The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 332

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 332

Edited on Sun Apr-13-08 11:12 PM by EarlG

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 332

April 14, 2008
Are We There Yet? Edition

This week, George W. Bush (1,2) decides to wag his tiny penis at Iran, and John McCain (3,5,6) steps forward to hold the tweezers. Don't forget the key!

George W. Bush

With a little more than nine months left in office, George W. Bush must be feeling a bit glum. Nobody in Washington seems to want to talk to him any more, the press are pretending like he doesn't exist, and the American people are about ready to start egging the White House.

Worse, he's got nothing to do. It may be fun to http://journals.democraticunderground.com/top10/328">tap-dance for the press and http://journals.democraticunderground.com/top10/331">hug the Easter Bunny, but it's not exactly what you'd call real work. George can remember the good old days, the post-Sept. 11th days, when Dick would let him maneuver U.S. troops around the globe and order invasions practically on a whim. When presidentin' was hard work and he was workin' hard for the American people.

Back in 2002 it was all so easy. Dick's friends at the Pentagon had assured George that Saddam Hussein was armed with all kinds of weapons of mass destruction - but the solution was perfectly simple. Just give him a choice. Give up the WMDs, or we'll kick your ass. So on http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2002/11/20021104-5.html">November 4 2002, George told the world:

BUSH: Saddam Hussein has a choice to make: For the sake of peace, he must disarm like he said he would do. ... for the sake of world peace, if the United Nations will not act, and if Saddam Hussein will not disarm, the United States will lead a coalition of nations to disarm him.

And so for the sake of world peace we bombed the living shit out of Iraq, decapitated its leadership and disbanded its army. Now, sure, it turned out that Saddam didn't have any WMDs after all. And, yes, we'd invaded with too few troops to keep the peace, thus dooming the country to lawlessness and acts of random violence followed by guerilla attacks on U.S. troops followed by organized terrorist attacks on civilians followed by sectarian cleansing performed by religious death squads followed by the Iraqi government using its newly-trained security forces to crack down on rival Shia factions, which now leaves us in the awkward position of having the U.S. military back up an organization called the Supreme Islamic Iraqi Council in a fight where both sides are being played by Iran.

I know, it sounds bad. But you've got to think like Our Great Leader. His legacy is on the line here, and if there's one thing George has learned throughout his life - if he's had one lesson drummed into him time and time again - it's that it doesn't matter if you make a mess because eventually somebody will come along and clean up after you. Whether its the expunging of an inconvenient DUI arrest, the bailout of an oil company or a baseball team, or the fucking-up of the entire planet, Dad can probably pull a few strings and call in some favors or something.

So last week, ~~in the interests of changing the subject~~, for the sake of world peace, George gave Iran a http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2008/04/20080410-2.html">choice.

BUSH: The regime in Tehran also has a choice to make. It can live in peace with its neighbor, enjoy strong economic and cultural and religious ties. Or it can continue to arm and train and fund illegal militant groups, which are terrorizing the Iraqi people and turning them against Iran. If Iran makes the right choice, America will encourage a peaceful relationship between Iran and Iraq. Iran makes the wrong choice, America will act to protect our interests, and our troops, and our Iraqi partners.

That's right - he's got nine whole months left. Nine whole months, a cannonball-sized chip on his shoulder, and full control of the U.S. military. Hey, look over there! http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080413/en_nm/spears_dc">Britney Spears just got in a car accident!

George W. Bush

In 2006, most people could agree that the war in Iraq was sucking - especially the Republicans who lost their majorities in the House and Senate because of it.

But then, oh praise be! George W. Bush's Manly Surge arrived in all its glory, and suddenly all is well in Iraq again. Last week Gen. David Gimme All Your Lovin' Petraeus and U.S. ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker testified to Congress that the going is tough but things are getting better - and they had the charts to prove it:

But don't get too excited. You see, despite what http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/09/10/iraq.petraeus/index.html">happened in September of last year:

Petraeus: Troop withdrawals by year's end

The 30,000 additional troops deployed to Iraq in January could come home by next July, but further American withdrawals would be "premature," the U.S. commander there told a fractious congressional hearing Monday.

...we http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2008/04/11/bush_orders_halt_to_troop_withdrawals/">can't actually pull the troops out.

Bush orders halt to troop withdrawals

President Bush yesterday ordered a suspension of further troop withdrawals from Iraq and said he would not review the decision until September, in the midst of the presidential general-election campaign, all but ensuring that any decision on major cutbacks would be made by his successor.

Bush's order would end withdrawals in July, when there will be about 140,000 troops in Iraq - 10,000 more than before the surge began last year.

So there you have it. We sent in extra troops so we could win the war and bring them all home, but the extra troops are doing such a good job we're going to have to keep them there for a bit longer. That's it. Bush is the Decider and that's his Decision. Course set. There's http://abcnews.go.com/WN/Politics/story?id=4633561&page=1">no turning back now.

Bush Says Petraeus' Timeline for Troop Drawdown Not Open-Ended

President Bush today dialed back on what appeared to be an open-ended time frame for Gen. David Petraeus, the commander of multinational forces in Iraq, to assess troop needs once the surge is complete at the end of July.

"Sometimes people read what they want to in the president's words," Bush said in an exclusive interview with ABC's senior White House correspondent Martha Raddatz.

Yeah, it's like they've even given up pretending to have a clue.

John McCain

George W. Bush isn't the only one seeing Iraq with "success" written all over it - http://edition.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/04/08/iraq.candidates/">step forward John McSame, the guy who's supposed to be super-experienced but somehow hasn't yet realized that the Pro-War Express is on a non-stop one-way trip to Losertown.

Sen. John McCain, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, said that success in Iraq was "within reach" at the beginning of the high-profile hearing on Iraq involving Gen. David Petraeus, the top U.S. general in Iraq, and Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker, the top American diplomat in Baghdad.

Success is "within reach!" Oh yes, McCain can sense it, taste it, almost grasp it in his withered and arthritic fingers.

Now some might say, "Hold on a minute. Haven't I just read that 'http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/iraq/2008-04-09-sadr_N.htm">violence swells' in Iraq and more than 20 U.S. troops have been http://icasualties.org/oif/">killed this month already?"

Those people might then go on to say, "Furthermore, haven't I also just read that Iraq Sudy Group experts have http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/04/05/AR2008040502119.html?hpid=topnews">concluded that 'political progress is so slow, halting and superficial and political fragmentation so pronounced that the United States is no closer to being able to leave Iraq than it was a year ago,' and that 'The new report predicts that lasting political development could take five to 10 years of full, unconditional commitment to Iraq, but also cautions that future progress may not be worth the massive human and financial costs to the United States.'?"

But pay no attention to them. You see, just because starting a pre-emptive war turned out to be a really bad idea, don't expect John McCain to rule out the possibility of http://weblogs.chicagotribune.com/news/politics/blog/2008/04/mccain_not_ruling_out_preempti.html">trying it again.

Sen. John McCain, facing criticism from Democratic opponents that his election as president represents a third term for President Bush, said today that he could not rule out a pre-emptive military strike against enemies such as the one that Bush launched against Iraq.

Well I guess they don't call him Senator Crazylegs McBatshitinsane for nothing.

Joe Lieberman and Lindsay Graham

Of course, wherever McCain goes, you know these two aren't far behind - http://online.wsj.com/article/SB120752308688293493.html?mod=opinion_main_commentaries">check out Sens. Lindsey Graham and Joe Lieberman in the Wall Street Journal last week:

Gen. Petraeus returns to Washington having led one of the most remarkably successful military operations in American history. His antiwar critics, meanwhile, face a crisis of credibility - having confidently predicted the failure of the surge, and been proven decidedly wrong.

(snip)

No one can deny the dramatic improvement in security in Iraq achieved by Gen. Petraeus, the brave troops under his command, and the Iraqi security forces.

Now, I know what you're thinking - didn't Lieberman and Graham only cite statistics through February 2008, conveniently leaving out the stats for March which showed a marked deterioration in the security situation in Iraq? Well http://thinkprogress.org/2008/04/07/graham-lieberman-iraq-credibility/">yes, but, er, that doesn't mean they shouldn't be trusted.

John McCain and David Bellavia

Oh those crazy campaign surrogates, whatever will they say next? Let's meet David Bellavia, Republican candidate for Congress this year, as he http://blog.washingtonpost.com/sleuth/2008/04/democrats_repudiate_mccain_sur.html">introduces John McCain at a recent campaign event...

David Bellavia, who is running for the open seat being vacated by retiring Rep. Tom Reynolds (R-N.Y.), gave a short but oddly rambling and disjointed speech, closing with: "You can have your Tiger Woods, we've got John McCain."

McCain, who was on stage when Bellavia made the comment, hugged the candidate before taking the podium.

John McCain

A few more McCain items of note: On April 1, AFP http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=080401154545.9vriwmcs&show_article=1">noted that John McCain had "struck away from the political legacy of President George W. Bush, as he sought to plot an obstacle-strewn course back to the White House for the Republicans."

April Fool!

The next day, April 2, McCain appeared on Mike Gallagher's wingnut talk radio show and http://thinkprogress.org/2008/04/02/mccain-no-one-has-supported-president-bush-on-iraq-more-than-i-have/">said:

McSame: No-one has supported President Bush on Iraq more than I have.

Meanwhile, Think Progress http://thinkprogress.org/2008/04/07/mccain-against-va-funding/">reported that McCain gave a speech to the VFW in Kansas City last week, where he said:

McShame: As President, I will do everything in my power to ensure that those who serve today and those who have served in the past have access to the highest quality health, mental health and rehabilitative care in the world. The disgrace of Walter Reed must not be forgotten. … Whatever our commitments to veterans cost, we will keep them, as you have kept every commitment to us. The honor of a great nation is at stake.

Think Progress goes on to point out that McCain:

- Voted AGAINST an amendment providing $20 billion to the VA's medical facilities. (5/4/06)

- Voted AGAINST providing $430 million to the VA for outpatient care "and treatment for veterans," one of only 13 senators to do so. (4/26/06)

- Voted AGAINST increasing VA funding by $1.5 billion by closing corporate loopholes. (3/14/06)

- Voted AGAINST increasing VA funding by $1.8 billion by ending "abusive tax loopholes." (3/10/04)

- Voted AGAINST a $650 million increase in veterans' medical care funding. (8/1/01)

Touché.

The State Department

Back in Septemer last year, Iraqi Prime Minster al-Maliki demanded that the U.S. "replace private security operator Blackwater, after a deadly shootout involving the firm's guards in Baghdad,"
http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5gAB8am9XX14L5HGNw7tgsPBQ-rCA">according to AFP.

Maliki's call came as US and Iraqi officials agreed to set up a joint commission of inquiry to examine the security of US government-affiliated civilians in Iraq.

The commission, according to Iraqi government spokesman Ali al-Dabbagh, is part of efforts to defuse a crisis sparked when Blackwater guards escorting US embassy officials opened fire in a Baghdad neighbourhood on Sunday, killing 10 people and wounding 13.

(snip)

"This is a big crime and the seventh such crime committed by this company and which has been registered by the interior ministry," Maliki said.

The Iraqi government http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blackwater_Baghdad_shootings">subsequently revoked Blackwater's license to operate in Iraq, and the FBI later determined that at least 14 of the 17 Iraqis were killed without cause (according to the FBI, the other three killings were "possibly" justified.)

Therefore you probably won't be surprised to learn that http://www.commondreams.org/archive/2008/04/05/8109/">last week:

Iraqis expressed anger on Saturday at news the United States had renewed the contract of Blackwater, a private security firm blamed for killing up to 17 people in a shooting incident last year.

(snip)

The FBI is investigating whether Blackwater employees broke the law during the shooting last September when Blackwater staff, apparently believing they were under attack, fired into cars in heavy traffic, killing civilians.

In spite of the criminal probe, the State Department announced on Friday the firm's contract to protect U.S. personnel in Baghdad would be renewed.

Buddy Johnson

You know, sometimes these things just http://www.tampabay.com/news/politics/local/article452082.ece">write themselves.

TAMPA - Elections Supervisor Buddy Johnson, whose duties include overseeing campaign finance reports, submitted a campaign filing of his own Thursday that included two illegal $500 contributions.

Oops. Johnson later told the St. Petersburg Times, "You are correct. Checks are being written and are being mailed back. It was just an oversight."

Of course it was. Now let's look at some other highlights from the article:

In his call to the Times, Johnson also reacted for the first time to the newspaper's story published on TBT.com Wednesday about his failure to pay more than $11,000 in delinquent taxes on two properties he owns and two he sold last year.

Records show Johnson did not pay the property tax bills in 2005 and 2006 for the home he built at 2815 Cherry Tree Lane in Plant City or for the adjoining lot...

(snip)

Hillsborough Tax Collector Doug Belden then discovered an error in the amount collected and notified Johnson in a Sept. 10, 2007, letter that he owed more than $2,052 in "unpaid delinquent taxes."

Johnson never responded to that letter or to a followup letter mailed April 4, Belden's records show.

(snip)

Johnson, who was paid $132,128 as elections chief last year, has not yet paid a $1,682 tax bill on 19.98 acres and a small home off Thonotosassa Road...

(snip)

Johnson says the 12 cows now grazing on his property constitute a bona fide agricultural use...

(snip)

Johnson is also delinquent paying a $7,338 tax bill on a 13th-floor luxury penthouse at the Rivo at Ringling condos in downtown Sarasota...

Okay, okay, I get the picture. The guy's a bum.

Bob Dumas and Chris Baker

Now let's take a peek into the wacky world of small-time conservative talk radio, where the Hannity wannabes (Hannibees?) get together to discuss the pressing issues of the day, such as what happened to Saddam's vast WMD stockpiles, or the brutal murder of Vince Foster. Yes, there's always fun and laughs to be had when you're listening to radio made for wingnuts by wingnuts.

First up say hello to Bob Dumas and the entire "Bob and the Showgram" morning crew, who were http://www.fayobserver.com/article?id=290517">in the news last week after Mr. Dumbass made some rather unfortunate comments about native Americans.

"This is the God's honest truth," Dumas said on the air. "You can look at the statistics - Indians are lazy."

The on-air exchange began when a white intern at the station - Chelsea Pryor, who has attended the University of North Carolina at Pembroke - told Dumas and his co-hosts that she was marrying a Lumbee.

"Hey, white girl. After you get married, are you going to have a teepee-warming party?" someone quipped. "I could give you a pelt or something."

Meanwhile, Minnesota newcomer Chris Baker was http://www.minnesotamonitor.com/showDiary.do;jsessionid=90C4435C5FE063BDD37418F79CED2FDD?diaryId=3632">shaking things up on KLTK last week with his thoughts on crowd control at this year's Republican National Convention...

Baker continued: "So we've been talking about police protection during the upcoming convention when all those stinky protesters are coming. There seems to be a big debate over whether or not police officers will be able to wear helmets, carry shields, use pepper spray and Tasers on this crowd. You know, I'll tell you what works on a crowd like this -- a machine gun, that always works very well."

Baker's co-host, "Jordan," agreed: "Mow 'em down, baby!" he added.

Great stuff you guys. Keep up the good work and one of you could be the next Bill O'Reilly for sure.

Bill O'Reilly

And finally, who would not want to be Bill O'Reilly? The guy has everything - money, power, falafel - and now you can add an Emmy award to his gleaming pile of triumphs. That's right, Bill O'Reilly has won an Emmy. (Or rather, another Emmy - according to his http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,155,00.html">Fox News bio, "He received an Emmy Award for his report on sky-jacking at KMGH-TV in Denver.")

But there's a problem. Bill's, ahem, local Emmy is due to be awarded in Boston on May 10, and some residents of Boston http://www.mediabistro.com/tvnewser/fnc/protesting_an_oreilly_emmy_82192.asp?c=rss">aren't pleased. Take local cable TV host Barry Nolan, who said last week, "I am appalled, just appalled. He inflates and constantly mangles the truth...and his frequent target is the 'left-leaning' media - the ones who do report the news fairly. And those are the same people who will be sitting in the room honoring him."

But apparently the words of local cable TV hosts don't go very far these days, because:

Despite the protestations, local Emmy chief Tim Egan says O'Reilly will be honored. "You may not agree with him, but you can't say he hasn't increased the political conversation in this country with his style of broadcasting," says Egan.

Hmm, nice backhanded compliment. One wonders whether local Emmy chief Tim Egan has thought this through properly.

Anyway, despite not having the clout to influence the head of the local Emmys, Barry Nolan has found another way to cause trouble...

Nolan claims he will still attend the May 10 ceremony and, since his wife is out of town, he's invited Keith Olbermann, as his date.

Should be entertaining. See you next week!

-- EarlG