Episode 2: T Boone Makes a Pitch

[ThShifties]

T. Boone Pickens, legendary billionaire, is meeting with a group of other billionaires as part of his campaign to promote his own alternative energy projects. Pickens has just finished a professionally produced presentation about investment opportunities.

T. Boone Pickens: So in the future, that’s what the name Pickens will be about – the future. Innovation in energy. Safe, efficient, and affordable power. America’s future generations.

Billionaire #1: Wow, Boone. You sound like you really mean that.

Pickens: Do I? I must still be drunk.

All laugh.

Pickens: Honest, the PR girls say it don’t sound good if I just out-and-out admit it’s about the cash.

Billionaire #2: Here’s what vexes me. You admit your own self that this wind farm horseshit don’t have a chance in hell of turnin’ a profit for at least another decade. Then why on God’s green earth would bidnessmen like us put money in it?

Pickens: (with a sad shake of his head) Gerald, you misunderestimate my purposity here. In the first place, it ain’t the goddam wind that makes the money – it’s the giveaways from the goddam government. Them Democrats is gonna be spewin’ cash and tax breaks and incentives at anything that’s even got the word ‘green’ in it.

You know nobody is more fond of green than I am. Greenbacks, I mean. .

Audience chuckles appreciatively.

Billionaire #3: Boone, you think ol’ Phil Gramm has a point about this recession bein’ in people’s heads?

Pickens: Arlo, the only mental recession I can see is the inside of Phil Gramm’s thick skull. That bonehead taught school at A&M, and them’s the rockheads that threw T. Boone out on his ass, motivatoratin’ my transfer to Oklahoma State University and the long-term future of the Cowboys Athletics Department.

All laugh.

Look, you boys know as well as I do that it don’t make a cunt hair worth of difference whether the country’s in a recession. A good thief – you’ve heard me say this before -- will always find a way to make money.

All: Hear, hear!!

Billionaire #1: If you’re gonna get all that money from the government, what you need us for?

Pickens: Well, we like to say that the only people in Washington dumber than the Democrats is the Republicans. Them neocons prefer a sniff of private investment in their pork projects. And believe me, this one is prime mushu.

More laughter.

Pickens: Well, boys, I gotta run. Let me leave you with this thought. It may look like a wind farm, and sound like a wind farm. Hell, it may smell like a wind farm. Eventually it may even produce a little power. But if T. Boone Pickens is involved, you can be damn sure it’s gonna produce cash. And plenty of it.

It’s a cash farm. That’s the green part.

All stand and cheer.Pickens exits accompanied by his assistant.

Pickens: Gimme that towel, willya?

Pickens wipes sweat from his face and neck.

Pickens: Good thing these mothers ain’t getting any smarter. I’d be in serious trouble.

Barks at his assistant.

Pickens: Now we need to get the price of oil up another ten dollars per. Put some more wind up Congress’ ass. Just make sure it’s blowin’ ol’ Pickens’ way.

Assistant: Right away, Mr. Pickens sir!!