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Why Do We Like 'Bad' Boys?

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NashVegas Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-31-05 10:03 AM
Original message
Why Do We Like 'Bad' Boys?
Or as some put it, "jerks."

I have a theory, and would like to see some other takes on it.

The sexual politics lesson I learned at a very early age: it's okay to be a doormat, it's expected to be a doormat. But if you reach for something of your own volition, go outside of being under anyone's control, you're a whore.

If ever there's a rule to be rebelled against, or subverted, that's a good one. My theory: the 'bad' boys assist us in this rebellion, or at least we *think* they will.

Any takers?
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Longhorn Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-31-05 12:11 PM
Response to Original message
1. I don't know if it was how I was raised, my personality, or what,
but I never put up with "jerks" and never understood women who did. And I didn't have a lot of guys knocking at my door so it wasn't because I could "afford" to blow them off. I just didn't have any interest in them and it drives me crazy when any of my three daughters ends up with one, which my oldest often does. However, she won't admit that they're jerks until afterwards. She's only 26 so maybe when she gets a little more insight, she can share it with me. ;)

I'll be interested to hear what others think about this! Thanks!
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XanaDUer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-31-05 12:59 PM
Response to Original message
2. I like "nerds"
Never liked bad boys.
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Maine-ah Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-30-05 02:20 PM
Response to Reply #2
12. how about a combo...
"bad boy nerd". My husband, looks like a bad boy (he did in highschool too) was rebelious (still a little now) but super smart, a computer geek, and non-violent. Man, I love him :loveya:
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Pool Hall Ace Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-31-05 03:12 PM
Response to Original message
3. I agree you are on to something there, even though
I'm not particularly fond of 'bad boys' and I wasn't taught that being a doormat is okay. :hi:
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JI7 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-31-05 05:03 PM
Response to Original message
4. sometimes the "bad boys" are very nice when it comes to the girl
they put on a tough attitude for other but treat the girl very well. and i think that is the case with most girls who like "bad boys".

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lukasahero Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-01-05 08:47 AM
Response to Reply #4
6. Ding ding ding
This is what I believe as well. No woman decides to date a guy because he hits her. "Bad boys" (and this is the most common trait of abusers as well) put on great shows of affection and attention to the women in their lives until a) they tire of them or b) they've gotten control and don't feel they have to "woo" her anymore. By that time, she's "seen the good in him" and is conflicted between her feelings and her reality.
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politicat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-31-05 05:27 PM
Response to Original message
5. My theory, especially as it pertains to teenage girls:
(I was never a bad-boy fan. I like the geeky, quiet ones that think they're never gonna get laid, and are so grateful when it does happen that they're slaves for life...)

The first man a girl imprints upon is her father or father-substitute. Thus, many of her relationships, if not all, will be mirrors of that primal relationship, or will be the polar opposite of it, depending on the degree of dysfunction and the girl's problem solving style. So, if her problem-solving style is confrontational and based on the donkey principle (you can't make me no matter how hard you pull me), and her father is controlling, she will likely seek the very opposite of control in her relationships. Except that she can't, because she relates to that control as normal and comforting. So what she will do is find a man who is controlling in the way she wishes to be controlled, or thinks she wishes to be controlled, and calls the bad-boy's control free will. She's doing what she wants to, after all.

A girl who is not confrontational with a controlling father will often end up in the same position, but without the self-justification that she's being controlled the way she wants to be. She'll just end up with badboy that behaves in familiar ways.

Confrontational girls with passive fathers thus seek badboys for the reactionary principle, but if you look closely at their choice of badboys, there's usually a difference; passive fathers tend to lead to the more passive form of bad-boys, the druggies and slackers rather than the controllers and abusers. Equally bad, but different.

And passive girls with passive fathers are enacting the imprinting.

Breaking out of that mold is difficult; it requires self-respect and the ability to write people off, something most of us don't want to do. It took me a long time in my own life to learn to look at bad-boys (and bad-girls, since I am bi) and shake my head regretfully and say sadly, "I can't fix it, and I don't want to buy a broken one." For young women, that level of maturity is hard to find.

I believe that a girl's relationship with the older men in her family is primal to her future partnership choices.

Pcat
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BamaGirl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-02-05 09:26 PM
Response to Reply #5
7. I think you're on to something here
Edited on Sat Apr-02-05 09:29 PM by BamaGirl
My dad is one of the good men, definitely not controlling though I wouldn't call him passive. I dated my share of bad boys, but I married a man a lot like my father lol. My mother and I are always joking about it (she did the same). I worry about the women repeating this cycle with men who are not mentally healthy and well adjusted though. My best friend is married to the biggest jerk (just like her dad, big surprise!) and she is constantly making excuses for him. It drives me up the wall.
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NashVegas Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jun-08-05 06:20 PM
Response to Reply #5
14. Well, If It's a Daddy Issue
You can't really blame me, can you?



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fudge stripe cookays Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Sep-20-05 10:54 AM
Response to Reply #14
18. Crisco, your dad was hot!
Looks a little like an ex of mine.

Nice puppy!
FSC
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NashVegas Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-22-05 11:49 AM
Response to Reply #18
19. Aye
It never dawned on me until one of my friends said something. That photo was from the 1950s, btw. I don't know that he was a bad boy, but he was certainly mischievous and had his share of problems.
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Hello_Kitty Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-06-05 12:23 AM
Response to Original message
8. Yep
Edited on Wed Apr-06-05 12:24 AM by ccbombs
'The sexual politics lesson I learned at a very early age: it's okay to be a doormat, it's expected to be a doormat. But if you reach for something of your own volition, go outside of being under anyone's control, you're a whore.'

And you're a bitch too. Men are fascinated by "bitches" and "whores", but want to dominate us too. I find that some nice guys can be reeeeeally controlling, in their sweet, unassuming, passive-aggressive way of course. I'm not referring to all nice guys, just the ones I seem to end up with. They claim to be attracted to my strength and independence and then immediately proceed to attempt to eradicate those qualities once they've got me in a relationship. My sarcastic wit, that they enjoyed so much on the first few dates, now gets disapproving sighs and lectures. The hard rock and rap cd's in my car's player are gradually replaced with something "a little more mellow". This actually happened to me and I could go on. The bad boys I've dated may not have been loving or reliable but at least they didn't try to 'improve' me and they left my shit alone!
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NashVegas Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-06-05 11:57 AM
Response to Reply #8
9. Interesting
I dated one of *those* nice boys you're talking about in college. He didn't like me smoking. First thing he tried was breaking my smokes in half. When that didn't go over so well, he resorted to sneaking them out of the pack, behind my back, and putting glue in the tips. In a short amount of time it got to where I couldn't do anything alone. When I demanded more space, out came the emotional blackmail. End of story.
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bleedingheart Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-29-05 03:58 PM
Response to Original message
10. Because bad boys dare us to do things we wouldn't normally do
I was raised by a single parent in a situation that would be described as "almost convent"...

I liked the men that took me on adventures and sometimes we broke the rules together.

I also found I was attracted to men that were older than me who offered me more life experience.

I can fondly recall one man who took me camping, hiking and was very wild in many ways...but he was not someone who wanted to commit to a long term relationship and once I realized that...I was okay.

Now I have dated jerks...but they can have "nice guy" veneers and even be the ones your mom would like you to marry...
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jmm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Apr-29-05 09:52 PM
Response to Original message
11. Who are the bad boys?
I'll never be a doormat and I'll never want a doormat. At the beginning of sophomore year in college I went to visit my friend Wayne who I hadn't seen all summer. He was an RA and soon after I arrived he had to deal with a crisis so I was left alone with his friend Tom. As he started to sit closer to me I started to move further down the bed until I jumped in a chair. Somebody on the floor was playing Award Tour and he said

Tom: I hate A Tribe Called Quest
Me: *in disbelief* How can you hate them?
Tom: I have have the reggae remix to that song
Me: :wtf: There's no reggae remix to that song and even if there was why would you have it? You hate them.
Tom: *searches through his CDs trying to change the subject*
Me: *gets up and leaves*

Now I can get past a difference in music but if you hate A Tribe Called Quest I've got no use for you. Having said that I would've had more respect for him if he was honest with me and didn't try to hide what he liked or who he really was to please me. Being considered a "nice guy" can have a stigma because nice guys are often equated with the Toms of the world so many men who aren't necessarily bad for you are grouped with the bad boys.
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Lisa0825 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jun-01-05 04:43 PM
Response to Original message
13. I like nice boys with a wild side because I'm a nice girl with a wild side
I want someone who is a good hearted person, and wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone. But I want to be able to be wild and crazy with him sometimes. Sometimes the wild side is seen as the "bad" side, but just because you get a little crazy now and then, doesn't mean you treat the people you care about badly.
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superconnected Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-19-05 03:13 AM
Response to Original message
15. I don't like bad boys.
can't stand um. I believe they belong in the zoo with the rest of the gorillas.
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SarahB Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Sep-06-05 03:54 PM
Response to Reply #15
16. That's how I feel.
:hi:

Creeps need never apply.
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fudge stripe cookays Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Sep-20-05 10:53 AM
Response to Original message
17. I have a theory...
Edited on Tue Sep-20-05 10:53 AM by fudge stripe cookays
I kept saying I wanted a "nice guy", which I did, but I had this physical TYPE that always made me do stupid things....

Tall, thin, long dark hair (sometimes in ponytail), pretty eyes, pretty hands. Especially if they had long legs, and wore nice jackets over jeans and boots. I was putty in their hands.

They were usually in bands, or artists. And with me, it was a challenge. If I could MAKE them like me, then I was really doing great, since this incredibly hot guy wanted to be with ME.

Mu aunt once chided me, saying, "You're not supposed to be winning THEM, they're supposed to be winning YOU. When you just let it happen naturally, instead of trying to force it, it's the greatest thing in the world." I finally learned my lesson.

After being burned more times than I can count, I began concentrating on education, career, and living life as a single successful woman. reprehensor fell into my lap by accident.

Despite the length of his hair, see what type I DID finally end up with:



He's 5'10", an artist, and used to be in a band. Only difference being-- he treats me like a QUEEN. He is so incredibly considerate, and sweet, and adores me.

Bad boys.....ptooey!
FSC
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Lydia Leftcoast Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-08-05 09:42 PM
Response to Original message
20. I don't like bad boys and never have, but I think that they're good at
counterfeiting desirable qualities.

It's sort of like the way naive or masochistic men mistake the emotional instability and moodiness of the psycho-shrew for sexual passion.
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EmmaP Donating Member (198 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-09-05 08:03 AM
Response to Original message
21. Well...
"We" don't...I never have and never will.
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