It would have been 5 years in September if I hadn't gone out last night.

[arcadian]

I backslid and went out and got drunk last night. Now I fucking hate myself, just like I predicted I would when I was weighing the pros and cons of "having a few drinks" with some old high school friends. Now, I'm afraid I'm going to continue. I really don't want to, and I really don't have a venue to drink as I'm now at home. It's clear that I can never see my "old buddies" ever again. Gone almost ten years, I come back and they are still hanging at the same bars we were hanging out at 20 years ago. I don't know how they maintain that lifestyle. In fact two of my friends aren't maintaining it very well as they both got popped for possession of cocaine. I never got into that and I'm surprised that these friends are able to do that, they all have kids and they are partying like they were when they were 23 years old, doing it every fucking weekend and more. I'm really ashamed of myself.

:-(

[varkam]

1. Today is a new day friend.

:pals:

[arcadian]

6. Thank you for those kind words.

n/t

[w8liftinglady]

2. Hey...look how many times I came back

We are all here for eah other...PM me if you need a friend.

[arcadian]

5. Thanks

I appreciate it.

[NMDemDist2]

3. you didn't know the secret of being 5 years sober

somewhere between 4 and 7 years (depending if you were doing lots of drugs or not) your body releases the last of the booze out of your spinal fluid and brain fluid

it actually acts on your allergy like you'd already HAD a drink. the allergy is triggered and you drink.

did it seem like suddenly your life had gone to shit (even though nothing was changed) that you should "be better after all this time sober" and the restless irritable and discontent had popped up with a vengence?

that's the symptoms of that final 'clean out' of your body.

if you know it's coming you can white knuckle through it, do what you did the first time through (I did 90/90 again) and just hold on for the 100 days or so it takes to pass.


Don't beat up on yourself, just dive back in armed with the knowledge that it will hit again and warn your friends.

:hug:

[arcadian]

4. I thought I was going to have two beers and be slammed drunk,

Nope, I had probably seven and about three shots. I also bought a pack of smokes. I was pretty wasted but I handled it as if I'd never quit drinking for those almost five years. My tolerance level went nowhere during that time period, kind of like my body saying, "yeah, you'll be back". That scares me.

[NMDemDist2]

7. the old timers say

the disease progresses whether we are drinking or not.

you don;t start where you left off, you get worse immediately

[Journeyman]

8. Recent research has found that chronic exposure to alcohol sensitizes the brain. . .

leaving the drunkard more susceptible to the effects than his teetotaling counterpart. This change does not subside when the drunk quits drinking. So when they consume alcohol again, even after a period of extended abstinence, they get a bigger kick from it than a non-drinker would.

This effect -- known as "corticotrophin-releasing factor" or CRF -- accounts for the widely held belief that the disease progresses even when the drinker abstains. It also gives hope that, as the AA Big Book surmises, science may one day solve the problem of alcoholism. Research on CRF now focuses on determining means to stop the receptors for it in the brain, so the euphoria of drink can be blocked at the source. In this manner, those who "put the plug in the jug" can be helped to keep it there, since the effects of booze will be lessened, and possibly eradicated. An exciting development, if it proves itself in further studies.

Additional information (though not much) can be found at this link: www.redorbit.com/modules/news/tools.php?tool=print&id=1506912

[NMDemDist2]

9. interesting! thanks for posting n/t

[Journeyman]

10. I thought you'd find that interesting. . .

can't say I'd find a scientific solution to my liking (there's been too much personal growth attached to my recovery), but I welcome any means that can be found to ease someone from the madness of alcoholism into sobriety and a life worth living.

[NMDemDist2]

11. I'm always interested in the allergy/disease area of alcoholism

so many think it's a 'moral failure' and it's so freeing and healing to realize your body is different and it's just another physical manifestation of human-ness

whatever road people take to break alcoholism grip is a good thing in my book. but as you said, I wouldn't have traded the road of recovery I found for a pill. But that's easier to say now I've traveled a fair ways.

If you'd have given me that choice 15 years ago I'm sure my answer would have been quite different :evilgrin:

:hi:

[Fire Walk With Me]

12. "I fucking hate myself...I'm afraid...I'm really ashamed of myself..."

That is the disease itself, seeking a way to avoid recovery. Cunning, baffling, powerful.

God grant you the grace and clarity to walk back in and ask for the assistance that will save your life, and allow you to save others. :hug:

[Karl_Bonner_1982]

13. My old treatment counselor described his booze relapse

He said that two good swigs of whiskey (about two shots' worth) after 6 years of sobriety caused him to get drunk within about 30 seconds of swallowing. Apparently our bodies all react differently to boozing.

I too, am a bit frustrated with the moralistic tone of many AAers, especially the more "hardcore" ones. Their attitude is not that different from Christian fundamentalists IMHO. That being said, I do maintain that the program as a whole works. I just wish that people wouldn't set the bar so damn high when it comes to character traits, selflessness, surrender to God's will, being "free of anger," and righteous indignation. I think we have a right to be upset at the injustices in the world, even if we have personal issues to take care of. Anybody who's NOT angry at social injustice is mentally sick!

[NMDemDist2]

21. i think it's a matter of degrees

I get purple over some of the stuff I read on DU and hear in the news.

but I don't let it give me permission to be an ass, I try to love the person within in spite of their monumental failures.

not because I'm 'Holier than Thou' but because I choose to be happy today. I don't let anyone live rent free in my head. I take action to change things when I can and realize I can't stop the soldiers 5000 miles away. I can only love them when they come home. (and I'm not talking about the soldiers being monumental failures, BTW, I'm talking about the stupid arrogant asses that got them into the mess in the first place)

I choose today to live in serenity to the best of my ability. Why? because I'm much less likely to drink or use if I don't get myself wound up over things I have very little (or no) power over.

It's taken me years and years to understand being 'powerless' and to have peace with the concept. I now treasure it above everything but my sobriety. It's the key to my serenity.

I guess the bottom line is that I HAVE to practice the selflessness, caring and love or my disease will strike me again.

and I don't want to go there.

[FloridaJudy]

22. Yeah, I get a mite ticked

When the Big Book Thumpers dogmatically proclaim that if something upsets me, it's because there's something wrong with me. Excuse me? I'm not raping and mutilating children in Darfur. I'm not using the Bill of Rights as toilet paper. I'm not clubbing baby seals and bulldozing rainforests. I'm obviously not making a mint shipping jobs overseas.

These things still upset me, though I'm not likely to drink over them, as I might be by personal setbacks. But then I remember that part of the Serenity Prayer asks for courage to change the things I can, and for me that means political activism.

[Stuart G]

14. Our program is against hating ourselves, especially for this.

This program was born out of desperation and relapse. Bill and Bob relapsed a few times. Don't believe me, read their stories in the Big Book. It is ok. Hating ourselves is actually worse in some ways than any drunk. For the drunk is over, and the hating ourselves continues...and could get us to do worse.
We cannot afford to hate ourselves for this reason. As stated above, that is the disease. So, something happened. As they say...let it go

[Tab]

15. Well, it still was 5 years

Unlike you, I broke my time by accident, but regardless - within minutes (seconds?) of having something I didn't realize was "loaded", my body got this immediate physical reaction.

Within days, I was back where I was.

Within a month I had a DUI (this was 15 years ago, but still...)

The second time around is almost harder, I think, because you're not as scared and you realize you can cross over - you can choose to indulge, or you can be straight - you now know you're capable of both (I'm using the generic "you", not you personally - actually I'm talking about me). Of course, the disease beckons more loudly than sobriety, so it's not surprising we - second (third? fourth?) time around - opt for the disease. It's seemingly easier, and it's certainly more familiar.

This shit doesn't get easier as you get older. It gets harder.

[arcadian]

16. One week

Last night was the test. Some friends were in town again and I didn't go out to see them, if I had, it would have been bad. I really don't have the desire to party so much.

[varkam]

17. Sometimes, being in recovery means sacrifice.

There's people that I can't even talk to anymore, let alone see, because it sets me up for a slip. That sucks, because these are people that I would like to talk to on occasion, but I just can't do it. My addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful, and once I get going in that direction it is incredibly difficult to stop, so my policy is that if I don't want to slip then I need to stay out of slippery situations.

I'm glad that you made the right choice, and that you have made it a week. My PM box is open if need be.

:pals:

[w8liftinglady]

18. it may mean the end of my relationship.

He drinks,and doesn't think I have a problem.I'm here,too.Big Love

[varkam]

19. I feel for you.

That certainly doesn't sound like an ideal situation...I don't know what else say except that I'm sorry and that sometimes the right thing to do and the hard thing to do are often one and the same.

[w8liftinglady]

20. hey..it's cool. it helps to know others are struggling

and that you aren't the only f&ck-up..