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I got this in an e-mail. This woman is my new hero.
AN OPEN LETTER TO > MR. JAMES THATCHER, > BRAND MANAGER, > PROCTER & GAMBLE. > - - - - > Dear Mr. Thatcher, > > I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I > appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or > Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa > dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in > tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary > Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how > crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and > secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. > > Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from > "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting > right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging > through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll > be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly > with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? > > As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen > quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' > monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, > puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, > crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time > for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent > urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just > because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken > chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is > just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. > > Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the > throes > of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my > uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive > backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." > > Are you f **king kidding me? > > What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really > think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a > menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? > Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there > will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack > yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so > you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a > sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, > pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi > pad wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, > like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? > Or are you just picking on us? > > Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, > there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my > maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your > Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending > bulls** t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always. > > Best, > Wendi Aarons > Austin, TX
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