Your News For Real: Headlines We'd Love to See in 2009

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Your News For Real: Headlines We'd Love to See in 2009

by Stephen Pizzo | January 5, 2009


Former President George W. Bush arrested for DUI

Dallas, Texas: Just three months after leaving the White House and relocating to a posh Dallas neighborhood, former President George W. Bush was picked up yesterday by Dallas police. Bush was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol. According to the arresting officers Bush was spotted driving 89 miles an hour through a school zone at 3:10 PM yesterday.

When asked why he was driving so fast Bush responded, according to officers, "I'm in hurry. Want a pretzel?"



Bush failed a field sobriety test and was immediately placed under arrest. Witnesses told reporters that, as he was being led to the police car Bush demanded he be allowed to call his father.

A spokesperson for former president George W. Bush said, "history will show that he was not drunk."

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Former V.P. Arrested, Charged with Domestic Abuse

Jackson Hole, Wyoming: Local police were called to the residence of former Vice President Dick Cheney yesterday after an abuse complaint was filed by the Cheney's grounds keeper.

According to the arrest report the gardener claimed Cheney restrained him with landscaping twine and forced a garden hose into his mouth. "He held me down and put the hose in my mouth and turned it on," the gardener alleged. "The whole time he kept yelling, 'So you think this is torture, huh, huh, do you, well, do you?'



A spokesperson for the Cheney's described the charge as "ridiculous," asserting that Mr. Cheney was simply showing the gardener "a trick involving the use of water" and that whole thing "was entirely innocent since it did not cause permanent harm to the gardener."

The Cheney spokesperson went on to describe the family's longtime gardener as "suspiciously ungrateful for all the things Lynne and Dick have done for him and his family, noting they could have had him and his family deported back to Mexico long ago, but didn't.

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