"Your father Satan must be very proud." [View All]

[OldSoldier]

One of Fayetteville's more entertaining characters is James Lancaster, Fayetteville's Best Christian. This guy is a real-life Betty Bowers, except he doesn't realize he's a parody.

If you write an anti-Bush letter to the local paper, you get a letter from Mr. Lancaster. A couple of weeks ago I wrote a nice little letter to the paper. Nothing too harsh--I just said Bush killed over 300 American troops by lying us into an unnecessary war and needs to go to jail, along with his entire administration, for the rest of his natural life. Like I said, nothing harsh or fallacious at all.

Last night the James Lancaster letter arrived. This one wasn't as much fun as the last one--there was no little drawing of one of God's Kids in the envelope. (Yes, you are quite right, God's Kids is just one step away from Jerry's Kids.) But it did have much to commend it for entertainment value:

* My father Satan must be very proud. (In his last letter he declared me the Spawn of Satan. I felt honored.)
* He said that the sooner all of the Devilcrats would die and go to hell, the happier it would make him and all the other saints.
* The more you liberal Devilcrats hate President Bush, the more we true patriots love him. (He's also a real-life Bob Boudelang, but I don't want to print off Mr. Boudelang's rants because James Lancaster wouldn't realize the author is a libera

There was a bunch of other stuff, but I didn't have the time to translate it because I had to go put tarps on plywood last night (he has atrocious handwriting; I wonder if he'd take offense if I went to Hope Harbor Christian Mission, bought a used typewriter and gave it to him, for if he's going to continue to write to me, it would be nice if I could read it!). My evil twin cousin Skippy will add more to this later on tonight.

I'm not worried about him stalking me; this is an old coot who's basically harmless. The high points of his week seem to be going to church every night and passing out tracts in the supermarket parking lot, so if James Lancaster wants to believe I'm the spawn of Satan, I'll make him happy and be the spawn of Satan.