Phone call tonight from my daughter's friend

[yorkiemommie1]

Some background:

My daughter is 30, an only child ( although she has step siblings ). Educated in parochial schools where she did excellent work and then went on to a state university here in SoCal.

She got so-so jobs once out of college, being determined to sit at a desk and 'shuffle papers'. Managed to work w/ some very wealthy bosses who were lenient w/ hours, generous with pay and high priced vacations.

Two years ago she suffered herniated discs in an auto accident that was not her fault. Things started going south. Said the epidurals didn't help much, got on to xanax which one dr. prescribed but now she's getting them , in desperation sometimes it seems, from an online pharma.

She's irritable, refuses to return calls, or emails, even her lawyers, chiro and stockbroker can't reach her. WE CAN'T REACH her because she avoids our calls. She will call when some drama happens, usually connected w/ which ever man in her life has mistreated her. They men get worse and worse; the last one hit her but she's back with him now.

She is being evicted from her apt. this week and has no idea where she will live, I suspect in a cheap hotel. She seems to be losing her job at a high-priced 'club' which may be a good thing.

We have stopped advancing money to her and have told her that there will be no more money ( I work parttime for a school district, I'm nearly 60 and my 67 yr old husband is retired ). She doesn't seem to give a damn about us except for announcing good intentions but she never follows up.

This is NOT the person we knew a couple of years ago. She never gave us a bit of trouble all through college. Always communicated, remembered special days etc.

All we get from her, when we do get it, it lip service and then NOTHING. NO COMMUNICATION at all. She DOES accuse ME of lowering her self-esteem by going over boundaries.

Well, maybe so. Maybe we're enablers. It's so hard to see your beloved child sink and sink and sink.

I have an appointment with a therapist and hope I can get my husband to join Al-Anon with me. Is that the group I should join?

Her friends want to stage an intervention but I know she will fly off the handle and go beserk and then disappear from our lives forever.

I've been calling hotlines all night and researching sites here in the SoCal area.

I wish I could find a way to get her to admit she has a problem.

Thanks for reading and I beg for your good thoughts and am open to any and all suggestions.


edited for clarity

[Kajsa]

1. This might help you.

NIR- National Intervention Referrals.

http://www.nationalinterventionreferral.org/?google


They should be able to connect you with someone who could help you.

Intervention is a bitch, I remember that well from my experiences.
Sure, she may fly off the handle, but remember too the seeds of recovery will
be planted in her brain.

She's not going to like it. I have yet to hear of one recovering alcoholic/addict
who did like intervention. It spells the end of drinking and using being "OK".
That really pisses us off!!

But you stand a good chance of saving her life.

I would take a heap of anger from anyone, if that was the end result.

I hope this helps.

If you believe in a Higher Power( some of us call him/her God)
pray for direction and guidance. You bet it works!

Good luck, You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

:hug:

[yorkiemommie1]

2. thank you yes, i will go to that site

she avoids people. that's the problem. ignores all communication.

only communicates when SHE feels like it.


Thank you for your thoughts and prayers; I cannot function right now.

I have called hotlines and found a local NarANON group on the next block from my house.

My therapist's office moved my appt. up so I can see him tomorrow.

Thank you so much,

Chris

[yorkiemommie1]

7. today she was arrested for domestic violence

i sure want her to go directly into recovery.

also we have to have her things moved out of the apt tomorrow.

thank you for the good wishes. we sure need them.

[NMDemDist2]

8. oh man

that's not good

best luck yorkiemommie!

:hug:

[yorkiemommie1]

9. my therapist is great

very simpatico and informed.

please keep me in your thoughts.

thanks,

yorkie

[Kajsa]

10. You bet I will!

The best of luck to you, Yorkiemommie.

:hug:

[yorkiemommie1]

11. thanks

we had a hellacious time cleaning that messy apt.

plus we found she is in arrears on every bill including taxes

we kept warning her to file, pay, get in touch w/ creditors or credit counselling and were ignored.

even little cards i sent her to encourage her were left unopened.

i don't even know what to say to her today, if they release her, where will she go? she will refuse our help even tho all her things are here.

My nar-anon mtg was very wonderful. I'll keep going to them

thanks for your good thoughts,

yorkie

[KitchenWitch]

3. I am not familiar with NarAnon, but I do know that AlAnon works

Be prepared to deal with your own issues and learn how to detach from her behavior in AlAnon.

[yorkiemommie1]

4. the principles are the same

she blames us for her problems, low self esteem, etc.

we have supported her every venture. attended all of her functions, even as she has kept us waiting as we provided transportation, monetary help even vet care for her dog! never a thank you. never an attempt to even buy her dad, who did all the driving, a cup of coffee.
barred the door to us as we tried to deliver papers from a lawyer doing pro bono to keep her from being evicted. she signed the papers and shut the door on us.

she may have an underlying mental illness. my sister is confined as a ward of the state.

[KitchenWitch]

5. That could be true

about the underlying mental illness stuff. How was she mentally before the accident?

[yorkiemommie1]

6. Perfect

never gave us a bit of pain, not from day one.

since my sister is in a mental hospital maybe this is some familial thing manifesting itself at this time.

she just emailed me to say she was fine. i hope so.

[demosincebirth]

12. She will make you sicker if you let her. Find help for yourself with

a support group like Ala-non. There are people there in the same situation you are in. Good luck and God bless and help you.