Blame, responsibility

[pecwae]

Do any of you blame yourself or feel responsible in some way for the death of your loved one?

I'm in one of those self blame moods today. Although I know intellectually that I had no control over the circumstances that led to my son's death it doesn't keep me from feeling that way sometimes.

It's mostly because of 'parents protect their children' and I failed in this, but it also stems from my feelings during Aaron's childhood. From the moment he left my womb I had emotional niggles of losing him somehow. Later a messy divorce and custody battle where he was sent to another state to live with his paternal grandmother and I actually did lose him for a time.

Six months before he died I had a dream of his death. I woke up in a cold sweat, filled with dread. I called him and he laughed it off saying to call him again if I had another one. A couple of weeks before he was killed on Nov. 10, 1998, I asked him if he was coming for a Thanksgiving visit. He replied, "Momma, I never plan that far in advance." That was the last time I ever talked with him.

I couldn't protect my son from sadness and hurt in life, I couldn't protect him from the accident that took his life, I wasn't there for his last breath and I was for his first.

I can't even dream of my baby. Only once since his death has he come in a dream. I feel like it's punishment for my failures as a mother.

[MichiganVote]

1. Mothers aren't made to be perfect. We're the most human of all.

[pecwae]

3. Maybe we strive

to be superhuman too much of the time. It's so easy to fall into that.

Thank you, MV.

[MichiganVote]

5. :) Take it easy on yourself

[CC]

2. I allowed myself to

do the "what ifs" once and then made myself stop. I knew I had to reason it out but I also knew I would drive myself crazy if I didn't stop. On my part I realized the blame could only land at the feet of the man that caused the crash that killed my son. As a parent all you can do is love your child, teach them how to be an independent, responsible adult and let them go while letting them know you are always there for them. It sounds like you did that in spite of everything else that went on. Hold on to the good memories of your son and forgive yourself of anything you may think you did wrong. I bet your son would want that for you.:hug: BTW I have only ever had one dream about by son since he was killed. I used to get jealous of my DH about his but I realized I live with Beau in my heart and thoughts daily and keep him an active part of my life so maybe there is no need for my subconscious mind to see him in dreams.:shrug:

[pecwae]

4. ((CC & Beau))

You're the only other bereaved Mom I've talked with who didn't dream of her child at least weekly. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone and for the possible reason why I don't dream of Aaron. He's with me every minute of every day.

Thank you for your help; I'd never thought of it in that way. :hug:

[RevCheesehead]

6. CC is the BEST!

I can't begin to tell you how much I love that woman!!

And yes, her advice is sound. Trust her. (I know that I do!)

As to the question of blame:
I didn't blame myself, per se, but I did feel incredible guilt for not calling Mom before she died. I had broken out in shingles, and every moment was excruciating pain for weeks. When she called me the last time, I was out at a church meeting, and just too tired to return her message. After the funeral, I replayed the message when I got home, and realized that she was calling to say goodbye. I still have that message on my machine.

I do my best to not play the guilt game. If I had called back, then I'd be mad at myself for not paying attention, or getting impatient with her, or whatever. And nothing I did caused her death.

Remember, blame is part of the bargaining process of grief. You go through phases, and deal with as much (or as little) as you are able at the time. Then it repeats itself, until you've worked out all your feelings and emotions about what happened. Eventually, the pain is changed to memories of happier times, and the peace of knowing your loved one is still with you.

My heart goes out to you, and I'm keeping you in my prayers. :hug:

[CC]

8. Awww thanks Pope Cheesy.

:blush: Today was a tough one and that was warming to see tonight. http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=243x23698

[pecwae]

10. (((Jinx)))

[RevCheesehead]

11. Oh, Ferrettessa!!

My heart goes out to you!!! :hug::hug::hug:

Geez, Ferret Heaven is getting kinda popular, isn't it? :)
I hope Jinxy and Gizmo got along, and are romping with Roo, Binky, Beau, and my mom, and any others that we've loved.

[pecwae]

9. I appreciate the post, Rev

Thank you for telling us about the message from your Mom. Although I don't want anyone else to ever feel this pain I know everyone will at some time. It helps to hear how others deal with it and what their experiences have been. :hug:

[CC]

7. (((pecwae))) back at ya.

As hard as the loss is, that feeling of being the only one can make it harder. I am no expert and only guess at why I don't from myself and how as those around me took their cue from me and allowed themselves to talk about Beau whenever they wanted they also quit having dreams with him in them. Though truthfully sometimes I wish I did dream about him. Then I remind myself that I can close my eyes and remember him doing some Beau thing and see him, sometimes even hear him. It might only be memory but I know the memory is real. Hang in there and be nice to yourself. :hug: