my fiance dumped me two weeks ago . .

[legally blonde]

I guess I should introduce myself, as I haven't posted on DU for a while. I'm a third year law student who thought I was in THE PERFECT relationship. We started dating in college, and I knew immediately he was THE ONE. After three and a half years of dating seriously, he finally proposed Christmas Eve. I was in heaven. We booked the ceremony and reception hall, I bought a dozen bridal magazines, starting asked my sisters and friends to be bridesmaids, started to look for photographers and invitations, the whole thing.
Well, shortly after New Years, everything sort of unraveled, beginning with his family. They didn't approve of the "timing", whatever that means. Then they weren't going to come to the wedding at all. Then they started pressuring him to delay the wedding. It was a nightmare. After a HUGE fight (in front of his mother, which he started by the way, and she joined in!), I knew things were deteriorating rapidly. I gave back the ring (we agreed to work out our relationship issues) and went home.
The same day that I arrived at my parent's house, he sent me an email, informing me that our relationship just wasn't going to work out. :WTF: (There's obviously much more to this story, but I've given the high points)
After sobbing for three days straight, I had to go back to school (which was another nightmare, considering I had informed EVERYONE that I was getting engaged over Christmas break).
Now that I'm thinking more clearly about our relationship, I realize it wasn't perfect at all. I want to move on with my life, start dating again, etc. I just don't know how long I should give myself to heal before I make that first step of seeing someone new. Any thoughts?

[NashVegas]

1. Wow.

Sounds like he liked being engaged in theory, but reality was too sceery. Sorry :(

I can sympathize a little with your ex a little. If I ever got engaged, I'd be in too much shock for a month to even think about practical things like booking halls, etc. I'd want to relax and enjoy that little buzz before getting down to the work. He's still a JERK though!

Anyway, I say take as long as you need.

[legally blonde]

2. well, you're right about the "engaged in theory but not in reality"

It was scarey for me, too. It moved fast, but then we had been talking about the wedding for over a month before we got engaged (when he told me he bought the ring). So I was building things up for a month--in fact, that was about the only thing I was thinking about. (I'm a bit obsessive sometimes).

I guess I wish that there was some sort of time table--guidelines of what I'm supposed to feel and when. *sigh*

[Dora]

3. Give it time, but follow your instincts.

What I mean: Give yourself enough time so that your gut instinct will overrule a raw impulse. Does that make sense? That can help you avoid dating-so-as-not-to-be-alone and enjoy dating-to-be-with-somebody-interesting. There's no timeline. It's your time to do with as you wish.

Find a way to fill up the time that otherwise would have been you-and-he time... volunteerism, arts and crafts, learning how to weld, social clubs, friends...

Make a new routine for yourself - revise old patterns and/or reinforce others that feel good.

Chocolate is medicinal. Regular massage is therapeutic and can satisfy your need for touch. Exercise creates endorphins. Eat healthy food and drink good drinks. Now especially is the best of times to be treating yourself well.

So sorry about your breakup. It sounds like it was quite a shock.

[legally blonde]

5. I definitely do not want a rebound relationship

Because I know that would be disasterous.

I definitely have a lot going on right now in my life (trying to find a job, graduating, passing the bar), so that gives me something to focus on. I've also been trying to go out more with different people, expanding my social group, etc. I've been getting back into my exercise routine, too (trying to loose the Christmas weight). I'm even getting a facial this Saturday (I've never had one).

It's just hard sometimes--I miss our friendship and I know that we could never be friends again after everything that happened.

[LiberalinNC]

4. Take some time to recover, focus on school and then worry about

dating/finding another love. It sounds as if your ex wasn't fully committed to your relationship, especially if he allowed his family to convince him that you were not the right one. And if that's the case, you're better off w/out him.

Good luck!

[legally blonde]

6. thanks, Lib

I'm not worried about finding anyone right now. I'm having a hard enough time focusing on school and getting through my classes and work. But, I have a good network of friends who've been very supportive (I call them a lot, espeically when I feel like calling him), and my parents have been great. I know it will take time to get forgive, heal, and move one. I just don't want to spend the next year feeling sorry for myself.

[jeanarrett]

7. Then don't! Feel sorry for yourself that is.

In a way, I think how lucky you are! You're getting ready to take the bar and find a job--so you must be somewhat young. You have your whole life ahead of you!!! Just think of all the fascinating people you are going to meet and places you'll go when you get into the whole work world. I wish I could go back and do it again. There were many that made me sob for way more than three days--I'm 44 and just finally getting over a 7-year relationship and we have a child together--I was sure he was the one--but you know what? He was a selfish, self-centered, egotistical control freak, but I couldn't see it then. We all want someone in our corner, but you need to focus on yourself now. Your whole future is before you--you've got lots of time. I'm a firm believer in we are "where we are supposed to be right now." Good or bad. Often when we aren't looking, it shows up and you've got enough on your plate right now.

One of my girlfriends said to me once when I was in the throes of desperation after "the one" had moved on, "this will not matter to you in five years." It seemed kind of cold then and five years seemed so far into the future, but she was exactly right. It didn't. I think you should chalk this up to experience, learn from it and you may just be glad someday that it worked out the way it did when the "real one" does show up!

Good luck, although you probably won't need it--young, smart and a law degree--you can go anywhere you want!


:yourock:


On edit: And uugh! Who would want those people for inlaws--you want nice people to be the grandparents of your future kids!

[legally blonde]

8. Thanks, jeanarrett!

:blush:

I actually am doing much better--it was tough at first, but my friends and family have been really supportive. I've also been really busy in my last semester of school, which helps me focus on other things (like finding a job!).

I think it would have been an easier transition for me if he hadn't constantly emailed, begging for forgiveness (thank God I changed my cell phone number!). But, I haven't heard from him in almost a month, so that's helping me move on. Looking back, he was controlling and selfish, and that's not a person I want to be around. And I definitely don't want his parents for in-laws.

But, you are right--I have a chance to start over, to live my life the way I want on my terms--which is really exciting. I haven't done that in quite a while, so it's time to focus on me for a change!

[Debau2005]

9. Thanks jeanarrett

I have been looking for some women's support today. I just ended a relationship with a man that I thought "might" be the one. He was a liberal Dem, who believed in what I believed in...or so I thought. Now, I think it was his way to get me to warm to him faster.

He now says he has committment "issues!" WTF is that always about? You want to screw as many women as possible, so you use committment issues as your mantra?! I told him if his issues were so bad he should see a therapist. I don't know why I am letting this hurt me this badly!! We only dated a few months. I have caught him in several lies...those are probably the most hurtful...

Sorry, I did not mean to hijack this thread. I am truly sorry Legally Blonde for what your fiance and his family did to you. We can all take comfort in the fact that we are strong independent women who will rise above this and come out better for it on the other end. I am celebrating my strength by taking tomorrow off to do absolutely nothing! I have not done that in months. I may watch stupid soap operas just for a laugh.

Hey Legally Blonde...:yourock:

[legally blonde]

10. Hi jeanarrett

I'm so sorry, jeanarrett . . . I'm sorry I didn't see your thread earlier . . . I hope that you're doing better and taking some time for yourself (that's very important!). Spend some time with your friends, go shopping, go out to eat, take bubble baths, etc.

I know that it's hard now, but it will get better (I promise). If he's been lying to you then he obviously doesn't deserve your trust or affection. I know this won't be of much comfort, but it's better you discover this know rather than later.

Although it's taken a while, I feel much better about my life and my future. I'm sure that I'll find the right man eventually, and I know you will too.

:hug:

[Debau2005]

11. Good attitude

It will happen when it happens.

It is spring and the horseback riding in Georgia is great right now, so I don't have a lot of free time any way. At this point I prefer a quarter horse that does not talk back! haha