Reply #228: Since there have been two similar stories from the male POV. . . [View All]

[Tansy_Gold]

. . .allow me to present one from the female.

In the late 1960s, before Roe v Wade, I was living with a long-term boyfriend. Quite scandalous in my traditional family, so my parents were unaware of the details of our living arrangement.

Although he and I had been involved for a considerable length of time, we had had our rocky spells. And I knew that he had been in another long-term relationship that had broken off a year or so before he met me. He was 24, I was 19.

Contraception was my responsibility and I was religious about it. Even so, there came a time when I suspected the pills (this was the late 60s, remember; they weren't foolproof) had failed and I was pregnant.

The very last person I considered telling was the boyfriend. Instead, I contacted some trusted girlfriends to find out what options I had. They had contacts that could, if I chose to do so, would procure me an illegal but reasonably safe abortion.

First I had to find out for sure if I was pregnant. As it turned out, I wasn't -- and with 30-years of hindsight I'm sure now that the dosage of the pill was simply too high for me. but had I been, I would have gotten the abortion and not told him.

Months later, he discovered through a mutual acquaintance what had happened. He confronted me with my actions, with the decision I would have made. he asked me why, when I claimed to love him so much, would I have aborted and not even have told him?

"Because it had to be my decision. Regardless what YOU think of our relationship or what YOU think *I* think of our relationship, I didn't completely trust you. The only person I could really rely on was myself." Of course, he was outraged. It was *his* child, after all, even though there hadn't been one. but when I asked him if he would marry me, then and there, without the baby, his hesitation told me all I needed to know. The very fact that he was outraged, instead of sympathetic, told me everything. It was all about him and the baby -- and never about me.

Many years later, after I was married (to someone else, thank goodness!!!) and had two small children, I thought I was pregnant again. I'd have been like my friend who had three children in 2 and a half years and almost died during the third one, except that I was far more healthy than she. but we hadn't wanted any more children after our second was born, so my husband had a vasectomy. And I hadn't been having sex with anyone else. Had the vasectomy not worked? Had something gone wrong? Or was there something else wrong with me?

This time there was no question -- I immediately consulted my husband. Financially, emotionally, in every possible way we did not want another child, and we had taken steps to prevent having any more. But something still was wrong.

I consulted our family physician and he ordered some tests. Should the tests show that I was indeed pregnant, he would arrange to have it terminated if we so wished. We had two children we dearly loved and the thought of terminating a third was painful, but we knew there was simply no other choice.

Again, it turned out to be a false alarm -- I was merely hypothyroid.

But when I compared the two experiences, especially in light of the present discussion, I realized more clearly than ever that it is not the POV of the sperm donor that matters, even in evaluating the relationship. It is the POV of the mother. Maybe the two young women who aborted just didn't quite trust their partners to stand by them, or maybe they didn't trust their commitment. or maybe they had had friends who had gotten pregnant and the guys even married them, but the commitment didn't last. or maybe they knew that deep down the only person whose decision mattered was their own.

Y'know, we've all been hurt in life. We've lost parents or loved ones, had lovers cheat on us and walk out on us, had spouses betray us and business partners steal the shit from us. There's no legislation that can prevent that.

the legislation that separates abortion rights from parental support duties attempts to make responsibility fairly distributed -- the minute you start having sex, you create a responsibility to the child after it's born. You can't escape that; it's inherent in the risk. But the right to obtain the abortion inheres only to the one carrying the pregnancy. So does the right to inform the other party.

If you have the choice whether or not to have sex with the woman, and you have any doubts about wanting her to be the mother of your child, don't have sex with her. I mean, c'mon, why would you want -- WANT -- to have sex with someone you didn't have enough affection and respect for to be the mother of your child?

Eeeeiuw, don't answer that.