of Mom's friends, and gave her a Christmas gift. We talked a long time, and she willingly shared more stories about Mom. She gets it, because her husband died a few years ago. As she said, "you have to talk about them. You just can't keep that much love bottled up inside you."

A blessed new year to all of you, my friends, and thanks so much for being here. :hug::party::hug:

[havocmom]

29. "You just can't keep that much love bottled up inside you." WOW

She nailed it! Part of the sadness is not having them there so you can express your love. Your mom had a very wise friend there. And a wise daughter to seek out company who could really share.

Glad to hear about that. Gives us much to ponder. Part of our pain may well be the pressure of unexpressed love.

And, silly as it may sound, having never met all of our little gang in real actual person, I have to admit, I love all of you for your willingness to be open and express your hearts to reach others in pain and need. It restores me faith in people sometimes to just drop in and read such strong and loving thoughts.

Blessings on you, Rev, for the many ways you bring human back to humanity.

Bless us, everyone.

[RevCheesehead]

30. Love is a funny thing, isn't it?

You can't experience it alone. It's only love when you share it with someone. Otherwise, it's just a concept.

Maybe that's why I feel a need to go to the cemetery when I'm back home. It's always my last stop before I hit the road.

And one good thing about grief: If we've experienced it, and fully entered into the pain of it, it opens us up to find love in others. And more importantly, it opens us up to love others, especially when they're suffering.

And thank God for emoticons. Like this one: :hug:

[havocmom]

31. Went through a VERY bad divorce years ago. Damn near killed me.

I kept wondering WHY? but knew I had to face ALL the pain, not hide from any of it. A dear friend told me my husband had to leave me because in his soul, he knew he was unable to evolve the way I was made to. I thought she was nuts at the time.

Now, I am so much more than I was. He is still stuck in the same mud, fighting the same demons but with a different proxy (though I take some guilty comfort in the fact that she has it coming;) ) I hate the way he did things and the way he treated our daughter when he didn't have me to fight with, but I cannot hate him or the other woman. I have too much love in me for me to wallow in foolish things like hate.

Facing the pain DOES make us stronger, and more humane. We have more to offer for the trials we have endured. And we owe so much to the real friends who helped us through. But we can never repay them for the love, kindness, wisdom and patience they extended us. We can only take those precious gifts and pass them along to others.

It makes us a part of something much beyond ourselves. It gives some purpose to our loss and pain. It can also be a way of honoring those we have lost.

This I do for love, for those who loved me, for those who will follow. THAT is the value of enduring the pain of loss and the bittersweet joy of remembrance. It keeps us connected with our brethren. It keeps us connected to the sacred.

To run from the pain, to deny the depth of our feelings, our loss, dispair, and our joys is to be less than we were intended. So many will laugh and ask why we would want to experience the pain fully. At a point, it makes us understand that without feeling, we do not live. Without sorrow, there is no joy. Without letting emotion touch us deeply, we do not live.

To life! To the teachers! To the birds that start our days and the tears we may shed before nightfall! To life! And to our fond memories of those who shared parts of our journeys! We are better for all we allow ourselves to truly feel. It is the only currency that has any value at all.

:hug: to you too, Rev. You have helped me explore much and express it that I might be more mindful.

Your mom must have been one great woman. She raised a brave and kind daughter.

[RevCheesehead]

32. You have such an excellent way with words.

And you have given me much to ponder. I thank you, most deeply, for putting into words that which needed to be said. :hug:

[auntAgonist]

33. Just wanted to jump in here

and say hi, to give you BOTH a hug. :hug:
I don't post here often. I'm not so good at 'letting it out' but reading your thoughts often helps.

Happy new year Rev and Havocmom. You never know when you're helping someone else by just being you.

:grouphug:

aA
kesha

[havocmom]

34. Those of us with voice, sing for those who don't.

And, you, my friend never know when you give our hearts courage to keep singing. Was a time there was no way to sing.

:hug: back at ya, auntie A!

[RevCheesehead]

35. Hi, Auntie!

Happy New Year to you, too! :party::toast::party:

:hug: