Making the right choice - and kicking yourself in the ass for it.

[varkam]

As most of you know who read these forums and have read my posts, I am a sex addict. Pornography, affairs, etc...it's all like a drug for me. I never knew I was a sex addict until I hit bottom, and I never knew what the solution was until I found SAA. I'm deeply grateful to my higher power, the program and all the people in it, as well as you all here, for my recovery.

So earlier tonight I found myself talking with a gorgeous woman at the coffee shop I go to frequently. I've noticed her before, but never talked to her before (because I was in a relationship, and I figured that I should just keep looking straight ahead so to speak). So we're talking and having a good time...smoking cigarettes and laughing.

Then she invites me up to her apartment.

I'm single now, and have been for several months, so there's not a problem there. But something's wrong. I know something is wrong because I instantaneously want to say 'yes' without even thinking about it. I think for a moment - I don't really know her very well, and she doesn't know me very well, either. I don't know what her intentions might be, but do think it odd that a pretty woman invites a guy who hasn't shaved in a few days up to her apartment....

So I decline. We shake hands and part ways. I get in my car and drive home, kicking myself in the ass all the way here.

I know I made the right choice. I'm not saying I can never be in a relationship, or that I can never have sex again or anything like that...but that I don't know this person and she doesn't know me. Again, I don't know what her intentions might be but I do know that being in the apartment of someone who I have a very basic sort of attraction to isn't good for my addiction. The way I see it, I have to care for someone on a deeper level than just physical attraction before I even start down a path that might even lead to an intimate relationship.

I know I made the right choice...I'm just kicking myself in the ass for making it. I guess I'm posting here because I need some affirmation. I need someone to chime in and let me know that yes, I did do the right thing.

Thanks for reading :pals:

[NMDemDist2]

1. well done Vark!!

:hug:

you may see her again and let the relationship develop but for today, you showed respect for YOURSELF and listened to your heart and not those nether parts. good job!

:applause:

[Justpat]

2. Just as it is the first drink that causes the problems for us,

it is the first unhealthy encounter that starts the problems for you.

You did the right thing.

[KitchenWitch]

3. You made the right decision!

I am glad you listened to that little voice inside.

:hug:

[ejbr]

4. your self-awareness gave a positive result

I really didn't get a feel as to how you felt for her on a non-physical level. Can you see yourselves as friends? Do you share important, common traits? Do you judge her for asking you to her place under these circumstances?

Sure, the sex addict is going to be kicking himself for the wise choice you made, but how about the romantic? What does he have to say about your response? Has he written her off for good, considering it seems that you have made a new friend (however you wish to define this)? It seems that you may need to integrate these two different parts of yourself in order to continue to make the right choices and to be serene about them.

As an addict myself, I truly do commend your restraint and wise decision-making. However, I would hope that you can minimize any regret for doing the right thing...for you.

[NMDemDist2]

5. ej

you're ok!

welcome to our little band of goofs

:hug:

[ejbr]

6. Just being me,

kind AZ!! Thanks! I guess I'll fit right in! :+

[Kajsa]

8. Welcome, ej!

You've brought up some great points.

Welcome to our group.

:hug:

[varkam]

7. Thanks all for your kind words and support.

I feel better about things today and know that I made the right decision. I've made some stupid decisions in the past due to my addiction, and it certainly feels different to make the right decision for a change. At least I don't have to deal with the guilt of acting out or sleeping with someone I don't care about.

Thanks again :pals:

[Kajsa]

9. Sorry I missed this earlier, Varkam.

You absolutely did the right thing AND
you can feel good knowing that you
CAN say 'No' when the situation calls for it.

That, my friend, is easier said than done.

Ya did good!

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

10. you made a choice that affirmed your recovery and your life

that is a good thing Vark

Sounds like a very difficult thing to walk away from too, so pat yourself on the back (not too much though, don't want to give you the big(ger) head or anything)

I agree, sex is only one part of a relationship, and if it had gone that way, it wouldn't have been a real relationship which is more likely what you crave inside than you do just sex anyway.

Hang in there man!

:hug: