Most of the time, I'm OK. [View All]

[Cabcere]

Most of the time, the medication does its job, and I can live a relatively normal life.

Most of the time.

But sometimes, in those in-between periods, when I'm re-adjusting my dosage or dealing with PMS or other stressors in my life...sometimes it gets pretty rough.

Right now is one of those rough times. This past week was especially difficult - my college president resigned, and Valentine's Day was the anniversary of a friend's death in Iraq. I've been neglecting my Arabic homework and not practicing guitar as much as I should (or at all, really, which is NOT good), and I'm just having extreme difficulty bringing myself to care about things like studying. I feel like I have zero energy, and today I just got so overwhelmed that I curled up in bed under the covers and slept, hoping that would ward off the cold, sticky, all-encompassing darkness that threatened to envelop me. I felt a little better when I woke up, but it's still tough.

I hate falling behind in my schoolwork, and I know I need to talk to my Arabic professor, at least, about my lack of progress and negligence in doing homework, but I hate doing that, too. I had to do that freshman year - write a letter to my professors explaining that I was suffering from mental health issues and having trouble concentrating on my work because of that. I hate asking for help, even though I know that sometimes it's necessary, and that I never would've gotten this far without it, but some part of me still buys into the societal bullshit that says depression is a weakness and that if you can't handle the academic rigors, maybe you don't belong at this college.

Most of the time, I can ignore that hateful little part of my mind that spews that garbage, but right now, my defenses are pretty much shot. I am tired, so tired, and lonely and worried about the future. Part of me just wants to go home, but I also realize that a) that's not practical right now and b) my dad would probably not be happy about that. I'm a senior in college and he's been hinting broadly about me moving out of the house ASAP since last year...he says he just wants me to have my own life and be happy, but it still kind of hurts because it almost makes me feel like I'm not welcome there any more.

My mom says I'll always be welcome at home, and I talk to her on the phone sometimes when I'm feeling down (or even when I'm feeling fine). She's a wonderful person, and we have a great relationship - she's like both a mom and a best friend to me, although of course I have other really great friends here and back home too. She says I can always talk to her about anything, and I know that I really can, but she's been through so much this past year that I feel guilty about dumping my problems on her. I'm 22 years old, already, and I should be able to handle this on my own. x(

Anyway...I'm sorry for the rant, but I just needed to vent, get some things off my chest. I'll be fine, eventually - things will work out and I'll pull through, because I always do, but right now it's not easy. Thanks for listening. :hug: