Reply #12: How many self-loathing women are self-loathing [View All]

[Heddi]

(especially with regards to rape and other violent/sexual crimes) because they have such fear of becoming "one of them"

let me explain--spelling may be horrible because nails are long and haven't had a chance to clip them :)

For some people, there is a certain type of morality involved with rape. Women who take the time to be aware of their surroundings, who lock their doors, who dress appropriately, who don't put themselves in bad situations--these are the women who "should not" be raped. They have taken precautions. When a woman is raped, it can be assumed that no precautions, or not enough precautions were taken. She was not aware of her surroundings. She did not lock her doors. She did not dress or act appropriately. She put herself in a bad situation.

A person is able to remove the threat of rape (or violence, or divorce, etc) if they wrap themselves in the blanket of belief that "I am cautious, therefore, I am not to be preyed upon. Anyone who is preyed upon is not cautious". It's an easy logical fallacy to make, akin to:

Hamburger is made of meat. Therefore, all meat is hamburger

By setting caveats for rape, they can form separate groups within society:

Those who are cautious will not be raped

Those who are not cautious will be raped

It makes it easy, then, to demonize those who are raped--not because they were raped, but because they were not cautious. It shows a lack of forethought and planning, a lack of intelligence, a lack of self-worth or love of self/others. If a woman loved her children enough, she would not have taken a job at night which made her walk to her car in a dark parkinglot which made her get raped by a prowler. She should have had more sense.

In demonizing others for their lack of cautiousness, the woman can then feel better about herself because she *IS* cautious. She locks her doors. She does not go out at night. She does not put herself in a bad situation. She is aware of her surroundings. She is better than them. She loves herself/others more than they do. She is smarter. SHe is more forward thinking.

Another way of self-loathing goes beyond being cautious. Perhaps the woman was cautious, but she was of ill repute. The standard then goes from "why did she put herself in that situation" to "why did she make choices in her life that allowed her to lead a life like that"

One poster, who has not been banned, made the comment in one of the numerous rape threads that she could NOT feel sorry for any stripper, exotic dancer, or prostitute who was raped because, by being a stripper, exotic dancer, or prostitute, she (the raped) was encouraging the rape of other women every day and was getting some sort of karmic-payback for taking part in the oppression of women.

That line of thinking allows a self-loathing woman to say "Well, she did take precautions, but she made bad decions previously in her life that allowed her to be seen not as a person, but as a vagina" It allows for further separation:

Those who are cautious will not be raped

Those who are not cautious will be raped

as well as

Those who made good decisions will not be raped

Those who made bad decisions will be raped

So now these self-loathing women can separate themselves from the "others" in two categories: I am cautious, and I made good decisions, therefore I will not be raped.

Again, logical fallacy akin to:

Hamburger is made from meat. Hamburger comes from cows. Therefore, all meat from cows is hamburger.

Self-loathing women then further parse out life and lifestyle particulars to separate themselves from "the others":

I live in a good neighborhood and I will not be raped

I have a good life and I will not be raped

etc

They continue to parse down each individual aspect of life until they finally reach the point to where they are back to two separate groups:

I will not be raped because I am me
They will be raped because they are not me

It's simplistic thinking that evolved from complex thought. It allows for ascention of the ego. It shows that anyone who is not me is not worthy to be me because they do not hold the attributes that I have. By not being me, they are not me, and by being them, they will never have the protection I have by being me and all that encompases me and the safety that me brings to me. Therefore, I will never be them, and they will never be me. By being them, they are less forward thinking than I am, are not as cautious as I am, have made bad decisions taht I have not made, do not love self/others as much as I do, do not live in the neighborhood I do, etc.

Again, simplistic thinking that saves them from facing the horrors of the world.

When self-loathing women are approached with questions like:

Well what about the old lady whose house was broken into and was raped?
What about the 5-year old who was molested by her father?

How could they have prevented their fate?

The self-loathing woman will publically say that "those situations are different," but will really think back to the "must not love self/others as much as I do". In these situations, the self-loathing woman may not blame the victims in this case. In fact, the self-loathing woman may increase her scope of blame:

Perhaps the children of the old woman should have watched after her more.
Perhaps the old woman should have been living in a facility where she did not face this danger

and

Perhaps the mother of the child should not have married a man who would molest children
Perhaps the mother of the child should have been paying attention to the warning signs of child molestation

For the self-loathing woman, the only innocent is herself and any accused. The raped always hold some blame, either directly or indirectly through the choices/decisions of others.

for the self-loathing woman, the ultimate victim is the rapist, who must live his life downplaying the hourly temptations put forth by women who are not aware of their surroundings, who do not love self/others, who made bad decisions, who live in a bad neighborhood, whose children or parents do not care enough to make better choices in their behalf.

For the self loathing woman, it's all figured out. And it makes thinking that much simpler