Hello ladies.

[HEyHEY]

I need some help. I have a friend with an extremely poor opinion of herself because of her sexual past. Can anyone recommend a book that could help her come to terms with herself? Something that could put into context that she hasn't done anything wrong and she only feels bad because society says she should?
Any help would be much appreciated.

[ismnotwasm]

1. Depending on how open minded she is

There are several books. I am more of a so-called "radical" feminist so the books I read may or may not help her. One that is good and healing, but can difficult read is "Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. It's a Jungian analysis of archetypes in myths and fairy tales with beautiful prose. Not radical, but deeply insightful and, like I said if you're not a reader, hard to slog though. I recommend opening it to a particular chapter rather than reading it start to finish. It's very rich.

Since you've come to a feminist board, I'm assuming you want feminist books. Not all of us are ashamed of our sexual past, like myself. What it took was total acceptance of my femaleness rather than my society engineered perception of femininity. I redefined "female" though a feminist standpoint rather than a society imposed one.

Two I've read recently (Any book on feminism is going to address sex and sexuality) That while from different points of view are similar enough on sex to provide comfort and information. One is "The Whole Women" by Germaine Greer, (In fact she might want to go back in time and read The Female Eunuch" by the same author) The other is "C***" (yes that's the title) by Inga Muscio.

There are more radical books, historical books, first, second and third wave feminism books, Fiction-- author Toni Morrison for instance. I think everyone should read "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou. It addresses shame from a different angle.

Tell her as a woman and a feminist I can love her and who she is without knowing her, (don't ask how I got to that point--long story) and I don't judge her by her sexuallity or her sexual past.

[HEyHEY]

3. Thank you very much

I will look for some of those.

I'm looking for anything that can help her. There is no way such an amazing woman should not be able to love herself.

[mrreowwr_kittty]

2. That's a tough one. I feel for her.

I hate this shitty world for it's lousy double-standards and shaming people. Being sexual is not a crime! Whether her past is due to stuff that was against her will or coerced, or she freely chose it (generally it's a bit of both with so-called "promiscuous" women), she has nothing to apologize for. I second ismnotwasm's recommendations, particularly the Inga Muscio one. I read it recently. It blew my mind (an understatement) and shook up some deep-seated conceptions I had about my body and my place in the world.

A good friend of mine is a woman who has had many sexual partners in the past. Again, it's a complex history, fraught with early sexual abuse. She decided to quit being ashamed about it and get on with her life. When she was dating her husband, a very cool dude, she told him about her past including "the number". According to her, he said that he was proud that he was the man she chose to spend her life with after having so much experience to draw from.

[bliss_eternal]

4. What a nice friend you are...!

:hi:

I also like the Clarissa Pinkola Estes books that ismnotwasm recommended, many find them uplifting.

Since you probably don't really want to go into a lot of detail as to what she's experienced in her past, to protect her privacy I have another suggestion to offer---that could be helpful for you. If you got to amazon.com and type in the subject matter that you are seeking, quite a few books tend to come up on search. Reading the reviews offered on the books on amazon can be really helpful! I've purchased a few books, based on the reviews on amazon.com. :)

Given what you've said, a few search possibilities "overcoming trauma", "self esteem after trauma", "women's self esteem after sexual abuse", "women's healing after trauma." (I just threw those out as areas I know can contribute to women's self esteem. Ignore my suggestions if they aren't at all applicable to your friend.

If you find a few that seem to address her issues specifically, but you aren't quite sure after reading the reviews--feel free to come back here and ask if any of us have experience with those texts. Happy to be of help!

Hope this helps!

Best to both of you,
bliss :)