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"freddy, dead at nine months"
Sometimes Ma, in her extremity, weeping privately over the washtub, senses my presence, feels that I'm near, calls herself a fool. But she's not mistaken.
I *am* there behind the stove. I am the heat on her brow, my privilege to tarry, suffered to loiter as I couldn't in life, moonbeam, magpie, gust in the slough.
I am not alone as she fears, nor unhappy. No chip on my ineffable shoulder. Rather a rich air of communion, buoyance—what you feel when your heart swells. And there *they* are—Ma, my sisters, isolated, stragglers, each with her own reduction: *should have been me, could have been me.* Staggered, drifting, aimless as cattle in a blizzard, heads lowered, numb, the horizon hopelessly obscured.
—Sharon McCartney
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