so, i'm quitting smoking today... [View All]

[Soylent Brice]

i had my first smoke when i was 11 years old. it was in the bathroom at a holiday inn. my stepbrother talked me into trying it. it was a marlboro light. it was AMAZING.

unlike a lot of other first time smoking stories i've heard, mine differed drastically. i didn't cough, and i didn't get dizzy or lightheaded. i had the advantage of having second-hand smoke from the time i can remember, due to living in a house with smokers.

it was an instant romance, nicotine and i.

by the time i was 14 years old i was smoking a solid pack a day. i was smoking lucky strikes unfiltered, and then eventually settled for the middle ground: marlboro reds. i had experienced insomnia for years so my evenings were spent staying up all night painting and smoking, or staring out the window listening to music.

fast forward. at 23 years old my firstborn daughter arrived. i swore i would quit. my wife had quit when we found out we were pregnant. i was so proud of her. i did not quit. instead i went through a ton of handwashing, hand sanitizer, and shirt changes, just to hold my baby. two more kids later i am doing the same thing. have i no willpower? am i truly "ADDICTED"? obviously so, in fact, and in no apparent hurry to curb my own inevitable bad health, or spare those around me from the stink i ooze.

here i am, 28 years old, will be 29 in august. and i can't continue like this. i have shortness of breath, extremely high blood pressure, and get tired playing something as simple as freeze tag with my kids. this is not what i want for them. this is not what i want for my wife. this is not what i want for me.

the sad thing is that i'm scared. i have ADHD. i have been on dozens of medications from the time i was 11 years old. i took myself off of meds when i was 19 years old. smoking, i convinced myself, was the only thing that was keeping me sane. smoking is my centering tool. smoking, so i have come to believe, is what makes me calm, focused, and attentive enough to appear "normal" to the rest of society. so i have this fear. enough so that it made me cry last night at the thought of quitting smoking.

but i am sure of myself that this is the best possible thing for me, and for the first time since i have been smoking i genuinely want to quit. for the first time it's not an influenced decision (as my wife has implored me to quit for years) and so i feel more ownership. i feel like i may have a chance. i might just pull this off.

so here i am, about to go to lunch. i'm going to talk sweetly and softly to my cancerous beauty. i will explain to her: "it's not you babe, it's me, i swear". in all seriousness, i will probably talk to my last few smokes.

i don't have any problem with other smokers. i will not ever, nor have i ever, try to convince someone else to quit. i have come to find that it is a personal choice. those who smoke should in no way be condemned. but for me, this particular road has taken an odd and unexpected turn. it is time. and i am ready.

i will be picking up a box of that nicotine gum, and my last cigarette will be at 7pm EST.

just seeing those words typed out scares the shit out of me.

so, wish me luck if you want, any luck or good vibes are welcomed!!

side note: if anyone else who has quit smoking has any tips about how they kept themselves from cheating and sneaking smokes in let me know please. my willpower is almost non-existent.