Qualifications for Television "Journalists" in the Current Era [View All]

[jmowreader]

We all bitch about how bad the media is these days. How they let Bush slide on things twenty times worse than what they would have hung Clinton out to dry over. Or forty times worse than what they would have hung Gore on, if the Supreme Court would have upheld the "state's rights" dogma the Republicans proclaim.

But what's it take to be a journalist in this modern era? If you meet all of these guidelines, you can become a highly-paid talking head. No experience necessary.

* You must have contributed the maximum amount to the Republican Party.
* You must believe that George W. Bush is more presidential than any president in history.
* You must believe that Bill Clinton has horns and a tail. Believing he has cloven hooves is optional, but it will gain you fifteen points on your application.
* You must have a rolodex containing phone numbers and addresses of at least forty stupid Democrats who don't blink much when exposed to bright light.
* You must be able to invent names for phony liberal think tanks to claim that the forty stupid Democrats belong to.
* You must look good in makeup. Female candidates must look good in a lot of makeup.
* You must be able to shout down anyone who disagrees with you.
* Female candidates must have at least a 38-inch bust size and curly hair at least fourteen inches long.
* Male candidates must own no less than 100 high-quality ties; all of them must be red, white and blue.
* All candidates must own no less than twenty different flag-themed lapel pins.

If you meet all of these requirements, don't wait! Networks are hiring right-wing commentators right now!