November surprises to watch for this weekend: [View All]

[JeffR]

:bluebox: Speaking from a secure undisclosed location several feet up his own ass, Vice-President Dick Cheney announced today that anyone voting for a Republican House or Senate candidate on Tuesday will receive $50,000 and a pony. Asked about apartment dwellers, people allergic to horses and other voting blocs who might not want a pony, Cheney said, "They can go fuck themselves."

:bluebox: In a dramatic Washington news conference, Dennis Hastert, Bill Frist, John Boehner and other top GOP lawmakers officially announced that they are changing the name of their party to The Democratic Party. They urged all voters to vote Democratic on Tuesday. Addressing the idea that this might cause confusion at the ballot box, Boehner commented, "Well, we sure hope so."

:bluebox: Beneath the eerily familiar sight of a large "Mission Accomplished" banner, President George W. Bush today announced that all American forces will be withdrawn from Iraq by Monday evening, and that control of the Iraqi government will be turned over to Saddam Hussein. "There's no reason why someone guilty of mass murder, corruption and other high crimes and misdemeanors isn't perfectly capable of running a country," Mr. Bush noted.

:bluebox: All state, district and local Democratic candidates were deported to Afghanistan overnight. A jovial Tony Snow informed the White House press corps that it was, "... in America's best interest that we fight them over there so we don't have to fight them over here."

:bluebox: A Bush administration spokesperson confirmed early media reports that oil has been found on the president's Crawford ranch, putting an end to years of jokes about Mr. Bush's inability to find oil in Texas: "We believe this will send a message to the American voter that the president is trustworthy and competent after all, so everyone should vote Republican on Tuesday. The president will have more to say about this, but he is currently digging up every square foot of the ranch in the hope that Saddam's weapons of mass destruction might be discovered there, too."