The Adventures of T. Boone Pickens, Episode 14

[TygrBright]

The Adventures of T. Boone Pickens

Episode 14

by ThShifties

An early-morning campaign strategy meeting at McCain headquarters, Karl Rove disciple Steve “Bullet Head” Schmidt presiding. The Senator is in another room watching the Olympics.

Steve Schmidt: What about this situation in South Ossetia?

Aide: Looks like it’s beginning to de-escalate a little.

Schmidt: Can’t we do something to perk it back up? War would really help us. Even if we’re not directly involved. Just the suggestion of war is something we could play off.

Second Aide: Maybe the President could designate it an Axis of Evil.

Schmidt: Old news. Nobody cares what the President thinks. Other ideas?

First Aide: I got it. We could accidentally discover some yellow-cake uranium. Wait a minute – which side should look bad? Russians or Georgians?

Schmidt: Good question. Get me some detail by two this afternoon. Like, where is Georgia? Who runs it? By the way, do we like the Russian president?

Third aide: Putin? We used to. I’m not sure any more.

Schmidt: Who’s a famous bad boy we could compare him to?

Third aide: I’m Googling. Okay, looks like Lenin, Stalin, Ivan the Terrible. Vlad the Impaler – no, I take that back, he was Romanian.

Schmidt: Let’s go with Stalin. Blame Putin for everything, then the Senator can come out strongly against him. Thinks Not bad, but what we really need is something dramatic. Like we need to invade somebody or something.

First aide: What’s wrong with Iraq?

Schmidt: It isn’t new, that what’s wrong with it. What would really change the world balance of power? Think big, people.

Second aide: I have an idea, but I’m not sure you’re going to like it.

Schmidt: Why wouldn’t I like it?

Second aide: It’s pretty radical.

Schmidt: I’m okay with radical. Long as McCain looks good.

Second aide: Okay, here goes. We’ve got that chronic problem in the Middle East, right? Israelis and Arabs. Nobody is going to solve that. And we’ve got another thorn in our side with Cuba. Not quite so hot, but still, we don’t like them, and they don’t like us.

Schmidt: Gotcha. So what’s the answer?

Second aide: The Senator proposes we join with the Israelis to seize Cuba.

Third aide: puzzled Is Cuba big enough to hold all the Israelis?

Second aide: It’s five times the size of Israel. And better still, they only have 11 million people in Cuba. Plenty of room for 7 million Jews.

Schmidt: Won’t the people who are already there hate them?

Second aide: Like they aren’t used to that?

Schmidt: Good point. What’s the upside?

Second aide: Huge. One, you make the Arabs really happy. That translates to more oil for less money. Two, you get a loyal ally right off your coast, instead of some banana dictatorship. Besides, don’t most Israelis have relatives in Miami Beach? You could carry Florida. Plus I’m told Jews prefer a moister climate.

Schmidt: considering Just kick Fidel off the island.

Third aide: Fidel’s already gone. It’s his brother.

Schmidt: The legal boys have any problem justifying invasion of a sovereign nation?

Second aide: After Iraq? You must be kidding. Castro is a dictator. Right? He restricts freedom, right? He’s hostile to us. It’s just like Saddam. Invasion is OK.

Look, if McCain gets elected, it’s legal. If he doesn’t, who cares? It’s only a campaign promise.

Schmidt: Get me a brief, no more than two pages double-spaced, remember it’s the Candidate who’ll be reading it. Words of three syllables or less. Play up the benefits, play down the risks. We can go with it tomorrow morning. That’ll leave Obama speechless.

The base will absolutely love this one.


More Episodes:

Episode 1: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=370148&mesg_id=370148

Episode 2: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=372406&mesg_id=372406

Episode 3: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=372824&mesg_id=372824

Episode 4: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=373182&mesg_id=373182

Episode 5: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=373183&mesg_id=373183

Episode 6: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=373339&mesg_id=373339

Episode 7: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=374156&mesg_id=374156

Episode 8: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=374157&mesg_id=374157

Episode 9: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=374158&mesg_id=374158

Episode 10: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=374981&mesg_id=374981

Episode 11: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=374989&mesg_id=374989

Episode 12: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=375331&mesg_id=375331

Episode 13: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=103&topic_id=375513&mesg_id=375513