Ok so I quit drinking about 6 months ago but now I have picked up some habits I can't quit.

[Sanctified]

I used to drink a lot, I probably spent the better part of 10 years more drunk than sober but I quit about six months ago and now I have picked up some habits that are driving my wife crazy. To begin with I went from drinking 2 cups of coffee a day to drinking about 2 pots and I started smoking cigars. I only smoke 1 cigar a day but my wife is really getting on me about it and I don't think I can quit because I usually smoke one at night when the urge to drink is at it's peak. I tried to talk to my wife about this but she refuses to listen, she grew up listening to her father and the dangers of tobacco and she just rides my ass any time I go outside to have a cigar. It kind of pisses me off since she bitches harder about the cigars than she ever did about the alcohol. Any suggestions on what I can do would be appreciated.

[NMDemDist2]

1. from the Chapter "The Family Afterwards" in Alcoholics Anonymous

Here is a case in point: One of our friends is a heavy smoker and coffee drinker. There was no doubt he over-indulged. Seeing this, and meaning to be helpful, his wife commenced to admonish him about it. He admitted he was overdoing these things, but frankly said that he was not ready to stop. His wife is one of those persons who really feels there is something rather sinful about these commodities, so she nagged, and her intolerance finally threw him into a fit of anger. He got drunk.

Of course our friend was wrong - dead wrong. He had to painfully admit that and mend his spiritual fences. Though he is now a most effective member of Alcoholics Anonymous, he still smokes and drinks coffee, but neither his wife nor anyone else stands in judgment. She sees she was wrong to make a burning issue out of such a matter when his more serious ailments were being rapidly cured.

We have three little mottoes which are apropos. Here they are:

First Things First

Live and Let Live

Easy Does It.

[Sanctified]

2. Thank you for the reply, I am not sure how to go over this with my wife though.

She has never really had an issue with addiction so she can't comprehend what it feels like to have a physical and mental urge to do something even though you know you should not. I really don't ever want to drink again however I am not sure how to find peace when the urge is at it's peak. She was fine with the cigars when I first quit drinking but since I have been dry for 6 months she thinks I should be over the alcohol and need to drop the cigars and I know once the cigars are gone she is going to demand I quit the coffee. I just feel like I am going to break and end up drinking again.

[Journeyman]

3. Can't add anything to that. . .

Good luck, MiltonF . . . I hope your wife realizes soon her great fortune in having you sober. You'll probably grow out of your present, small vices, as you become more comfortable with sobriety. I hope your wife grants you the time you need.

[Iwillnevergiveup]

4. Milton - I know someone who gets drunk every night

and smokes cigars! So, you're waaaaay ahead of him. Am wondering since you go outside to smoke a cigar, what your wife actually objects to aside from the smoking part. It's true that you're probably substituting one addiction for another, but smoking a cigar every evening sure seems preferable to getting plastered. Do you inhale the smoke?

I'm thinking maybe you could find someone professionally who could explain where you're at physically in your withdrawal from alcohol. How long does it take to detox? And maybe that someone could talk to you both at the same time so your wife has a better appreciation of what you're going through. An objective party might clarify lots for both of you.

Good luck, Milton....you've already come a very long way.

[Sanctified]

5. I don't inhale.

But she does not see the difference between cigars and cigarettes to her they are all the same. She says it's because she does not want my kids to see me smoking cigars but I make sure to only smoke after they are asleep. Yeah the third party might be the way to go, I think I should probably talk to my Dr. and see what he says, I am sure he will say quit smoking but I prefer the cigars over drinking that is for sure.

[conscious evolution]

6. At six months

you are still in the danger zone for relapse.
If smoking a cigar helps you get through it then by all means continue to do so.

Remember.It is your sobriety.Not hers.You have to be ready to go to any length nessi cary to maintain that state.Unfortunately,non alkies don't understand this fact and can unintentionally undermine our attempts to sober up.
Try not to let this happen.Sometimes we have to say the hell with what others think and continue doing what works for us.

[TrogL]

7. Get her ass into Al-Anon

[Kajsa]

9. Amen, TrogL!

That is a BIG step in the right direction.

:)

[Tab]

8. It is SOOO common to substitute one addiction for another

Many former addicts are now coffeholics (sp?) and intense smokers. They probably smoked anyway before getting clean, but they smoke like chimneys now. Go too any AA meeting, and half the members can't wait for the chance to go out and light up.

If you have an addictive personality, all I can suggest is that you try to channel it into a "healthy" addiction, like exercise - become a health nut, go running all the time, whatever. There are good addictions and bad addictions. You won't get arrested (or fired) for driving and smoking (cigarettes, at least) but that doesn't mean they're safe - they'll kill you in the long run too. You just have to work on channeling it properly. If you were a former smoker and/or coffee drinker, then that's another thing you have to break out of.

It's very common, nothing too be ashamed about, but it ain't that healthy either. Shoot for exercise, painting, obsessive puzzle solving - whatever. Exercise is usually the best, because it cancels out the negative chemicals you get in your system. I love crossword puzzles, but I can't say that they do a lot for my sobriety. Exercise will, though, and what wife doesn't want an in-shape and sober and healthy husband? And I bet she'll be feeling friskier, if she isn't already.

Good luck to you...

- t

[Kajsa]

10. One thing at a time, Milton.

AZDem gave you the best response from the Big Book.

We are addicts,( yes, alkies are addicts) plain and simple.

Moderation is still an enigma for most of us.

Smoking ain't great- ( I still smoke) but it sure as hell
beats drinking for me.

I know that my drinking days were very numbered
and I'm not willing to test them again.

First thing first.

:)