Update for those interested

[Samurai_Writer]

I want to thank everyone who has sent me private messages and responded on the other thread about what happened to me last weekend. I just wanted to give an update to let you know how I am doing.

I went to the gynecologist on Tuesday to get examined and have the requisite tests done. I went to my regular doctor on Thursday for my back, and had an MRI done on Friday. My back is feeling a little better now, but it's still hurting.

I went to the counselor's on Friday also. She said I was dealing with things rather well. I told her what happened (which I didn't think I was going to be able to do) in a rather calm manner. We discussed what my options were regarding going to the police or not, and how I would handle it if he contacted me again.

Ironically, he called me and left a voice mail right after I got home from my counselling appointment. The guy is absolutely clueless he did anything wrong. Called to tell me what a 'great time' he had and how much he wants to 'go out with me' again. Needless to say, the voicemail rather upset me. Luckily, I have a friend spending the weekends with me, who arrived shortly after I listened to the message, and was very understanding and helpful.

Now I'm trying to decide if I should call him and tell him exactly what he did and that I don't want to hear from him ever again, or just ignore it if he calls again. If I call him, then I can take out a restraining order if he tries to contact me again. But I don't know if I can deal with calling him. I will talk to my counselor about it this week.

Again, thanks for all your support. I've pretty much taken refuge in this group, not venturing into other forums like GD and the Lounge. I seem to be hyper-sensitive to sexist posts right now, so feel better just staying in here.

Peace,
Bella

[VelmaD]

1. I'm so glad you talked to a counselor...

And know that no matter what you decide is best for you to do I will support you 100 percent. I think I speak for everone in this forum when I say we're all here for you whenever you need us. Take good care of yourself. :hug:

[Eloriel]

2. I'm SO glad you're taking care of yourself

Oh, bless your heart. And of COURSE you're hyper-sensitive to sexism. Hell, I've never been in your situation and *I'm* hypersensitive to sexism. :evilgrin:

Have you considered filing charges? I'm not advocating for or against that -- I don't have a position on it at all and like Velma said, would support your decision on it 100% -- but rather just wanted to bring it up vis a vis your "calling him" or not. I just thought filing charges would put him on notice on that issue.

Just had an idea. This may or may not work for you, but I'll toss it out. What if you had a male counselor of some type available to you to help you confront him -- you could arrange to "meet" him at the counselor's office, and then proceed to tell him what he did was wrong, with the male counselor assisting as necessary.

You will NEVER get him to "hear" you otherwise, and even that may not work. It might be too easy to find some way of being dismissive of the counselor.

The most important thing is YOUR healing -- so remember to do whatever is most appropriate for that, no matter what. BE SELFISH (if that's what it takes). The whole rest of the world doesn't matter one fig right now.

Big hugs! :hug:

[all.of.me]

3. i don't know what happened, but it sounds like you

are taking control of the situation. take care of yourself, bella. coddle yourself and continue to get the support you need.

[efhmc]

4. Any and all things you can, will do to help yourself are needed

and necessary. Keep safe and stay strong and get help when you need to.

[Hello_Kitty]

5. I'm so glad you're doing better

And that you have someone staying with you. I can't believe he called you! Then again, I really can. He's clearly a social moron on top of being a sexual predator.

Please, please, do SOMETHING to this asshole! Even if it's just to confront him about his behavior. Send him a return-receipt letter (and keep a copy) if you aren't comfortable talking to him. Spell out exactly what he did and let him know that he is never to contact you again. That should suffice for the restraining order.


Anyway big hugs to you and I hope you start feeling happy and peaceful soon.

:hug:

[Bunny]

6. I'm glad to hear that you got checked by doctors, and I hope

your healing continues. Counseling is good, I hope you keep it up - maybe the counselor can give you tips for confronting the creep?
:hug:

[lukasahero]

7. Haven't written but think about you daily

I'm glad to hear you are doing ok, that you've sought out help from the various professionals in your life and that you have the emotional and physical support of a friend to be there with you.

Be gentle with yourself - if here is only where you can be right now, then just be here. We all need a little comfort and support now and then. Glad you feel you have that place here.

[FizzFuzz]

8. thinking of you

confronting him seems like the most impossible thing now. But years down the road, you would probably regret it if you looked back and saw yourself hiding under the covers now.

You know what's the best thing for you--I'm only giving one opinion, and I'm not in your shoes.

I'm glad too that there is safe caring support here for you. And so glad to know you've got a support system set up for yourself.

:hug:

[Beaverhausen]

9. Glad that you are taking action

Is your counselor trained in this kind of situation? I think it's important that you get the right kind of expertise in this case-at least as far as knowing what legal steps you should take.

Remember- YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!! Lots of us have unfortunately been either in the same situation or close to it.

"hug"

[geniph]

10. One half of me wants to tell you to hide from him,

and keep yourself safe, and the other half is conflicted, and says, but what about the other young women he may victimize if he's not somehow educated that what he did was wrong?

How does a man grow to adulthood and not understand that NO means NO, it doesn't mean GO RIGHT AHEAD?

:-(

It isn't up to you to retrain him, but jeez, I wish there was some way you could. I'm worried for you. If the guy weren't frightening to you, maybe there could be some way you could write something explaining to him that you most assuredly did not give consent, that what he did was rape, and that you do not wish him to contact you again. I wish there were some way for a third party to explain those things to him. Maybe there's a reasonable person in there who would be appalled to realize what he did to you.

Whatever you do, keep yourself safe first and foremost, both physically and emotionally. I've been there. It's not fun. It's not easy. But you can come back to feeling safe again, really you can.

:grouphug:

[Samurai_Writer]

11. Maybe he does know....

That's another thing I have been thinking of. Maybe the whole ignorance about what he's done is just an act. Maybe he's just a manipulative sociopath who thinks he can smooth things over by being charming, so he can have another shot at me. He certainly has the symptoms:

not learning from experience
no sense of responsibility
inability to form meaningful relationships
inability to control impulses
lack of moral sense
chronically antisocial behavior
no change in behavior after punishment
emotional immaturity
lack of guilt
self-centeredness

Add to that, a very forceful personality and an intimidating presence. That's why I haven't contacted him to tell him to leave me alone. Perhaps he's only waiting for me to either 'forgive' him so he can keep up the abuse, or to confront him, which will give him an excuse to lash out at me again.

*sighs* Am I being too over-analytical and paranoid?

[lukasahero]

13. "Am I being too over-analytical and paranoid?"

No, not at all. Read your response again and you will see your answer: both options you offer for what he's "waiting for" only give him yet another excuse for the abuse. In his eyes, if you "forgive" him then "it's your fault", if you don't and you make him mad once again, "it's your fault". Seeing a pattern here?

You are NOT at fault. You did nothing wrong. Whatever you do from here is now up to you. Make the decision you are comfortable with and take it one day at a time from there but please, learn this much: it is not "your fault".

:hug:

[Samurai_Writer]

14. I know it's not my fault

although I do think I could have handled the situation, in retrospect. But that's why hindsight is 20/20. I'm trying not to beat myself up for being so stupid. I'm just waiting for that anger phase to hit me so I can actually confront him (with witnesses of course) without being as afraid.

[lukasahero]

15. Good for you!

Sounds like you are dealing with this remarkably well.

[geniph]

16. No, absolutely you're not being paranoid

Your #1 responsibility is to keep yourself safe, and he sounds dangerous and threatening to me.

I wish I could do something to help. :-(

[mogster]

12. Hey, that calls for another huggie!

:hug: Hope you get all the help you want and need :-)

[cally]

17. I'm sorry I missed your initial post

and coming into this late, this post seems like you are moving forward. I can barely believe the rapist called you but I agree that he's either clueless or into the power. In a strange way, he's attacking you again with his call. If you decide to not confront him, maybe you need to change your number. I'm glad you are taking the steps necessary to start to heal. :hug:

That initial thread is horrid. It made me sick to my stomach. I'm sorry that you had to be treated that horribly at DU.

[Behind the Aegis]

18. Good luck to you.

What an incredibly hard situation to be in. I don't know what happened, but I can guess. You are getting the help you need, you are surrounding yourself with support, and you are exploring options...you are doing everything right! The most important part about being is a survivor is doing things that YOU are comfortable with and not what others think you should/shouldn't do. It is important that they support and give advice, but it is up to you.

You sound incredibly strong. Keep those supportive people around, see your counselor, and, though you already know this, it is NOT your fault!

[chicaloca]

19. :(

I didn't read this thread or the original until just now. All I can say is that it breaks my heart that you had to go through this, RadFem. If you want, I'll call that vile, worthless fuckwad myself and cuss him out, curse him and verbally abuse him until I lose my voice. Fuck, I'll find where he lives and kick the living SHIT out of him until it can't even be called living anymore. As far as his not knowing he did anything wrong, I'll bet he did, too. Men like him prey on women, knowing that many of us haven't been educated to know that this is wrong, or we're so reluctant to trust our instincts that we ignore that tiny voice telling us that what happened was rape. That's what happened to me with my ex-boyfriend, and it took me years to realize that what had happened was, in fact, rape. The book "I Never Called it Rape" also reports that most women who've been raped don't consider their experience to be rape, although they show all the same psychological symptoms (sometimes worse, I think) as women who've been raped and realize it. I think men like him, at some level, know this and exploit it. A woman who isn't as aware as you might actually call him back even after being so brutally hurt -- he just doesn't realize that you're not that woman. But honestly, if you ever need to talk or vent, feel free to PM me. You're not going to go through this alone, ok? :hug:

And to everyone here, we are not hypersensitive about sexism. We're just as sensitive about it as we should be.

[noamnety]

20. a few thoughts here

Please find out, if you want to press charges, if you are the victim or if the state is considered a victim and you are a witness. The difference (as my sister found out) is that if there is some BS archaic law saying the state is the victim, they will be picking the lawyer, not you, which means you could end up with two hostile lawyers.

Also, if you decide to call him, find out if that's going to hurt your case if you go to the police. You may not want a phone call on record showing you were initiating contact with him. Lawyers have a way of twisting that sort of thing around.

If he calls back, myself, I'd probably answer and record the call, and confront him. If you can get him on record discussing the use of force, you have an open and shut case, if a recorded conversation is admissable. Of course you could let the machine pick up, then answer, and say "shit, I can't get the machine to cut off, it's still recording" which sounds more innocent than "I'm recording this call for evidence."

Either that, or I'd freeze and stare at the phone without answering, like a deer caught in the headlights; it's hard to say without being in the situation.

You haven't talked about a civil case at all, but if you have bills that insurance isn't covering, you might want to find out about whether that's a possibility.

Disclaimer - I'm not a lawyer, I'm just talking from having a family member go through the experience.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

21. I'm coming to this late, but you have my utmost sympathy

I was nearly in your situation once during graduate school and saved only by my roommate coming in.

Then the guy had the gall to go around and tell his friends about it, implying that I had "wanted it" and had chickened out at the last minute. Not true--this is someone I was in classes with, and after getting into a conversation in the TV lounge about our mutual classes, I had invited him up to the room for tea. The attack came completely out of the blue, since we'd never even flirted.

I had to face a few weeks of male acquaintances making remarks that implied that I was a prude or a cock teaser, because the creep evidently went around and gave a highly distorted account of the events.

As I look back, I see that he really was a predator. He groped several of the other women students in the department during class. (We sat at seminar tables.)

In 1975, who thought to press charages in a case like that?