Why Men Do Stupid Things: The Psychological Appeal of Prostitutes

[marmar]

Why Men Do Stupid Things: The Psychological Appeal of Prostitutes

By Michael Bader, AlterNet. Posted March 14, 2008.

A psychotherapist explains what might go on in the deeper recesses of the minds of men like Eliot Spitzer.




There will no doubt be a lot written about Eliot Spitzer's ethics, his hypocrisy and the damage done to his family, as well as discussions of the degradation that most prostitutes experience. He will be tarred and feathered for seeing a prostitute. And perhaps he should be, having broken vows to his wife, supporters and the citizens of New York State. As Spitzer takes his place with other politicians who have been busted for seeing a hooker, questions invariably arise: What is up with politicians screwing up their careers by visiting prostitutes? How can smart men do such incredibly dumb things? Does the attraction have something to do with power? Escape? Self-sabotage? For the moment, I want to put on my psychotherapist hat and try to explain what goes on in the deeper recesses of the minds of men like Spitzer.

The appeal of prostitutes to politicians is, in fact, identical to their appeal to "ordinary" men. On a psychological level, it doesn't matter if the women come from the Emperor's Club or a sleazy strip joint. It doesn't matter if they cost $2,500 an hour or $40. The appeal of hookers lies in the temporary psychic relief they supply to men struggling with conflicts about guilt and responsibility.

Having studied the dynamics of sexual arousal for almost 15 years, and having treated dozens of men who find prostitutes irresistible, I have found that for the overwhelming majority of them, the appeal lies in the fact that, after payment is made, the woman is experienced as completely devoted to the man -- to his pleasure, his satisfaction, his care, his happiness. The man doesn't have to please a prostitute, doesn't have to make her happy, doesn't have to worry about her emotional needs or demands. He can give or take without the burden of reciprocity. He can be entirely selfish. He can be especially aggressive or especially passive, and not only is the woman not upset, she acts aroused. He is not responsible for her in any way. She is entirely focused on him. He is the center of the world. Now, of course, these interactions are scripted. The prostitute is acting. But it doesn't matter. For men who like to go to go to prostitutes, the illusion of authenticity is enough.

If a man is compelled to use a prostitute because it makes him feel free of guilt, responsibility, and worry, then those feelings must be a special burden to him. Such men feel psychically weighed down by the belief that they're supposed to take care of women, that they have an obligation to make women happy, to please them. Such beliefs are often exaggerated and based on a belief and perception that women are high-maintenance, helpless, or disposed to be unhappy and dissatisfied. These beliefs are formed in childhood and are reinforced by our culture. They are often false, but they can inhibit such men in their sexual relationships. In real relationships, they feel that there is always a hidden quid pro quo, that they can't get much unless they give a lot, that they have to pay a high price for getting what they need. Of course, intimate relationships then suffer. .....(more)

The complete piece is at: http://www.alternet.org/sex/79635/

[Demeter]

1. Thanks For This VIP (Very Important Post)

So, the sick culture that stereotypes women cripples men--no kidding?

[willing dwarf]

2. The Psychological Appeal of Prostitutes

This is really helpful in explaining this phenomenon. I've thought that power (being the "ultimate aphrodisiac") was the whole allure, but this makes sense. And it's sad really to think that the men described here actually feel so powerless! I suppose if you grew up winning approval for being good, being responsible and taking care of everyone else, and you did it to such a degree that politics was a natural avenue to exercise public service, then you probably would need to find some arena where approval wasn't part of the equation.

[OneBlueSky]

3. according to Robin Williams, the male human body has enough blood . . .

to operate the brain and the penis -- just not at the same time . . .

[Hugabear]

4. Maybe some men just like the idea of discrete sex

As George Carlin has pointed out, sex is the only legal product or service that is illegal to exchange money for.

I simply don't understand the rationale. If a man takes a woman out for a fancy dinner and buys her some jewelry, it's perfectly acceptable - and legal - for them to have sex afterwards, even if it's their first meeting. However, if that same man just gives her the money that he would have spent on her, and has sex with her, it's suddenly illegal.

How much simpler would things be if the religious right just kept their noses out of people's private lives?

[On the Road]

15. "If a man takes a woman out for a fancy dinner...'

...and buys her some jewelry, it's perfectly acceptable.... However, if that same man just gives her the money that he would have spent on her, and has sex with her, it's suddenly illegal."

In my old taxi driving days, I talked with a call girl who used exactly that logic to justify her turning pro.

"I don't need an expensive dinner and a show. I do need the $200."

[MindPilot]

5. The nuclear family fantasy

I grew up with that. A man's sole reason for existence is to find a woman to take care of. Provide for her, support her, and give her children. Sex was the reward if you were able to make her happy enough; and happiness was usually directly proportional to the amount of money spent. The man was totally and absolutely responsible for everything and if anything was wrong, it was the man's fault. Yeah, a hooker was as an escape from all that just like a three day bender.

It took me two marriages and quite a few relationships to realize that all those things I learned in my youth were bullshit.

[Mojorabbit]

6. This line in the article is also telling

For these men, a prostitute is sought as a relationship in which the man can "let go" and freely express his most selfish desires without feeling guilty and worried about the effect of these desires on his partner.

[Triana]

9. bingo....

....I think that sentence says it all.

[Stuckinthebush]

7. Politicians are narcissists

Narcissists need validation. Prostitutes give them sexual validation.

[comtec]

8. It's not just societal pressures, but the pressures women bring to the table as well

It's not just when social expectations, but the relational expectations.
Going to a prostitute (or a friend with benefits) does free up the man. Often he's free to experiment, in things he's never do with his wife or partner (people act as if it's only straight men who do these things). There is no (overt) judgment. The man can be himself, whatever that is.
As men we are forced - even more imho than women - to put on the right mask, the right face, to act the right way. we MUST live up to xyz expectations or we are total losers, and will be shunned.
Most relationships do not have the kind of un-judging openness. I'm beyond fortunate that I have that kind of relationship with my wife.
We have our days, and fights, but we always are able to talk.
I understand the mindset that could send someone to a prostitute, or the like. It's that sense of for at least a while being able to just let go. To do what we want, to not have to care!

Now I'm sure I'll be flamed by feminists ,saying it's degrading blah blah blah.
Look there are a number of women who actually choose or enjoy this kind of work. They're good at it, and they feel... whatever about their job.

I'm not going to argue about sex slavery because I think that's pretty obvious. Anything with slavery in the name is beyond wrong, and evil.

Prostitutes perform a function that was understood in past societies, they are a pressure valve for some of these men.
Nothing we do as men is every enough it seems lately. It's never right enough, it's never proper enough, romantic enough, good enough, etc etc etc.

While it's not my thing, I can totally see the draw for at least a time being made to feel special.
men go insane trying to make their partners feel special, to make them happy.

Why does no one put any effort to making their man feel special once in a while?

men who feel appreciated, who feel they matter to their partners, that feel their love reciprocated, they have no need for hookers. They know they are special, good people. That their work is known and appreciated.

If we treated each other a little better, i think drug use, drinking, smoking, and prostitution, and actual sex crimes would drop dramatically.

[Triana]

10. How do YOU know what those women feel or enjoy?

Just asking.

And your entire post - could have been written by a woman ie: not being appreciated or ever considered 'good enough'.

Pfft!

[Butch350]

11. KISS...

The man just wanted to get laid. And the woman was willing to do things his wife wouldn't do, even if asked.

[katty]

14. yes, but perhaps he wasn't interested in having his wife do

the things he wanted--it is always possible that it is a lack of interest on both husband and wife, they both may be done with that part of their marriage-it certainly isn't uncommon.

[katty]

12. is there a thrill or addiction to paying for it?

or that doesn't really matter?

[Paranoid Pessimist]

13. Sex workers are popular, yes, but they also are targets of anger

That's why they're at risk. The male customers want to believe, as the article says, woman "is . . . completely devoted to the man -- to his pleasure, his satisfaction, his care, his happiness" but in their hearts of hearts the men know that, if it weren't for the money, the woman wouldn't give them the time of day, and that the "pleasure" the woman is supposedly experiencing is usually faked.

The anger this arouses is one of the reasons that sex workers are so often the victim of serial killer-type violence. Even high priced (I was going to say "high end") hookers know they're risking their lives every time they take on a new customer.

But sex workers are often willing to give oral sex which many wives are unwilling to do. Oral sex is the only kind of sex a man can have that doesn't cause "performance anxiety." If it ain't workin', it isn't the man's fault.

I'm still in favor of decriminalization. The women who work in the legal brothels of Nevada are for the most part more personally empowered than those in the rest of the country who have the added stress of having to dodge the law.

[vickitulsa]

16. I'll bet Michael Bader is a good therapist.

He seems to delve into the relevant psychological mechanisms among his male patients, with respect to this specific area particularly, and arrive at some sensible and very likely accurate conclusions.

Interesting, though, how much the reactions in this thread reveal. Clearly, the (sometimes quite selfishly biased) ways in which Dr. Bader's information is received -- and more importantly how it is perceived -- says a lot. Posts #5 and #8 are good examples of interpretations which suit the beholder but may not be realistic at all. Others seem to "get it."

Context is everything on something like this, and different individuals provide widely divergent personal context, as we should expect.

Strange, though -- isn't it? How humans are good at so many things but tend to find relationships with the opposite sex the most difficult of all to fathom and get right?

What amazes me most is that a lot of men (don't put on this shoe if it doesn't fit you!) seem to think they truly understand women, when they obviously do not. The reverse can be true as well, though I think women in general tend to spend a lot more time and effort trying to understand men than vice versa.

Generalizations are dangerous, of course, but we all rely on them routinely -- perhaps to our own detriment in the end. Still we should always be careful with them and be sure to make qualifications clear, as I'm trying to do.

I think it's safe to say, however, that there's definitely a fundamental "failure to communicate" which keeps men and women in far too many cases at odds with and hurting each other.

And we all suffer needlessly because of it.

Probably if we were better at observing, listening, and sharing with others who seem "foreign" to us by virtue of their radically different gender, we'd all have much better and more rewarding relationships! Could we all agree on that too?

Now, for those who feel prostitution should be a perfectly normal and accepted means in our culture for men to meet their "needs and wants," I just wonder ... how they would feel if that entire framework were reversed? If there were a trade in male prostitutes serving women, I mean, one as widespread and with all the abuse and danger, the slavery and forced prostitution, as there presently is with women in that trade now -- how would that sit with you guys?

Please think about this for a few moments. Imagine such a reality, if you can, with the logical results and implications.

If this opposite scenario were reality, and your wives or girlfriends whom you trusted were able easily to say their men didn't understand them or meet their needs so they could then pay for those selfish desires to be met by one or more from a vast pool of male whores, would anyone expect that to be "just fine" with their respective life partners?

Hmmm ... I rather doubt it!

In today's reality, a miniscule percentage of prostitutes may have very nice lives and even enjoy what they do, I am not denying that. But the fact that it's a tiny percentage in this category says it all, imo.

If you dare, please think about the vast majority of female prostitutes and what their lives must really be like: All day, every day, screwing as many random men as feasible, as many as their pimps want them to, then giving most of the money to those pimps who fully control their lives. Doing things that would turn anyone's stomach, acts which the women can only manage to perform because of drug dependency or an abiding fear of beatings -- or worse. Cleaning up their bodies repeatedly all day long from one customer to the next. Women knowing that every time they go to a private place to perform their unpleasant duties, they risk being brutalized or killed by unscreened "customers."

Think about how much of a choice most such women have about doing all this, and whether that seems perfectly normal or is a "career" you or anyone else would likely choose.

Then, if you're willing to, consider the situation if that ugly picture applied only to a vast number of men being used by women, not the other way around.


This isn't a flame of anyone, either, and I'm not calling anyone out by any means. I've never flamed anyone in my life, and I don't plan to start now. Just offering some observations and thoughts I hope might open a few eyes a little bit.

It's mighty easy to make broad pronouncements and assess a situation to suit one's personal notions and preferences but much more difficult -- and telling -- if the armchair analysts can manage to think outside themselves and their own personal biases and viewpoints.

Some do -- but most do not. Poor men! What burdens they bear! Burdens so much greater than their female counterparts. It's so unfair and unbalanced, since not nearly as much "give" is expected from women. Women don't have to spend all their time providing or caring for their men (or their children of course). Mostly, women just demand and "take," expecting to be waited on and served, seldom altering their selfish behavior to please or satisfy their men or do nice things for them. Women just don't want to make their men "feel special," do they?

Women are, after all, "in charge," giving orders to their male partners all the time, while doing whatever they want to please themselves and meet their wholly selfish desires. They always put themselves first. They don't even bother to consult their male partners about important decisions, and they fail routinely to remember their guys' birthdays or other special days! They never meet their responsibilities but dump them all on -- you guessed it -- their men! Every detail of daily life, the men have to remember and handle so things don't fall apart.

That sound like a reality you recognize?

Men "need" prostitutes because their wives are so hardhearted and won't be kinky enough for them! Most won't even happily perform oral sex -- or they expect to get it in return! How fair is THAT? :)

Gimme a break. Yeah, those female prostitutes out there walking the street, content in their wonderful "careers," really ENJOY being handcuffed to a grimy bed in a cheap hotel and subjected to whatever strange men want to do to them -- or abusing men who like that sort of perversity. These very special and understanding ladies would probably perform such thrilling acts as these even if they weren't being paid or compelled to do so! Why, the last time I bought it from a whore, I swear she thoroughly enjoyed herself. I could tell because she giggled at my jokes and obviously thought I was a great guy.

She probably would have been delighted to come home with me and do all those great things to me every day, several times a day. And I respected her for her behavior and her choice of a career, too; I didn't demean or abuse her in any way! I may have no partner right now and would have loved to have her around all the time, show her off to my family and friends. But, well, you know ...

Yeah, we know, all right. Please, get real, guys.

You might be sellin' but no one is buying BS like that -- and you ought to know it. If you do, and you admit it, then perhaps there is hope yet that you could face the facts honestly and stop trying to twist reality to suit your basest desires and miraculously at the same time leave you blameless and "pure."

Prostitution creates millions of victims -- including any children of those women who are compelled for a variety of reasons into such a "career." It's not exactly like they're going to have myriad opportunities for "advancement" in that field, is it? Would YOU want their "job"?

If the day ever comes when men actually understand what's wrong with this picture, why prostitution's very existence in a society causes grievous harm and effectively distorts relationships and therefore warps and limits an entire culture, then we might be on the brink of a whole new world that would be shockingly delightful and harmonious.

All men hear about it at some point, how damaging prostitution is to those who live it in the hardest of realities. But it seems many (if not most) men are so resistant to acknowledging the truth that they even qualify their comments with caveats to indicate they don't want to hear the other side, the critical reality side of prostitution in our midst.

Says a lot about them, doesn't it?

[many a good man]

17. I think you're all missing the "mega hottie" angle

[Skittles]

18. in other words, they may as well be fucking a robot

the sooner they can make them, the better off women will be