Reply #8: Bear Shitting in Woods Threatens National Security [View All]

[Nevernose]

(February 1, 2008, Freeptown, Alaska) AP -- The Bush administration today announced that "US forces have uncovered a serious threat to the safety of the Homeland," announced White House spokesperson Guy Wholyes. "Although North American bears have long been viewed as cute and cuddly, many people -- hikers and hunters and whatnot -- have reported that bears frequently attack with no rhyme or reason. It has become evident in the post 9/11 world that many of these bears simply hate America. They want to kill you. The administration also cannot conclusively deny the existence of an ursine-funded uranium processing facility capable of producing weapons-grade plutonium. But I ask you to do this: Picture your children's playground, and picture the school your grandchildren go to. Now imagine a mushroom cloud rising above, and the survivors so horribly scarred by radiation that they envy the dead."

Bears, bear trainers, people who are exceptionally hairy, and veterinarians who specialize in incontinence have all been put on No-Fly lists, as well as having all electronic communications monitored by the NSA.

A spokesperson for the World Wildlife Fund replied to the administration's assertions by asking, "What the fuck is wrong with you people?"