Just wondering about my brother....

[LiberalLoner]

He's had DUI's due to drinking, lots of lost relationships because of drinking (including being out of touch for over a year with his daughter), lost jobs (last job he was a janitor at a bar and got fired for stealing the booze) and now he's in a transitional shelter (homeless shelter) being treated for alcoholism.

He starts his job tomorrow (it's a VA program, a program that helps homeless vets ease back into society) and I was really happy for him and hopeful that he might be okay now, except he just mentioned that he was going to a karaoke bar. I said I always heard that it can be risky to go to bars early in recovery, and he got really defensive and said he only drank coffee there, etc.

Well the last time I heard him say that, was a couple years ago when he called me up and he was so drunk his voice was slurred and he said "I'm here at a bar but I'm only drinking coffee."

Well...what I'm wondering is...it's not a good sign, is it, that he still goes out to bars?

Maybe I'm being overly suspicious. And I know I don't have any control over him or the disease.

It's just that I got my hopes up (probably stupid, I know) and now I don't have a very good feeling about the chances for his recovery. Am I wrong for having that sinking feeling or am I probably justified?

[elleng]

1. Sorry to say this, but you are correct to be concerned.

Staying away from old watering holes, and old 'friends,' is an important feature of recovery.

He is lucky to have you.

[Mira]

2. Let me suggest Al Anon - for your own peace of mind. You have

control over none of the rest.
I'm very serious.
You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.

More than that - you can only love him while he proceeds on his path whatever he chooses it to be.

And by second guessing/hoping/asking us you are stepping too far into what is his business, not really yours.

It's so sad to not have a way to reach in and fix it!

[LiberalLoner]

3. Yeah, you are right. I've been to al-anon quite a bit actually as my father is

also an alcoholic. Have read lots of literature.

It's just that knowing I shouldn't care one way or another, and getting myself to not care about my brother, are two different things.

My heart and mind aren't on the same page. I still care what happens to him.

But I know beyond any doubt that I can not control him or his disease. There is nothing I can do. It's up to him and his higher power.

Just feeling bad because I got my hopes up for him. And it's a hard thing not to hope...it's a struggle.

[LiberalLoner]

4. I think actually I might have to detach completely - just turn my back on him.

I think that's the only way I can get to the place where I don't care about him any more. So that's what I will do. That is the only way to make sure his alcoholism does not affect me.

[LiberalLoner]

5. I've watched Intervention lots on TV and they suggest that - cutting

ties completely with the alcoholic if he or she chooses the drug over life. That way you don't enable them at all. They sink or swim on their own.

It's probably time for me to do that.

[elleng]

6. Probably best for both of you, may help him really to reach bottom,

and gets you 'out,' tho that doesn't feel comfortable for you.

[LiberalLoner]

7. Thank you. I think that's what I will have to do. :( n/t