I know this isn't really a feminist issue, but...

[VelmaD]

I really need somewhere to vent and the Lounge is not an option on this one. I had a fight with one of my best friends on DU and he goes in the Lounge and I don't want to make it worse by venting in public. I'm pretty damn sure he won't be coming in here.

I'm coming unglued. I just lost Andy. My guy best friend is about to start chemo for colon cancer. And I think I'm probably losing a good friend who has been a rock for me over the last year.

I'm stressed out and freaked out and did something really stupid...I told him the truth and we had a blowup and now he's all freaked out and I'm probably going to lose somone I really care about and I can't figure out how to fix things and mostly I just want to cry.

I can't stop shaking. After several days of silence the pm I just got was painful. I don't have the energy for the drama right now. I don't feel like defending myself and I don't feel like getting yelled at and I don't feel like I should be the one walking on eggshells. I want just once for the other person to make the effort to fix things instead of me having to do it all the damn time.

I want to yell at him. I want to take all this anger I have at the universe and just open up full bore. I want him to get over it and maybe see how much I hurt right now and understand that it's making me do dumb things sometimes and to cut me some fucking slack.

I want my momma.

[Bunny]

1. Aww geez VelmaD - that sounds dreadful!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know you didn't ask for advice, and I don't have any to offer anyway, I just hate to see you feeling so bad. :hug:

[VelmaD]

2. I just wanta wake up one morning...

and have it be January again. I want Andy to call and tell me it's just Hep A. I want this past weekend to NEVER have happened. And I want my best friend to be well.

It's probably way too much to ask for from the universe.

[Misunderestimator]

3. Damn, Velma.

:hug: How awful to be going through such drama from so many angles. Sorry you're going through this... and I hope things sort themselves out quickly. :hug:

[VelmaD]

6. Thanks...I hope it's over soon myself...

I just want it to be over.

[Hello_Kitty]

4. Oh I'm so sorry!

:grouphug: ((((((VelmaD))))))

Don't worry about blowing up at your friend. True friends understand that we all go through rough times and can't always show perfect decorum in them. You don't have to "fix" anything. You need the space to grieve your losses and gather the strength to deal with what's coming up. People do need to cut you some slack right now and if they can't, then they're not worthy of your friendship.

Hope you feel better soon :hug:

[VelmaD]

5. I'm just so angry right now

I'm angry that my friend put me in a position where I feel like I have to defend myself. HE talked about being disaapointed in me...well, I'm pretty damn disappointed in him right now too. He's got his view of what happened and doesn't seem to think my view has any legitimacy. Makes me want to throttle him.

I told him earlier that I didn't have the energy to rebutt everything he said today but part of me just wants to say "fuck it" and open up on him. I know it's petty and vindictive but it would feel so good to once in my life really let someone know when and how they hurt my feelings.

[Hello_Kitty]

7. Well of course you are

It's one of the stages of grief and a perfectly natural response to a friend who is putting his own comfort ahead of your needs right now. Hopefully he'll pull his head out of his ass pretty soon and realize that it's Not All About Him.

[Eloriel]

25. Velma

There's absolutely nothing petty or vindictive about letting someone know when and how they hurt your feelings. In fact, DOING that is one important way to validate yourself and take care of yourself. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT and sometimes even the obligation to do just that. Honest.

There's a better way and a worse way to do it, of course. One commonly suggested and appropriate way is, "When you do such and such, I feel so and so." You can talk about your feelings at length.

That lets people know what their effect on you is, and they can make adjustments to their behavior to the extent they are able to hear you, can understand, and care about the impact of their behavior on you.

(As I'm listening to myself say all this, I realize I need to hear it myself. Sigh.)

You're also perfectly entitled to your anger (or any other emotion you've got), AND perfectly entitled to express it, tho respectfully (which means not acting out, or taking it out on others -- LOL, no matter how much they "deserve" it). Again, "when you do so and so, it made me very angry, because ...."

It sounds like a very difficult and challenging time you're going through and my heart goes out to you.

Another thought: you're also entitled to define and defend your personal boundaries. If someone continuously says things that are offensive, or insults you, or does other personally invasive stuff, you have the right (in fact, the obligation if you're taking care of yourself) to speak up and say something to the effect that you don't appreciate the insults, or that kind of talk, or using your things without prior permission, or whatever. Boundaries: very useful concept. We all have the right to have our own personal boundaries, AND to defend them to others and OTHERS have the responsibility (if they wish to have good, respectful relationships with us) to honor those boundaries. All those sexist jokes and stuff, ALL sexual harrassment on the job, are all boundary violations. Very useful concept, or at least it was to me once I discovered it. LOL -- my reaction was, "Wow, you mean we can HAVE some (boundaries?"

Hope things are better for you, or will be very soon.

[cally]

8. I'm sorry you are facing this all at once

Just take the time to grieve and be angry. Many :hug:

[VelmaD]

9. The anger is starting to finally really take over...

and my friend is likely to get an earful soon about exactly how I feel about things. Should be exciting.

[Cerridwen]

10. awwwww

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:






and one more







:hug:

[VelmaD]

11. Thank you

:hug:

I knew this was the right place to come vent.

[Beaverhausen]

12. I lost a good friend last week too - cancer

:cry:

:hug:

You are extra stressed now with all you are going through.

:hug:

stop and take a deep breath. If this person is really a friend he will understand.

:hug:

[VelmaD]

13. I keep telling myself that...

but the fact is he's in the same boat I'm in right now. He lost a friend last weekend as well. (And that's as close as I'm skirting to who it is I'm talking about.) He's not any less stressed and tired and upset than I am. And it drives me crazy that I can recognize that we're both being unreasonable but I can't seem to do anything about it.

[cally]

19. I'm sorry about your friend

another :hug: for you.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

14. Grief is the "devil's playground"..you are both dwelling in it right now

Your friendship will still be there after the grief abates if you let it go for now and come back to the issues later.

[VelmaD]

16. I know intellectually that you are absolutely right...

but my heart has a harder time. I know I'm being more wigged than I normally would, but I'm scared. With losing Andy and the possibility of losing my best friend...I just feel like there's never really enough time and that you can't let this stuff go too long. Something could happen at any time.

I know...it's not the most rational thing in the world but it's how I feel right now.

I'm trying to let it go. Everyone keeps telling me to and I know it's good advice. But it's not who I am. And one of these days I'd really like to have a screaming match with someone. I always let things go adn wait til everyone is calmer...being reasonable and doing the best thing sucks ass. *pout* :)

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

17. Send your friend a note saying you are stepping back for two weeks

and will respond in two weeks and will not engage til then.

Then go find some old piece of crap object and a baseball bat...take the old piece of crap out to the yard and beat the fuck out of it with the baseball bat until you can't beat anymore. (wear protective goggles)

[Ripley]

18. LOL!

Good advice NSMA!

Another suggestion: Run until you're gonna die (use an indoor treadmill if it's unbearably hot outside and you might actually die) then take an ice cold shower (unless you have heart problems).

Then eat an entire box of Ice Cream or some other indulgence. :hi:

[VelmaD]

20. Hee...I already did the ice cream thing...

last night. Got a quart and ate about half of it. Gonna eat the other half tonight.

And I've been away from the gym for too long. Need to go run myself into the ground so maybe I can sleep.

Good advice. Thanks. :)

[Ripley]

22. You are welcome VelmaD!

I'd also like to add: Eat a big bowl of spaghetti! Go CARB-WILD!

We all need to just let go, sometimes, and do what feels good..comfy food and PHYSICAL ACTION always helps get the same kind of brain flow going...

Oh, and another thing like NSMA's. Smash your empty beer bottles (or carrot juice bottles) into a trash can - just like NSMA's bat beating - it does something wonderful to BREAK SHIT! :hi:

Feel better.

[VelmaD]

21. Will my swim goggles work?

:)

I just don't know if I can make it 2 whole weeks. Kinda runs counter to my basic personality. But if the guy in question is gonna keep on being surly I'm gonna end up implementing your idea anyway as a means of not hitting him upside the head with a shovel.

[BlueIris]

23. I was just going to suggest this.

Well, not the baseball bat thing, but that would probably be good for Velma, too.

Feel better, Velma.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

15. Grief is the "devil's playground"..you are both dwelling in it right now

Your friendship will still be there after the grief abates if you let it go for now and come back to the issues later.

[eleny]

24. Today is a good day to take care of you

And so is tomorrow and the next day, too. You have to come first some time. :hug: