Rape culture -- why? What can we do?

[chicaloca]

So I got to thinking about two weeks back about how our culture glorifies rape while I was reading an LA Times article. It was about the British memo that showed that the US and Britain were planning on invading Iraq no matter what the rest of the world thought, even before they had completed gathering evidence on the issue (and I use the term "evidence" loosely here). In one part of the memo, it talked about what aspects of an invasion most concerned US and British officials. That part went as follows:

But there were some signs, since we last spoke, of greater awareness of the practical difficulties and political risks.... From what she said, Bush has yet to find answers to the big questions:

* How to persuade international opinion that military action against Iraq is necessary and justified;

* What value to put on the exiled Iraqi opposition;

* How to coordinate a US/allied military campaign with internal opposition (assuming there is any);

* What happens the morning after?"

OK, does anybody else see something wrong with using the term "the morning after" in this context? As far as I understand it, the term means the morning after sex. What that means is that invasion, bombing, and war are used here as a metaphor for sex. Sex is violent, and violence is sex. We've also seen a song with the words "Beat the pussy up" in the chorus become a huge hit on pop radio recently. Another popular rap song has the words "Be a good girl now, turn around, and get these whippings/You know you like it like that/You don't have to fight back/Here's a pillow, bite that." Also recently, a movie that seamlessly couples violence with sex and sex crimes with half-naked prostitutes and a half-naked female police officer (Sin City) became a huge box-office success. As if that weren't enough, about two or three months ago my roommate had a party, and one of my guy friends who actually cares about a lot of feminist issues turned to me and said, "So do you put up a fight, Chicaloca, or do you just give in?" From these instances and more, I don't see how it's possible to conclude that we DON'T live in a rape culture. Furthermore, what is it that makes people so stupid and vicious and hateful, particularly toward women? Is there anything we can do to stop it? I boycott things I find sexist or misogynist and speak out against rape-friendly ideas whenever I encounter them, but maybe folks here have some other strategies. (If you just want to vent about it here, that's fine, too. I haven't written a good rant for a while, so maybe that will encourage me.)

edited to add: I also just remembered that omega minimo has a thread going in the Women's Issues forum where she's documenting sexist and misogynist posts that she comes across on DU. In one, a poster wrote something like "You used the word rape twice in your post. I like rape." HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU WRITE THAT AND STILL BE A HUMAN BEING?!?!? :cry:

[Heddi]

1. I was looking at a magazine today

It was "Stuff" magazine---male magazine, filled (and I do mean filled) with half naked women, or completely naked women covering up their bits. They seem to write in the tried-and-true form of "I'm gonna be an asshole cuz I can". The content is boring and trite, and they don't use many polysyllabic words (can't confuse your readers with big .50 cent words, now can ya???)

At any rate---the thing that struck me was how many of the images--whether the content of the magainze itself, or in advertisements, portrayed women in one form of bondage or another.

One photo shoot had a picture of a woman, in a bikini that barely fit, legs spread and wearing 6' heels, with tape over her mouth. THe byline was "just how you like her".

Another advertisement showed a woman spread eagle over the hood of a car with her wrists and ankles bound (again, in a very sheer and small bathing-suit type outfit). I think they were advertising...actually, I don't know WHAT they were advertising. But if I were to judge based on the image alone, I would think they were advertising either a sex toy, or a rape kit.

It was really astounding how many of the photos of the women had the women in not just sexually submissive poses (on their bellies with butts in the air, spread-legged on a bed, etc), but how many of the women were in actual bondage, actually tied up, actually gagged.

And none of these women, whether in advertising or in content, looked in any way happy or sexually excited. They had these looks of just...complacency on their face. Not a single smile. Nothing to give the reader the impression that "yes, she's liking it too."

I felt that this magazine was roughly the equivalent of fluff that is targeted to young girls. The published demographics for this magazine are men, 18-35, but because it's not porn or nudity, I would wager to bet that they have an even LARGER audience of under 18-year-old males who look to this magazine as 'almost playboy'. They get their T & A shots, the obligate "Champagne Shooting In THe Face of THe Model" Picture (you know..heh..it looks like she's getting a face full of semen! heh! But we only used champagne! heh!)

It was disturbing. Not because of the sexuality (because I don't have a problem with that aspect of it), but because of the TYPE of sexuality that was being displayed. Not consentual, but forced. Not open, but bound. Not for the pleasure of both, but for the pleasure of one at the expense of another.

And submissive women seemed to make up the backdrop for every product or item they were promoting. Want to know what an Ipod looks like? Well here's one sitting on the crotch of a naked woman. Wanna see what this new Playstation looks like? Here it is, propped between the bulging tits of a woman. Hey, like this new car? Well you'll like it even more when we drape it with 6 half-naked women making fake love to a 2,000 pound batch of steel.

Not only is it that the women are all portrayed as being submissive (either with their consent, or against their will--as evidenced by the numerous bondage photos), but they're displayed in the rest of the magainze as being just props. Why set a peice of digital equipment against a bowl of fruit when you can model it as a fake phallus that is just mere centimeters away from juicy, dripping wet lips of a faceless model?

What does this tell the male youth of our society? We already know the messages being sent to our female youth (Be skinny! Be a sex object! Be beautiful!). Are women only props? If you can't get your way, just tie her up? Put tape on her mouth so she's 'just how you like her'?

sad state indeed

[chicaloca]

7. exactly!

And none of these women, whether in advertising or in content, looked in any way happy or sexually excited. They had these looks of just...complacency on their face. Not a single smile. Nothing to give the reader the impression that "yes, she's liking it too."

This especially rings true with me, as I've found that guys get really freaked out if I smile, giggle or laugh at all during sex, to the point where they sometimes freeze up. My roommate was telling me that she was making out with a guy at a party last weekend -- a guy who she's had plenty of flings with before -- and she was really happy about it, so she started to giggle. Instead of enjoying her happiness, the fucker pushed her away and asked her what the hell she was laughing at, and proceeded to accuse her of making fun of him. WTF?!? So unless we have pained looks on our faces during sex, men just can't enjoy it. It's like they've been brainwashed by all those images of models who look, based on their arched backs and necks and open mouths, like they're having an orgasm. But then you look more closely at the expressions on their face, and their foreheads are wrinkled and their mouths are turned down -- it's like they're in pain while having an orgasm. :(

[Heddi]

8. I've been asked "what are you laughing at?" before as well

as if Sex isn't supposed to be pleasurable.

To some men, sex is supposed to be a silent act. You take while I give. Be happy that I'm doing this to you. Now I'm done. Time for sleep.

But then there's the other type, and I think that generally these guys really DO formulate their ideas of sex from porn tapes. They're the type that EXPECT you to be yelling at the top of your lungs OH GOD OH YES YES YES DEEPER MMMM OH YEA OH GOD THAT FEELS SO GOOD OH OH OH OH and then, when orgasm is reached, she is supposed to just flail about and make noises like some trapped wild animal.

I was asked once "what's wrong?" when I was just..you know...kind of quietly moaning. What, was it not GOOD enough for you? Is it not DEEP enough for you? No, honey, it's fine. Then why aren't you making any noise? Uh, because I'm not a screamer....most women aren't....and besides, my mom is in the room right next to us.... :get a clue:

My husband, on the other hand, is a fully liberated male. Sex is fun, and funny. I enjoy making jokes during sex, laughing about the squishy sounds and the accidental fart or tangled pubic hairs. Sex isn't painful, it's not unwanted. It's a joyous thing and should be met with joy on the part of both parties.

But alas, that's not the message being sent. We (women) should be complacent sexually, but still want it (lest we be a wallflower), but not want it TOO much (lest we be a whore), be silent UNLESS we're supposed to be moaning like we're being sodomized with a summer sausage, look depressed AND at the same time, look like we're in fits of ecstacy at the SAME TIME secretly frowning on the inside because Mr. Two Minutes got his, is snoring on the side, while we lay unfulfilled on the other side of the bed, knowing we'll be hoarse the next day from our fake screams of passion

[Hello_Kitty]

14. LOL!! Love this post

I think a lot of people (unfortunately me included in the past) think that good sex is all about putting on an act for your partner. Why is it so often called sexual performance? Performance. Like we're trained seals or something. It wasn't until I was in relationships like you describe with your husband that I began to enjoy the experience of sex. Because that's what it is. It involves ALL the senses, not just the visual and audible. And emotions are always heavily involved, for both women and men. There's no magic switch that turns people into instant, orgasmic porn stars.

[Heddi]

15. I think sexual enjoyment is part of the liberating experience

I can see how many women have relegated themselves to living sexually unfulfilling lives because they don't know that it's supposed to be otherwise.

My mom used to tell me the joke about how she was SURE that her parents (my grandparents) only had sex three times--one for her, one for my uncle, and one for my aunt.

THEN...when my mom was about 17 or so my grandmother had 'the talk' with her and casually mentioned that she performed oral sex on my granddad. EW! Oh. My. God. Parents don't do that, right? ew ew ew

Having been in her share of abusive and unfulfilling relationships, my mom always stressed to me that sex should be pleasurable and fun and enjoyable, adn that if i'm not getting something out of it, then something was wrong.

I remember the 1st time I had sex---I was 18, on a school trip to DC. I had been dating my boyfriend for almost a year, and we'd fooled around a bit, and decided "Okay...we're out of town...let's do it"

So I got out a condom....we struggle to put it on. He gets on top of me and I swear to god by the 2nd thrust he was done. He let out this arrghhhhhhggguuuhhhhhh sound and collapsed on me. I laid there completely confused. I actually said "Is that it? Are you really done????" and he made some snoring noise and rolled off of me and fell asleep.

I was just laying there, naked, and I realized then, on my first real sexual encounter, that this is NOT all it's cracked up to be and there must be SOMETHING more.

It was the same the 2nd time we had sex. Literally 2 thrusts and he was done for the night.

The night after our 2nd time, I went with a friend to the porn shop and bought my first (of many) vibrator.

Glad I found out about THAT (vibrator & bad sex) early on, rather than realizing at 45 that I"d been living an unfulfilled life....

[Logansquare]

18. "What are you laughing at?"

"Oh, your small genitals and complete lack of expertise, of course." Insecure men are such a pain in the ass, literally.

[eridani]

23. I've heard that among the Inuit--

--the most common euphemism for sex is "laughing together." Don't remember where I picked it up, and don't know for sure that it's true.

[Warpy]

2. I remember telling somebody in my younger years

that the more I found out about where male sexuality was really at, the more it nauseated me. It still does for the vast majority of men out there.

However, I've grown up quite a bit since then and discovered that yes, there is a solid minority of men out there who are human beings and see women as human beings, not something to masturbate into.

The trouble is telling the difference, especially when you're in your teens and twenties. They're out there, though.

[FizzFuzz]

3. so here I am wanting to reply, and I have no words

But this is why I have pretty much separated myself from mass culture. There is nothing for women in it.

I can't even find the right face thingy to put in here.

[FizzFuzz]

4. P.S. that "I like rape" guy needs to get banned

I haven't come across the thread you're talking about but anyone who says that has no place on a progressive board.

(far as I'm concerned, they have no place breathing the same air as I do, but I don't have any say on that)

[smirkymonkey]

5. Banned?! He needs to be shot!

Sorry, I get a little crazy when I read this stuff. He's probably some dork that only ever leaves the house to buy his zit medicine at the pharmacy.

[FizzFuzz]

6. LOL!! zit meds!

Hi smirky!! Good to see you!

yeah, I'm glad I didn't even see that thread, actually....

[chicaloca]

9. Another thing I didn't get around to mentioning at first...

Is the language people, especially men, use to describe sex. "I banged her," "I nailed her," "I gave it to her," "I played her" (so am I a goddamn piano?). And so forth. There's a great Web site that gives a lot of examples of this type of rape-positive language here:

http://www.pacifict.com/ron/Frazee.html

[Vladimir]

10. Re: "so I am a goddamn piano?"

this is part of the whole "how many times can you make your girlfriend orgasm?" genre, where the emphasis is not on sex as an intimate act between two people, but as a means of proving your inate alpha-maleness. Hence hip-hop lyrics like : "I'm hitting switches on bitches..."

Of course the form here is peculiar, since it revolves around pleasuring the woman, but the content remains the same - the woman is not an equal partner in sex, but an object to be used according to the prevailing social norms of what it is a man should do with his toy. The proof of this is that during such conversations, any mention of the woman helping herself achieve orgasm is scorned, and the man involved derided for his 'incompetence' and so on.

[Finder]

11. Those men have issues...

that feel a woman helping herself indicates incompetence on his behalf. That is just weird. I can't even imagine dating much less sleeping with an idiot like that.

Then again, I am a Dom.:evilgrin:

[redqueen]

12. It seems to be characterizing the sex act as negative and dominating.

Even the insult "fuck you" seems to communicate that the act of "fucking" someone is a negative thing that must be endured.

*sigh*

[redqueen]

13. The only thing I can think of to stop it

is to raise our daughters and sons not to buy into that mindset.

If we raise them to think critically, they will see these hateful things the same way we do, instead of accepting them unquestioningly.

[shockra]

16. Important book on this subject...

Transforming a Rape Culture, was just revised a few months ago. It's been a few years since I've read it, but it was worth it. Just to know that there *is* such a book was heartening.

An editorial review from the amazon.com page:

From Kirkus Reviews

Well-edited, worthy compendium of writings about sex and violence in our culture. In 34 essays--some reprinted, many published here first--well- known feminist activists, university professors, theologians, novelists, editors, and politicians diagnose and prescribe remedies for a society that daily demeans and circumscribes women with the threat of rape. Andrea Dworkin's famous ``I Want a Twenty-Four Hour Truce'' opens the collection: It's a 1983 speech to a ``men's movement'' seminar in which Dworkin passionately challenges men to begin to shun and punish each other for the act of rape. In ``Erotica vs. Pornography,'' Gloria Steinem makes an early (1977) version of the now-familiar argument for banning pornography as tool of male dominance. In ``Radical Heterosexuality,'' reprinted from Ms., Naomi Wolf analyzes ``relationships'' in light (or gloom) of rape. More positively, in ``What Women Want,'' Milkweed's editor-in-chief Buchwald proposes specific principles that women impart to their daughters as a means to avoid but not fear rape; and in ``How Rape is Encouraged in American Boys,'' sociologist Myriam Miedzian prescribes a curriculum to train boys not to attain gender identity through misogyny and rape. Other essays offer first-person accounts of sexual harassment, enforced subordination, and rape; explore the psychology of gender cruelty; report on sexual intimidation and violence within American churches and on college campuses; and devise new tactics for changing laws and language that normalize sexual aggression. The book closes with a section of ``visions'' of a better world, including Louise Erdrich's a beautiful meditation on women's spiritual liberation from ``The Veils.'' An impressive collection on a subject that should be of wider interest and concern. -- Copyright ©1993, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved.--This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

[chicaloca]

17. wow!

I just read the 1993 edition a few months ago (my university library takes a while to get new books). I had no idea there was a new edition out -- thanks a bunch, shockra! One thing about that book that made me really sad, though, was how some of the essays from the 70s are just as true today as they were then. Shouldn't we have made some progress since then? I know we have in terms of laws, i.e. spousal rape laws and rape shield laws, but people's attitudes about women's sexuality still seem so stone age. ;(

[Zhade]

19. If you think WE have that kind of culture, visit Japan.

For some unfathomable reason, there is a real rape fetish mentality to a lot of their adult entertainment. It's disgusting, and I just don't understand how series like "Rapeman" (yes, a real title) can thrive there.

It's very disturbing.

(Uh, hi, male but interested in gender equality - I'm a good friend of Beam Me Up Scottie.)

[Lydia Leftcoast]

21. And yet there's very little street rape in Japan

Bigger problems are groping on the subways (something Western women rarely have to deal with--I think word has gotten around that we react very, very negatively to being groped), sexual harrassment in the workplace and school, and gang rape at student parties.

[Nikia]

20. On a related topic, crossing the line to rape

Many men, who claim that they would never rape anyone, see nothing wrong with having sex with a woman, who they don't know, who has partaken in drugs or alcohol as long as she is not passed out. They see nothing wrong with lying to her either. They see nothing wrong with continuing to pressure her after she has said no multiple times. They think that it is alright to trick a woman into having sex with them. In short, they think that it is alright to have sex with someone who is not as freely consenting as they are. Is that rape? Is that not quite rape, but dangerously close?

[Samurai_Writer]

22. It is rape!

Anytime a woman says no or cannot give consent, the guy should keep his dick in his pants, go home and relieve himself.. BY himself.