Posted this letter behind my front door, on my fridge and by the computer. [View All]

[Pacifist Patriot]

Dear Federal Agent:

I do not know if you are here because I have checked out subversive material from the library (books by M. Moore, J. Carter, B. Clinton, K. Vonnegut, etc.) or because I participated in the peace rally on March 18. Or it could be because I’ve sent letters to Washington letting my representatives (and the pretender on the throne) know how much I disapprove of their actions. Or maybe it’s the letters to the editor in which I railed against Republican incompetence and criminality. I am a vegetarian and I do donate money to liberal causes that promote peace, human rights and nuclear non-proliferation, so perhaps that's why.

But it really doesn't matter since all of those actions are still perfectly legal. Whatever the reason, you’ve agreed to violate my rights as outlined in the U.S. Constitution so you might as well put yourself to good use while you’re trampling on American liberty.

Be sure to check the washing machine. That is where I hide my protest t-shirts. If the stuff in there is wet I encourage you to move it to the dryer and dry it. The words "No Blood for Oil" are clearer when clean and dry. Make sure you move all of it. You don't want to miss anything.

The boys' rooms are such a total mess you're going to have to wade pretty deep to find my old copies of Mother Jones and The Vegetarian Times. The legos go in the small green bins and the blocks go in the big red ones. Do what you can with the action figures, just be careful not to break any when you invariably step on one.

I'm so embarrassed about the state of my bedroom but we could only redecorate one part of the house a year. It's our last project. Look at the paint chips on the wall and let me know which shade you prefer. I'm looking for opinions at all times of the day because, you know, light changes in a room throughout the day. By now the laundry in the dryer should be done. When you sort through it, just toss it on my bed. Be sure to make the bed so there will be plenty of room to spread the laundry while you fold it. Oh, and roll the socks, don't tie them.

There is a special treat for federal agents who search bathrooms. Hint: I keep a notebook by the scrub brush in case I have any inspiration for an editorial while I'm, well, you know. Since you're in there, the Windex for the mirrors is in the cabinet over the dryer. The one you just emptied. I write secret messages to other dangerous liberals that can only be read when the mirrors are freshly cleaned.

No point in rifling through the DVDs and CDs in the drawers under the futon sofa. It's all kid stuff. The really subversive ones are on the plant ledges in the family room. You'll need a ladder and a feather duster. Can you get the ceiling fans while you're up there?

It's a crapshoot whether my kitchen will be amenable to an unwarranted search or not. Usually I try to keep up with the dishes before leaving the house but it's possible there could be a stray one on the counter or in the sink. You'll want to scrub anything you find really well to make sure there are no biological toxins. Oh, that stuff in the crockpot is not explosive material, it's just chili. It doesn't become explosive until ingested. Help yourself just don't call me when your spouse kicks you out of bed tonight.

Now get the fuck out of my house.