Satirical Living Will [View All]

[JPZenger]

I, _________________________, do not wish to be kept alive by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of a pesticide applier/congressman who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology, or a doctor/ congressman/ chain hospital owner who thinks that AIDS can be transmitted by tears.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. At such time, I instruct my spouse and attending physician to pull the plug and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of a Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.

I don't care how many fundamentalist votes politicians are trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn't care less if religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to haunt them with a set of chains to make sure they never sleep well again.

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