The Adventures of T. Boone Pickens, Episode 8

[TygrBright]

Using the production of "real writing stuff" as an excuse to escape the Bingo game, the Collective provides the following:

The Adventures of T. Boone Pickens

Episode 8

by ThShifties

Legendary billionaire T. Boone Pickens is in one of his offices receiving callers who want to petition support for their projects. At the head of the line is former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. He arrives looking especially humble.


Former Speaker Gingrich: First off, Mr. Pickens, I just want to say that it’s a privilege to make your acquaintance. Should I call you Boone?

T. Boone Pickens: If you’re here for money, I’d suggest ‘Mr. Pickens, Sir’.

Gingrich: Hah-hah. Good one. However by coincidence I have come to present you with an opportunity to contribute to a terrific project I’m personally involved with. It’s called “American Solutions for Winning the Future.” A.S.W.F for short.

Pickens: Isn’t that pronounced “Asswhiff”?

Gingrich: I confess it never occurred to me.

Pickens: It will to every sixth grader, I guarantee it. I thought you was supposed to be smart. A college professor or something.

Gingrich: proudly I taught at the University of West Georgia.

Pickens: Okay, then, I guess I heard wrong. Let’s get to the money, okay? What is it you want me to buy?

Gingrich: A big chunk of America’s future.

Pickens: Buddy, I already own it. You need to be more specific.

Gingrich: Well, our signature program is ‘Drill Here, Drill Now, Pay Less’.

Pickens: I admit that’s catchy.

Gingrich: We’ve already got more than a million signatures.

Pickens: That’s because you tacked ‘Pay Less’ on the end. Look, drillin’ ain’t gonna affect the price at the pump. Well, maybe just a little. Say, as much as your daily horoscope.

Gingrich: Members of the oil community told me different.

Pickens: Try talkin’ to the honest ones. Forget it, they’re in hidin’.

By the way, I been meanin’ to ask you-- how come you didn’t run for President this time around?

Gingrich: I believed in my heart that the Lord meant me to serve my country as an advocate for freedom, and for the Christian values that made us great.

Pickens: Really? I heard Larry Flynt was gonna out you for bangin’ broads.

Gingrich: That’s not fair. I married the last one.

Pickens: Look, Nyoot…

Gingrich: It’s pronounced ‘Noot’.

Pickens: Old son, there’s those of us that’s lucky enough to fuck up and get one more chance. And there’s those of us that was so mean and so petty and such ornery, hard-hearted pissants the first time around, that we already earned ourselves a deluxe Skybox in Hell. The one with the cash bar and the big-screen TV.

Yours is on the fifty yard line. You share it with Teddy Stevens.

Gingrich: amazed and hurt Does that mean you’re not giving me money?

Pickens: Surprised ya, didn’t I?

Gingrich: Well, then, fuck you with a spatula, you crumpled up son of a three dollar whore.

Stomps from room.

Pickens: Now that’s the Nyoot I remember.

More Episodes:

Episode 1: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=370148&mesg_id=370148

Episode 2: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=372406&mesg_id=372406

Episode 3: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=372824&mesg_id=372824

Episode 4: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=373182&mesg_id=373182

Episode 5: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=373183&mesg_id=373183

Episode 6: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=373339&mesg_id=373339

Episode 7: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=374156&mesg_id=374156