changing your name

[mzteris]

when you get married. Yay or Nay. Why or why not?

[BlueIris]

1. I wouldn't, because to me, it reminds me of the "traditional" view that women were property.

Not a valid tradition, really, and not one worth upholding.

Still, I can understand why some women would choose to do so--namely, the partners' last names sounding "better" to them than their own. It's not something I waste time thinking about, though.

[IDFbunny]

2. Where is the men should change their name box?

I voted other.

[ismnotwasm]

3. Well I did

I picked 'other'. I wasn't enamored of my 'maiden' name (maiden, what a word, a whole thread to itself)
and changing my name enabled me to go from 'W' to 'A'. It helps in so many little ways.

Opinion wise, I'd love to say no, but practically, hyphenated names are great until they become cumbersome, (I've seems some doozies) keeping ones maiden name is OK for well organized people or married people who keep everything separate. It's probably a better solution though. Taking your Mother's maiden name is another option. I think we'll just have to choose for ourselves what's best for our own situations.

What I don't like, is taking a name as a rite of passage and implied ownership from father to husband. I figure go ahead and do it, but call it what it is. All of marriage rites and ritual can go by the wayside as far as I'm concerned. I'd love to see marriage 'contracts' of varying lengths rather than this 'til death do you part' shit.

[bliss_eternal]

4. I changed mine.

Had no desire to keep the name of my sperm donor. Plan to change my "maiden name" (and my given first name)legally, once and for all.

I honestly think women should have a choice other than their father's name, or their husband's to choose from. I'm all for women changing their name to something of their choosing if they choose not to marry. :)

[wildflower]

5. I think you hit the nail on the head for me

Having to choose only between the father's or husband's name.

Wouldn't it be interesting if there were a rite of passage for all women where they choose their new, independent name when they reach adulthood. Other cultures and religions do this in various ways (communion is the one that comes to my mind right now).

[seabeyond]

6. that isnt really gender based since boys to "aquire" a name at birth.

i am not seeing any difference when born into a family aquiring name.

[ismnotwasm]

7. It's the historical baggage

When you'd marry you became the property of you husband instead of your father. Males, on the other hand 'carried on' the family name. Heirs and what not. If a women keeps her fathers name, I suppose in this day and age it could be looked at like like that. When she takes her husbands name it's still symbolic property transfer, much like the white dress symbolized virginity (the male has no such obligation) and veils keep demons away. As pretty as weddings can be, the rituals in them are pretty fucking weird.

There have been husbands who take their wives last names, all kinds of ways to address this issue because of the objections to the historical meaning behind it. Since our society is set up to support married couples with one name it's hard to find a solution without headaches. Just giving in to it as acceptable is the most common response. While I sympathize with anything that makes life easier, I don't think just accepting the transfer of name from male to female is ultimately healthy.


Of course after divorce, I known women who 'take back' their maiden name, which is also in a symbolic gesture, just like Bliss's intent of erasing her paternal name out of her life entirely. I consider these kind of gestures, symbolic or not, very healthy reactions to emotional (and sometimes legal) stress, past or present. We just don't need that shit you know?

[lukasahero]

8. I am the only American heir to my father's family name

Since I will not have children, the keeping of such was obviously symbolic but it was important to me.

(There are relatives 'across the pond' but no others in the states.)

[bliss_eternal]

10. i know of some women...

...who took their mother (or grandmother's) maiden name, after a break-up/divorce. while i understand the sentiment behind it, it's still a patriarch's name.

women w/family of origin abuse issues, extending to both family sides(i.e. paternal & maternal), may not be interested in either name.
:(

[mzteris]

17. to me it implys OWNERSHIP

That this person ceases to exist and becomes some kind of appendage, a piece of chattel, so marked by her "husband". I'm surprised they don't brand them, though I suppose a big honking ring is supposed to do that, right?

That girls want all their giggly highschool friends to know they "caught a guy" (even if it is 30 years after graduation).

WTF is the guy "more important"? Funny how in families where the females is "more powerful" (rich) and they don't have a "male heir", a guy marrying into the clan will change his name then...

And let's be totally 1000% honest, lineages can only be 100% assure through the mother's side (well, we do blood tests NOW, but generallyspeaking)

To LOSE your OWN IDENTITY - to BECOME SOMEONE ELSE really - ok - thenboth should change their names. I wanted to do that - create a "new name", but no dice. So I kept mine and agreed to hyphenate the children's last name. And yeah, I get the argument about it being the fathers or grandfathers name, now - but at some point one must call a HALT. I could change to my mother's maiden name, or her mothers, but that would be HEr father's name, so I may as well keep MY name so as to retain MY identity at this point and change the future going forward.


I've had a huge falling out with my own daughter. I didn't really say much of anything when she changed her name a few months back. I didn't criticize her but I did ask if she'd really thought about it. She was pretty - giddly - adamant. (I swear she was switched at birth sometimes...)

But when my sons - her half brothers - started dropping their dad's half of the name, she jumped all over me. "Imagine how HE feels, MOM!" she said.

"IMAGINE HOW HE FEELS? I KNOW how 'he feels'. If you remember correctly you dropped MY half of your last name because you thought "daddy's name was easier" even though he had almost NOTHING to do with actually RAISING YOU! and paid the minimal amount of child support allowed by law. And the BOY's DAD has had little to do with raising them really - and you know why "Son A" has so much animosity on his part!! And "son B" is just copying his older brother.

I have ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM with their not "taking their father's name. Lord knows the "male role models in THAT family" have absolutely NOTHING worth identifying with. At least granddaddy (my dad) wasn't a drunk and an asshole and epitizomed hardwork and acceptance. And to top it all off you meet some GUY you've known a couple of years and CHANGE YOUR NAME to HIS? After you've spent 10 years trying to establish a work reputation? You and both know why you just HAD to "change your name". "

Yeah, I probably shouldn't have added that last sentence, but still. She rushed up the ceremony - giving up her "dream wedding" so she could get married before the damn highschool reunion??? Really? That had NOTHING to do with it. Yeah. right. Sure. Of course, I don't even know if she can admit that to HERSELF. But I know it. and to tel you the honest truth, a part of me seriously doubts this relationship will last long-term . . . (I shouldn't say that either, and haven't to her, but it makes iteven worse imo that she's "changed her name". Is she goingto change it back? Then change it again if she gets married again?

Your name is part of WHO YOU ARE. to just "become someone else"? I'm sorry. Not buying it.

I think it is an atrocious "custom" that denigrates all women. I seriously believe that "changing your name" (unless it's BUTTS or something) to the man's is harmful to women.

If they both want to choose a name to reflect THEIR new family, then I'm okay with that.


And yeah, I'm GLAD that my son's have stopped hyphenating their name and just use "mine". That may change as they get older. Maybe they'll change it back to hyphenating it, or switch to their dad's. But more than a small part of me does hope they "keep mine". And why shouldn't they? I'M the one who raised them.

[iverglas]

22. I'm late reading it

But I still just have to say: Brava.

Before my star expires again. ;)

[bliss_eternal]

9. that would be wonderful...!

...it's a great idea, and i think having the option would be so cool. some women may choose to go the traditional route (w/father or husband), but having we should at least have the choice imo.

given we don't...i'm bucking the system and creating it for myself. ;)

[raccoon]

11. I've thought about that myself, my bio father was NOT a good "dad."

Sometimes I think of changing my name to something in the natural world, the way Native Americans used to.

But at my age I doubt I'll bother with it.

[get the red out]

12. I didn't change mine

Because I was just too damn old and lazy to do so when I got married. I didn't want to change those checks and the bank account and my information at work.......

[iverglas]

13. women have so many weird and wonderful "reasons"

for taking their husbands' surnames.

Funny how none of them ever seem to occur to similarly situated men.

[Gormy Cuss]

21. Oof!

That sums up my sentiments too.

[iris27]

14. My husband and I took a new last name together, & took a WORLD of shit from his family for doing so.

Even though his birth surname was SMITH, for crying out loud...the most common last name in America.


There's actually a great post on this that was just put up on Friday over at Bitch PhD:

http://bitchphd.blogspot.com/2010/05/against-name-change-polemic.html

[ismnotwasm]

15. Cool

That "it's traditional" agreement is the one that's the most frightening. Most marriage 'traditions' are bizarre, but I think the name changing one has it's public face and deeper repercussions.

[mzteris]

16. yeah "traditional marriage"

isn't something anyone should be fighting for, imo (let me add, however, that I do fully 1000% support GLBT wanting the same equal rights in re: marriage...)

this is about "marriage" itself.

Maybe I read to much SF, but I think a "contract" is the way to go. There should evolve some pretty "standard" agreements with different types of amendments, etc... to run for sets of time - initially short - with renew clauses and no-fault non-renew clauses. The details of property splits determined pretty much ahead of time. And because it is a CONTRACT, violating the accepted terms of the contract (say fidelity is one of them) -if you violate the terms of the contract then penalities kick in.

Pregnancy, childcare, etc - should be covered in a separate contract.

Doesn't sound very "romantic", but neither does DIVORCE. The odds of a "marriage" lasting 'til death do us part' now are what?


YOu want a "religious authority figure" to "bless" your contract? have at it. The "religious ceremony" should have no legal standing/bearing either way.

[ismnotwasm]

18. NEVER too much SF

I think people tend to form different kinds of partnerships; and some work lifelong, some don't. Why NOT a contract? And renewing every 5 years or so could be profoundly romantic. The children, if any should be a shared commitment, a shared decision (of course, the ultimate decision is the woman's--I hate that I alway feel the need to say that, it should be as natural as breathing)

But I think, in a 'marriage' that loses all the ritualized sexist baggage, children would be wanted, desired by both parties. Or perhaps the decision would be postponed, and in a contract, a reason to not reaffirm the contract based on differing desires. We would still have romantics, still have pragmatists, still have those who thought they didn't want monogamy and then did, or those who thought they did and were wrong. We would still have the broken hearts and the happy couples.

We would also be encouraged to have the ability and knowledge to really think out what is going on in a commitment with responsibilities as intense as those you find in marriage. And women would benefit enormously I think, since we still bear the lion's share of responsibility and subsequent guilt in emotional commitments.

Weddings, as they are now, remind me of funerals. Long, boring and uselessly expensive. I avoid them as much as possible.

BTW, are you familiar with this site? It's kind of fun to browse through
http://feministsf.org/

[femrap]

19. It's very difficult to find

high school and college female friends who have changed their name. They become lost.

[Chalco]

20. I changed mine after....

I married and after I got pregnant and before the birth of my first child at 44 because I worked in a school system and each time a mother and father were present in a meeting and they had different last names the woman was always asked if she was the birth mother or step mother because the child had the father's name. I wanted us to all have the same name so no one would mistake who we were to each other.

Before changing my name I asked my husband if he would change his name and he said he liked his name. I, of course, liked my last name as well, but I was not wedded to it and was tired of spelling it for people (his was easy to spell and mine wasn't) so I changed mine and kept my maiden name as my middle name and our child's has my maiden name for her middle name and my husband's for her last name.

I do like that we all have the same last name.

In a better world maybe we should invent a new last name when we marry.