(reprinted in full with permission from the columnist with due attribution and not for profit!)
E-mail forwards are just a bunch of nonsense
The Virginian-Pilot
© May 23, 2006
Last updated: 10:26 PM
OK, I admit it. I lied.
Remember that time we bumped into each other and you asked if I minded the silly e-mails you forward to me every day? I smiled weakly and said, "No."
I was fibbing.
Truth is, I like you, but I hate those dopey messages. So does everyone else.
When people get messages with FWD:FWD:FWD in the subject line, they instantly are alerted to what's coming their way: cyberjunk.
They hit "delete." Without looking.
Sorry. Sooner or later someone would tell you this. It might as well be me.
Every time I dip into my e-mail, I regret giving you the go-ahead. Others must have told that same lie to their
e-mail pals, and now we all get tons of this nonsense every week.
Take Sunday night, for instance. After a long weekend away, I knew I'd have miles of messages waiting for me.
Before I clicked my inbox, I whispered this little prayer:
Dear Lord, please let there be no forwarded messages for me. Just this once. No scary pics of Hillary, no urban legends, no chain letters. And for God's sake, no chain prayers.
I'm sure those petitions annoy You even more than the rest of us. Why don't You just go ahead and fry the hard drives of those who send this stuff? Just a suggestion. Amen.
My prayer went unanswered. I had at least a dozen annoying FWD messages.
Listen, I love electronic messaging. It's an insomniac's dream. Instead of watching "Seinfeld" at 2 a.m., we in the sleepless set can answer our e-mail. Best of all, spelling and grammar don't count.
S ome of you, however, are abusing this technology. You know who you are.
I will live a long and happy life if I never receive another copy of something called "I Am A Bad American" attributed - falsely, of course - to George Carlin.
"You gotta love George!" one e-mailer chirped last week.
I do love George. But I'll bet he didn't write this drivel. Love him or loathe him, George Carlin is funny. This wasn't.
By the way, I'm pretty sure Robin Williams didn't pen that super-patriotic screed that was zipping through cyberspace a couple of years ago, either.
If you're going to forward stuff, how about at least trying to find out whether it's true before you hit "send"?
I'm sure you forwarding fanatics started out with good intentions. You wanted to cheer up 500 of your most despondent friends by sending them a joke.
Why not enjoy the chuckle privately? Print out the joke and hang it on your wall.
Spare the rest of us all this hilarity. Please. We're begging you.
And here's one more suggestion for anyone who finds that "forward" button irresistible: Turn off your computer (you knew it came with an "off" switch, didn't you?) and go outside.
Take a deep breath. Look around.
Chances are you've been so busy forwarding moth-eaten maxims about middle age and incontinence that you hadn't noticed the change in seasons.
Spring is here.
Stay away from your computer for a few days and enjoy yourself. Your 500 best buddies will thank you.
But probably not by e-mail.
Reach Kerry at kerry.dougherty@cox.net.
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