The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 319

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 319

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 319

January 7, 2007
Huck Me Sideways Edition

And we're back! Mike Huckabee (1) leaped to the front of the pack last week, as Mitt Romney (2), Fred Thompson (3), Rudy Giuliani (4), and John McCain (5) struggled to play catch-up. Elsewhere, Pat Robertson (7) gets a message from God, and Bill O'Reilly (8) gets whitewashed. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

Mike Huckabee

Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear. So the first election of 2008 has come and gone, and a quick look at the numbers reveals that the GOP is in deep trouble. But we'll get to that in a minute. First let's take a look at the ~~winners and~~ losers in the first electoral contest of 2008.

The big victor in Iowa was Mike Huckabee, who managed to pull off a win despite a week of spectacular gaffes. To recap:

• On Dec. 28, Huckabee says the assassination of Benazir Bhutto means we need "very clear monitoring of our borders and particularly to make sure if there's any unusal activity of Pakistanis coming into the country."

• To rectify this blunder, one of Huckabee's senior aides explains to reporters that Huckabee has "no foreign policy credentials."

• On Dec. 30, Huckabee appears on Meet The Press and announces that despite his previous assertion that deporting 15 million illegal immigrants would collapse the economy, he strongly believes that all illegal immigrants should be deported. However, he does not believe that the American-born children of illegal immigrants should be deported. So what happens to them? Well, duh, obviously they would go with their parents. Make sense?

• On Dec. 31, Huckabee gathers reporters and lectures them on the evils of negative campaigning. He then plays a 30-second ad his campaign had created to attack Mitt Romney, before declaring the ad to be so awful that he has instructed his staff not to run it. The press has no choice but to guffaw at this transparent piece of bullshittery.

• What was so awful about the ad? Well, it was pretty tough on Romney's record. For example, one of the data points flashed up on the screen criticized him for performing "no executions" while serving as governor of Massachusetts. Phew! It's a good job they didn't run the ad, or Huckabee might have looked like a sadistic maniac rather than a Christian pastor.

• In the spirit of Huckabee's refusal to wage a negative campaign, his national campaign chair Ed Rollins tells reporters that he's so angry he wants to knock Mitt Romney's teeth out.

• Also on Dec 31., Huckabee explains why he's been so clueless about the recent National Intelligence Estimate which determined that Iran has no nuclear weapons program. His reason: "Nobody's going to be able, if they've been campaigning as hard as we have been, to keep up with every single thing, from what happened to Britney last night to who won 'Dancing with the Stars.'"

• On Jan 1., Huckabee invites reporters to watch him get his unibrow trimmed.

• On Jan 2, Huckabee expresses his support for the striking TV writers. He then immediately crosses their picket line in order to appear on the Tonight Show, prompting the striking writers to start carrying large signs reading "HUCKABEE IS A SCAB." A bemused Huckabee then claims he had no idea that crossing the picket line would cause a problem.

• On Jan 3, Mike Huckabee comfortably defeats Mitt Romney to win Iowa.

Is it any wonder the Republicans are crapping their pants?

Mitt Romney

The establishment favorite, Mitt Romney, ended up looking like quite the tool after finishing second in Iowa despite dropping a serious chunk of change on the state. According to the Associated Press:

A multimillionaire who made his fortune as a venture capitalist, Romney spent about $7 million on ads in Iowa, compared to $1.4 million for Huckabee. He also raised and spent the most of any GOP contender, including at least $17 million of the fortune he built during a 20-plus year career as a businessman.

You'd think that as a successful venture capitalist Romney would know when to cut his losses, but it turns out that he's just getting started.

"This is still a nice, long process here," he told about 150 campaign workers who defied frigid temperatures and the 3 a.m. hour to greet his plane as it returned from the Midwest. "We've had, if you will, the first inning of a game that has, let's say, 50 innings in it."

Er, okay, and what game would that be? Martian baseball?

Fred Thompson

Rudy Giuliani

Rudy Giuliani has decided not to campaign in Iowa and New Hampshire, preferring instead to focus on warmer states where he can get a nice tan, like Florida. Apparently Rudy's strategy is to suffer a crushing defeat in every single primary and then show up at the Republican National Convention with Bernie Kerik and some hired muscle. "Nice convention center you've got here. It would be a shame if something happened to it."

And so far Rudy's strategy is coming up roses. His loss in Iowa was truly embarrassing, a sixth-place finish with just 3% of the vote - seven percentage points behind cult leader Ron Paul.

But of course this is all part of the plan. According to Newsday, Rudy has "no regrets" and confirmed to reporters that "This is the strategy that we selected pretty close to day one."

The former New York City mayor said he's not concerned about his recent slides in polls here and in Florida, where he later campaigned in the afternoon.

"On Sept. 11, I was worried," he said. "The way I approach politics, you don't worry about these things; you deal with them."

He added, "September 11th. September 11th. 9/11 9/11 9/11. Hello? Is anybody there?"

John McCain

It looks like no matter which Democratic candidate wins the nomination this year, the voters are crying out for big changes. Fortunately the few remaining "stay-the-course" Republicans still have a reasonable person to vote for: Sen. John McCain, the once-dismissed candidate who has no money and looks like he could croak at any second. Last week McCain confirmed his defiant strategy to voters, which is apparently "Fuck change! I'm just like George W. Bush, only older and wackier!" Here he is at a press conference last week:

Q: President Bush has talked about our staying in Iraq for 50 years -- " (cut off by McCain)

McCain: "Make it a hundred."

Q: "Is that ..." (cut off)

McCain: "We've been in South Korea ... we've been in Japan for 60 years. We've been in South Korea 50 years or so. That would be fine with me.

Wow, just think - if we stay in Iraq for 100 years then by the time we pull out, John McCain will be 196 years old.

But to clarify, McCain is really serious about this. Here he is talking to an anti-war voter in New Hampshire last week:

"I do not believe one U.S. soldier being killed every day is success," said Dave Tiffany, who described himself as a full-time anti-war activist. He demanded to know from McCain "how long you want us to be there."

The two went back and forth several times, with McCain insisting that what matters most is ending American casualties, not their presence in Iraq. He said he would be fine with keeping troops in Iraq for decades as long as they weren't being harmed, similar to the arrangements that exist in South Korea, Japan and other countries.

"A thousand years. A million years. Ten million years," McCain said. "It depends on the arrangement we have with the Iraqi government."

All of which goes a long way towards explaining McCain's new campaign slogan:

The Republican Party

239,000 Democrats - almost double the number of 2004 - turned out to vote in the Iowa Caucus, compared with a measly 108,000 Republicans. Not only that, but more than three times as many Independents plumped for the Democrats over the Republicans. And this in a so-called "red state" that went for George W. Bush in 2004. So what's gone wrong for the Grand Old Party? Simple: their coalition is collapsing.

To keep George W. Bush in office in 2004 Karl Rove successfully united three types of conservative: evangelical Christians, big business/establishment types, and "Security Republicans," ie. people who piss their pants at the sight of a person with brown skin. Each of these groups initially saw something they could support in George W. Bush, and the coalition held together just long enough for him to squeak into office (electoral shenanigans aside).

Rove claimed that this was a new realignment in American politics, the beginning of a generation of conservative rule, but the truth is that only George W. Bush could unite these disparate groups - his one and only success was persuading each of them to turn a blind eye to the other because they thought it would help them get ahead. Now, after eight long years of failure, incompetence, cronyism, and criminal activity, it turns out that abortion is still legal, the economy is falling apart, and the world is a more dangerous place. So who's going to pick up the GOP baton and run with it?

What a sorry bunch. And the worst thing for the Republicans is that none of these candidates seems capable of uniting the GOP coalition. Big business conservatives can't stand Huckabee's tax-raising past, evangelical Christians ain't voting for the Mormon or the thrice-married gay-loving New York abortionist, and the lock-up-yer-borders crowd only pays attention to Lou Dobbs. So who's left? John McCain, the doddering old fart who unlike the vast majority of the American people wants to keep troops in Iraq forever.

I'd say may the best man win, but I think it's a race to the bottom at this point.

Pat Robertson

Now let's move on from the field of excellent Republican candidates and focus on former GOP contender Pat Robertson. As you may be aware, the Rev. Pat is quite keen on making predictions in the new year, which are based on his private conversations with God. Unfortunately it seems that Pat has a bit of a hearing problem because they don't always come true.

But it looks like Pat has learned his lesson. He announced last week that he knows who's going to win the 2008 presidential election - but don't get too excited, because he's not going to tell you.

On Wednesday, Robertson, 77, implied that God informed him who will be elected president in November.

"He told me some things about the election, but I'm not going to say, because some old man on "60 Minutes" would make fun of me, so I'm not going to tell you who the winner's going to be," Robertson said, in apparent reference to CBS humorist Andy Rooney, who turns 89 on Jan. 14.

That's right - Pat has such confidence in the Word of the Lord that he won't tell people about it because he's scared Andy Rooney will laugh. Mind you, Pat's concern is probably well founded - after all, God also apparently told him to endorse Rudy Giuliani.

I wonder if Pat is ever going to realize that God's just fucking with him?

Bill O'Reilly (and Fox News)

Apparently the Falafel Master decided that there weren't enough election stories about him last week, so he decided to do something about it by assaulting Barack Obama's National Trip Director. According to the Chicago Sun-Times:

The incident was triggered when O'Reilly--with a Fox News crew shooting--was screaming at Obama National Trip Director Marvin Nicholson "Move" so he could get Obama's attention, according to several eyewitnesses. "O'Reilly was yelling at him, yelling at his face," a photographer shooting the scene said.

O'Reilly grabbed Nicholson's arm and shoved him, another eyewitness said. Nicholson, who is 6'8, said O'Reilly called him "low class."

"He grabbed me with both his hands here," Nicholson said, gesturing to his left arm and O'Reilly "started shoving me." Nicholson said, " He was pretty upset. He was yelling at me."

Secret Service agents who were nearby flanked O 'Reilly after he pushed Nicholson. They told O'Reilly he needed to calm down and get behind the fence-like barricade that contained the press.

Of course, Bill had a slightly different explanation of the incident. Here he is giving his live-by-phone report to Fox News anchor Brian Wilson (emphasis mine):

FALAFEL MASTER: We set up a camera to try to get a question to Senator Obama, so a big guy comes over, I guess he's about 6 foot 8 according to the press reports, and he stands right in front of the Factor camera. So I asked him, you know, fairly nicely, you're blocking our shot sir, you need to move a little bit, and the cameraman I had actually moved away from him, he moved right in front of the cameraman again, to block our shot. So I had to, um, gently remove him from that position.

(snip)

BRIAN WILSON: There are reports that there was a scuffle. Was there a scuffle?

FALAFEL MASTER: No, no scuffle at all. I just, um... removed him from in front of the camera.

BRIAN WILSON: We have heard reports that there may have been profanities uttered. Were there any profanities uttered?

FALAFEL MASTER: Um, I... I might have called him an S.O.B. That's possible. But nothing more than that.

BRIAN WILSON: And there's also a report that the Secret Service had to restrain you. Did that happen?

FALAFEL MASTER: Oh, that is absolutely ridiculous because about ten seconds after I gently removed the man from in front of our camera, I actually spoke to Barack Obama, and the Secret Service guys let me right by, and we had a nice little chat.

See? Bill didn't shove the guy at all - although he does admit, three times, to "removing" him against his will.

Apparently Fox News lawyers realized this might be a problem, because about an hour later Brian Wilson came back to the incident - which, despite O'Reilly's OWN WORDS, had now mysteriously morphed into a "verbal" confrontation.

BRIAN WILSON: I want to talk about this incident that occured earlier today, an incident between Fox's Bill O'Reilly and a Barack Obama staffer at Obama campaign... on a campaign stop. Obama staffers now say the confrontation got physical. We gave the Factor host a call in the last hour to find out what happened, O'Reilly says it was heated, but just verbal. Take a listen.

VIDEO OF MARVIN NICHOLSON: After he shoved me, and after he was done yelling at me, I just went over and I asked, "Sir, I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't shove me any more."

AUDIO CLIP OF BILL O'REILLY FROM PREVIOUS PHONE CALL: I might have called him an S.O.B. That's possible. But nothing more than that.

BRIAN WILSON: So there you have Bill O'Reilly and the first gentleman you saw was a man by the name of Marvin Nicholson who by the way is 6 foot 8 inches tall, big guy, he's considered Barack Obama's body guy, the guy that is always beside Barack Obama.

Incredible! Thanks to the magic of Fox News editing, Bill O'Reilly's triple admission that he "removed" Marvin Nicholson from his line of sight magically transformed into a confrontation that was "just verbal." Believe it or not, Wilson even had the gall to say "We report, you decide" at the end of the segment.

The Suburban Ecstasies has the scoop and the videos here.

Wendy Wright

Liberals believe that the best way to prevent teen pregnancies is to make sure that kids are well educated about sex and contraception. Conservatives believe that the best way to prevent teen pregnancies is to tell kids "just say no" and then pray that their raging hormones don't get the better of them. Not surprisingly, scientific studies have shown that the former strategy works whereas the latter strategy is a pile of crap.

But did you know that liberals don't really want to reduce teen pregnancies? Quite the opposite! Here's the president of Concerned Women for America, Wendy Wright, appearing on Fox News last week:

"In fact, they want to encourage (kids to choose to have sex) because they benefit when kids end up having sexually transmitted diseases, unintended pregnancies and then they lead them into having abortions, so you have to look at the financial motives behind those who are promoting comprehensive sex ed."

That's right folks - for us liberals it's all about getting on that teen pregnancy money train! Woohoo! And let's face it, if there's one thing we can applaud George W. Bush for, it's the increase in teen pregnancies on his watch. I know I've been getting my monthly check from the local Planned Parenthood office. Have you?

College Republicans

And finally, it seems that the College Republicans have already given up on the current crop of GOP candidates and are instead looking to "Invest in building the next generation of conservative leaders." For that they're going to need something pretty audacious - and it looks like they have just the thing! Introducing STORM, "the most audacious social mobilization technology ever attempted by a political organization."

Coming from a group that has at various times in the past offered $50 scholarships to white students in Rhode Island if they can write an essay explaining "why you are proud of your white heritage" (see Idiots 144), held a "Straight Pride Week" for oppressed straight students in Oklahoma (see Idiots 184), and played a "Catch the Illegal Immigrant" game in Idaho (see Idiots 284), I have a feeling that there are going to be quite a few College Republicans who are going to be right at the front of this STORM. If you catch my drift.

But what is STORM? Hard to say. If you visit the website you can "Experience the STORM" by entering your email address, but to be honest that doesn't sound particularly appealing. Maybe it's a typo and they meant to say "Experience the STROM."

Whatever it is, I'll say this about STORM - it's guaranteed to BLOW.

See you next week!

-- EarlG