Many Women Don't Have Kids -- Get Over It

[marmar]

via AlterNet:



RH Reality Check / By Elizabeth Gregory

Many Women Don't Have Kids -- Get Over It
Many women are happy without kids. They'd be even more happy if they weren’t being reminded all the time of how unhappy they should be.

February 10, 2010 |


If you’re a teenager, you’re pushed toward motherhood by “moralizers” bent on denying you information about, and access to, birth control. If you’re a women 35 and older, you’ve been subject to a decade of news stories set to the ominous sound of a ticking clock and bent on creating fertility anxiety—if you wait, you’ll be too late. And lately the anxiety peddlers have been expanding their targeted danger zone to include women in their late 20s and early 30s. Women lose 90 per cent of 'eggs' by 30,” ABC news and others informed us recently, and the message was more of the same: get busy!

We have abstinence-only ed to thank for the recent upswing in the teen birth rate, a job assisted by the glamorization of teen moms in the media and of babies, babies, babies in the tabloids and the reality TV shows. Of course the glamour fades fast, and teen moms face big problems such as plummeting high school graduation rates for the moms and, later, for their kids, a higher likelihood of poverty and less hope of a long-term relationship with or support from dad. Those are personal problems for the girls and their families, but they’re also national problems as our hope for a globally competitive, educated work force goes south. Education reform not linked to real birth control information doesn’t just leave kids behind, it actively sets them and all of us back.

And sure, older women need to know that fertility declines with age. But what are the actual fertility rates of women in each age range? And why is it that increasing numbers of women choose to delay in the first place? What is lost when they don’t? Instead of facts and understanding of the causes and effects of delay, we get a lot of sentimentality aimed at getting you to start your family now. ...........(more)

The complete piece is at: http://www.alternet.org/sex/145638/many_women_don%27t_have_kids_--_get_over_it

[bluestateguy]

1. And many men choose not to participate too

I know I don't want to have kids unless I make a shitload of money and don't have to worry about providing for them. If not, then oh well, no kids for me, and that's fine too.

[queenjane]

2. I must've been luckier than most childfree women

I never got that kind of pressure. I always knew I didn't want kids. Didn't like kids--even when I WAS a kid. Made sure I never had any. Lost a few men whom I loved because they wanted children (or already had children), and I didn't want a life with kids. Do I miss these men? Sometimes I do. But I made the right decision for myself. Even my mother has never said a word.

No one ever asks me if I regret not having children. What has surprised me is how many mothers, through the years, have confided, sotto voce, that if they had a do-over, they wouldn't have children. They express envy of my life. Of course they won't express this to others, lest they be thought monsters, but that's how they feel. How many had children because of family and societal pressure? I know so many women who got pregnant after tubal ligation, were shocked, miserable, angry--but gave birth because it was unthinkable not to.

Women are still considered breeding stock, not just in third world fundamentalistic societies, but often in our own society. With the resurgence of religious fanaticism even in the West, I don't see this changing. Women who just don't want kids have to stand strong against the tsunami of pressure.

[marmar]

3. I know more than a few people who have children....and got married...because of pressure....

..... and are completely miserable, and have to put on this facade all the time.

[Blue_Tires]

9. so did i...

knew a few friends and relatives who got into shotgun weddings while in their teens or early 20s...with the predicted results

[yesphan]

7. Kudos

Kudos to you Queenjane !

[BlancheSplanchnik]

15. Same here....and I've met many women who confide the same dark secret:

Babies are forever, and it ain't no fun.

Makes me so sad to hear so many women sadly admit how miserable they are, how they derailed a career that excited them, or whatever the individual story. They usually have awful guilt about even feeling that way, that they deserve punishment for desiring a life of their own.

Frankly, I can't imagine a worse thing to do to yourself. Thank dog I knew as a child that I had no interest in babies. They actually kind of disgust me, and the brainless chatter and total self-centeredness would drive me out a 10th story window!

The social messages regarding babies and motherhood are romanticized to ridiculous degrees. The taboo against questioning the myth is so strong that realistic messages are completely missing from general conceptions of babeez and motherhood. This level of sacrosanct foolishness does everyone a huge disservice. Tthe women and girls who suck up the story of excitement, fulfillment, attention, especially when they're young and likely don't have a strong sense of who they are and what they want in life are ripe for the deception.

It's a fairy story of endless happy bliss, not unlike the lies that many guys use to con girls into giving it up. It always seemed more like a life sentence to me, though.

[Berry Cool]

4. What I love is these smug women in their late 20s who are writing articles advocating early marriage

They are saying "Our poor older sisters--they were sold a bill of goods! They were told to focus on their educations and careers first, and that they could worry about getting married and having children later. So they did--and then they found out that when they wanted to have children at 30 and 35 and 40, THEY COULDN'T!! At least not without lots of expensive artificial help! I was smart--I decided that in my early 20s, I'd make meeting Mr. Right, marrying him and having his babies my FIRST priority. Then, after I was done raising the kids (I'm 28 and I have five!!!!), I could always go back to school or start a business or whatever I wanted while my husband pays the bills! You can do that at ANY age...but YOU CAN'T ALWAYS HAVE BABIES!!"

These smugass women never explain what a woman's supposed to do if she doesn't find Mr. Right at 21. Or what she's supposed to do if she finds Mr. Right, marries him, has his kids, but then just when the last one is ready for school, he dumps her on her ass and leaves her with no education or way of earning a living. Or he dies. Or becomes disabled. Whatever. They just keep telling their fellow 20somethings to put education and career on the back burner, because the time to make babies is NOW.

[Zoeisright]

6. Yeah, and just try going back to school and getting a job in THIS economy.

And the older you get, the harder it is to get hired. I'm sure all of those stupid women who are having kids early are going to be whining in 5-10 years because their careers aren't going anywhere.

[AnneD]

18. Women should be allowed choices.....

My mom wanted to have 4 children when she was young so she could grow up with them. I think she was very mature for her age and did the job well. I am glad she did because now at 55, I count my blessings that I have had my mother's companionship and wise council throughout my life.

I did not want kids for most of my life-but changed my mind as I got older and felt up to the task. I had a daughter and am forever grateful that I had that experience. It is the closest bond you can have and I am blessed to have both my Mom and my daughter alive. That was the choice I was allowed to make.

My daughter says she doesn't want kids and time will tell. I think she is way too young at 19, even though I think she would be able to handle it. I tell her that it is her choice but when she asks, I tell her that I was glad I had her and that she might want to keep the option in mind because there comes a point when you don't have that option available any more. But what ever she decides...it should be HER CHOICE.

Our society, for all push for families and family values, is a very family unfriendly, female unfriendly place. The double standards are hypocritical at best and suffocating at worst. The best I can do is support my daughter in her choices.

[Goldstein1984]

5. It goes without saying...

That each person should be free to choose whether or not they have children. I know people who, for whatever reason(s), clearly shouldn't be around children, for both their sake and the sake of the children. And I know people who have chosen not to have children, or who are unable to have children, who love being around them on a part time basis. Each person should make their own choice.

Frankly, in world with 6.6 billion people, I wish people who decide to have children would limit the number to two, and that more people would decide not to have children at all.

All that said, our choice was to have children when we were young. I was still in college, and our children did without a lot of material things. Buth each of them has thanked us for "being young with them." My son had an easy time of Army Basic training, and the other recruits were surprised that he was in shape because he and his dad considered a 26-mile hike with a 25-pound pack done in 10 hours fun.

Now we have three grandchildren, and we two of them almost daily. Last night, just as I was leaving my office, the phone rang. It was my daughter, telling me that my 3-year-old granddaughter had a 103.6 fever, and asking me if I could take my grandson home while she took her to the doctor. My grandson likes me to draw pictures for him to watercolor, so we did that for a few hours. When our daughter and granddaughter joined us, it was time for a bedtime story from a book that my granddaughter picked out during one of her many trips to the "funnest place in the world"--the bookstore, with "Papa."

I respect that many people choose not to have children, or even choose to avoid them, but I can't imagine life without them.

Where life is concerned: Cada uno tiene su modo de matar pulgas.

My only regret about having children is the world we are leaving them.

[Blue_Tires]

8. k+r

and i'm trying to actually FIND some of them!!

[kleec]

10. I agree!

I am one of those who was in the era where women got married, had kids, didn't work out of the home, etc., etc. Although I love my children and grandchildren, if I had it to do over, I would not have children. I know several young women who have chosen not to have children, they know it wouldn't work for them and do not care what other people think of their very personal decision. That, to me, is a wise choice especially with the way things are not progressing in our country. To those who do want kids, great. It's when the one's who do not are put down, ridiculed, called selfish etc. that needs to stop. Everyone has the right to choose, at least for now anyway.

[Skittles]

11. I was never pressured

because I flat-out told 'em it was none of their fucking business - period; END OF STORY

[azul]

12. women and knowledge and population

Just heard Jane Goodall on NPR Science Friday for a short while, and she was saying that the number of children is a function of education in women.

But TACARE works to spread awareness of the fact that raising the social and economic status of women through education benefits entire communities. Not only is there a potential for greater earning, but an increase in women’s education levels correlates to lower birth rates, which means women are better able to provide their families with health care, education and other basics.

http://www.janegoodall.org/media/news/jgi-girls-scholarship

[county worker]

13. My wife and I don't have kids by choice.

The funniest thing said to me was, "well what about your wife's parents?" My reply was "they are still young enough to have more kids if the want"

[Fire1]

14. I would imagine there are many regrets as one gets older. n/t

[Chef Eric]

20. Why are you concerned with lifestyle choices that other people are making? It doesn't affect you. nt

[bkozumplik]

16. have em or dont have em

yes, its a personal choice, and you dont have to do anything in life. But I think it can be rewarding to have them.
That being said, its best for some people not to.
Its pretty simple.

[TexasObserver]

17. People who don't want kids should not have them.

I applaud any adult who chooses not to have kids, because it is terrible for kids to have parents who don't want them. If a person doesn't want children, not having them is the responsible choice.

[a la izquierda]

19. i'm a 32 year old grad student....and i have no kids.

my husband is 36. we vacillate about having kids on what seems to be a weekly basis. i like having my freedom to do what i please on the weekend, with the only caveat being that someone must come home after about 5 hours to let the dogs out. travel is a heck of a lot easier too. i don't think i want to give that up (i spend part of the year in mexico, so logistically, having kids could be a nightmare).
i don't begrudge anyone for having kids. but until i'm done with school, none for me thanks. i couldn't deal with that added stress.