Why Are Young People Moving Back in With Their Parents?

[marmar]

from Psychotherapy Networker, via AlterNet:



....(snip)....

...... about 25 million young adults between between 18 and 34 are currently residing with their parents, and 65 percent of college grads move home for a year or two. It's the new family paradigm of bungee families: young adults and their boomer parents, mutually attached and living together for a while longer.

Just a generation ago, the child-rearing contract was clearly designed to last for about 18 years. Most families then, like my own, seemed pleased with a planned adolescent departure date. Kids didn't want to live at home, and after all the protesting and rebelling we'd put our parents through, they were usually relieved to see us go. By the time we'd finished high school, it was more than reasonable for our parents to assume that we'd move out and one way or another (through a job, going to college, getting married) start to stand on our own two unsubsidized feet. Most of us lived up to these expectations, not giving them a second thought—until we had kids of our own.

Family therapists were enthusiastic champions of this cultural narrative. Back in 1980, when Jay Haley's generative book Leaving Home was published, family treatment with late adolescents in the home focused on removing impediments to their departure. Parents learned to take charge and get their kids packing. Indeed, throughout much of American history, the ideal of successful maturity has touted the virtues of autonomy and individuation. The psychological necessity for such separation permeated popular sentiment, where even now it remains relatively unchallenged.

In its basic form, this story holds that most emerging adults still living at home are wretched, entitled, or manipulative kids, who are victimizing their hapless "permaparents." These parents, in turn, should get their own lives, stop being wimps and concierges, and escort their leeching offspring out the door. Good parents raise differentiated individuals who create their own paths. Even without agreeing on all the negative elements, most therapists still accept that an offspring's independence is the mark of a parental job well done, and that a successful intervention is one that helps cut the cord. ..........(snip)

The complete piece is at: http://www.alternet.org/media/147821/why_are_young_people_moving_back_in_with_their_parents/

[ejpoeta]

1. or the reality may be that the kids can't afford to live on their own yet.

maybe they can't find a job. or maybe they are paying off bills. that may not always be the case, but there are some kids who are staying at home to save money. or maybe the parent's need them to stay because they are struggling and need the kid to help out. generally one would say probably the kid is having a hard time making that jump to adulthood, but in today's economic troubles, i'd be more inclined to say the increase is due to economic difficulties.

[happyslug]

5. And Grandparents can not live alone either

For example, My Mother could NOT keep her home after my Father died (Cut in Pension) except for the fact my sister lives with her and keeps up the house from her employment. If I had a choice I would move back in, just to cut costs (I work to far away, thus I keep a separate home, it is cheaper for me to rent a place then to commute by car).

I have seen this otherwise, people moving in with their parents, for that house is paid for, but providing the money to keep up the house (and the taxes). I have seen people move in their parents into their home. This provides them a "babysitter" AND some extra money for the household (Whatever Social Security, Pension, or other income of the grandparent, please note most children do NOT demand rent payments from their own children's grandparents, but most grandparents give something, even if it is minimal). Now if a grandparent needs extra care they end up in a nursing home, but more and more senior citizens are setting things up just in case they have to go into a nursing home.

Now we have to remember the Five year rule is alive and well, i.e. the Federal Government will pay for Long Term Nursing care if needed provided the senior citizen has no assets. To avoid people "giving" things away, the Feds are permitted to undo any transaction done in the five years prior to the person going into a Nursing home, and this includes the senior citizen's home, thus most put a child who is living with them on the deed as a co-owner with right of survivorship. Under State law, and given their is NO federal law on this issue, it is the law the applies, in such joint ownership situations, once one of the co-owners dies, the property goes 100% to the surviving co-owner, subject to any mortgage, but free of any federal claim based on one of the co-owners being in a nursing home.

Just pointing out that this is NOT just a one way street, in most cases it is two ways, a Grandparent who wants to help their grandkids by making sure the grandkids and the grandkids parents have a place to live. Sometime the parents give up jobs to move in with the grandparents for once they consider the payment on the house they have to pay to live close to their own jobs, living with grandma, may be cheaper (i.e. lesser paying job near grandma's house, rent free, is more total spendable income then new house, and high mortgage payments, near higher paying job).

At the same time, Grandma can NOT keep up the house. Homes need work, painting, repairs etc. Most people on pensions have the time, but not the money to do some of these repairs. Other times you have to pay someone to come in and do the repairs, and many people on Social Security can NOT do that on Social Security. This my comment it is a two way street, we see the advantages of the "Young" moving in with their parents, but not the advantageous for the grandparents. In most situation it is advantageous to BOTH groups to join up together.

[kelly1mm]

22. Why should we (taxpayers) pay for nursing home care if someone

has an asset (paid off home) but gives it to their children, instead of using that asset to pay for their care? Would it be different if the asset was a Ferarri or stocks?

[happyslug]

23. The answer is there is no difference, but Congress decided Five years is far enough back

Remember the test is the parent who ends up in a Nursing home, must show that he or she either sold ANY ASSET for full value OR the transfer was more then five years before. i.e. Five years of living on their own with their children owning the property as a gift. If the parent goes into a nursing home, and any asset was given away four years earlier, it must be sold for the parent's nursing home care. If it was given away five years before, then it does NOT have to be.

Until Congress acted, there was no set rule, most states said if any asset was given away, then that parent was not eligible for that year, but the following year their would be eligible. The problem was how far back could one go on such gifts? The Common law rule was never, most states said one year (and then mostly that budget year) finally Congress said that the nursing home can go back five years. One of the problem with more then five years is families would often re-finance the house to up date it. They can not borrow money on the house, if there is a possible claim on the house. Thus Congress came up with the Five year rule so that people will know when they have a clear title.

Thus the five year rule is a good rule, if anything it is a little long. A lot of people do extensive updating of a house once their move into it and their either can not do such updating OR they have to wait five years to do so. The five year rule is a good rule we can use for it gives a clear time when a gift is really a gift, not something to keep out of the Government's hands.

[kelly1mm]

28. I actually know the rules as I used to practice estate law. My comment

and question was about why should we allow poeople to make themselves artificially poor in order to qualify for medicaid benefits. Remember, medicare does not pay for nursing home care (there is rehab care for a limited time). Only Medicaid will pay for regular nursing home care. Medicaid was supposed to be for the indigent.
So, my question again is why should we pay the nursing home bills for those that choose to "give away" their assets to their children?

PS - actually the feds will not "undue" any transfer. What they will do is disallow benefits. Not alot of fun trying to explain to an older client that they are going to be kicked out of the nursing home because their child will not give back "their" house.

[Chemical Bill]

35. I'd rather my taxes pay for...

someone with a Ferrari to get nursing home care than have my taxes pay to kill people overseas.

Bill

[phantom power]

9. Yes, well it wouldn't do to bring up that awkward reality.

Much easier to engage in pop psychology than talk about the new great depression.

[Zoeisright]

11. You're right - it really misses the main point.

There are very few good paying, stable jobs anymore, especially for kids just out of school. They just can't afford to life on their own.

[XemaSab]

18. Things are WAAAY easier in a house with two incomes

Instead of two totally broke households, we can have one household where bills get paid. :P

[OhioChick]

27. +1 n/t

[rapturedbyrobots]

41. its not just the kids that can't afford it

i'm finishing up my last 6 months in grad school. will be graduating with a ph.d in neurobiology. but before then, i'll be taking a 10% pay cut for the rest of my time in the lab. a grad stipend is already very low. when i graduate, i will have approximately no savings and plenty of loans (from undergrad) to pay off. it appears unlikely that i'll find a post-doc (3 of my recently graduated friends aren't able to find jobs...1 person i know with a ph.d. is managing a subways sandwich shop). even if i can find a job, the pay for a post-doc (with about 10 years of higher ed schooling) is around $35-37k. i'd make more (hourly) working for a telemarketer.

at the same time. my mother recently had a stroke (mild, thankfully). it occurred at work, where some nurses that work for the company correctly diagnosed it as a stroke while it was happening. even though they insisted she go to the ER immediately (chances of severe long term damage go way up after the 1st hour without treatment) she refused. she didn't want to go because even though she buys medical insurance through her employer, the deductible is more than she can afford. two days later i finally convinced her to see a doctor, and she went...got the mri, the stroke test, some other test to probe her blood vessels for blocks...etc... the ensuing medical bills (w/insurance) have made her unable to pay the mortgage on her house. so, in addition to a pay cut i'll have to send another 10-15% of my check to help her stay up on the house.

so, if i do end up moving back home after grad school. it will be because neither i nor my mother can afford to live on our own. and i consider myself pretty well off compared to the majority of my friends. this country is seriously, SERIOUSLY screwed right now.

we're all in it together & hopefully we can find ways to help each other stay afloat. i say that, but i'm losing hope. good luck to everyone out there.

[greymattermom]

42. good luck!

I've had trouble finding postdocs to hire. My advice is to find some people you'd like to work with, go talk to them, and check back every so often. I write 5-5 new R01s every year like most neuroscience PIs, and sometimes I even get one! It's frustrating to advertise for postdocs because you get hundreds of Chinese applicants and a few Americans who are "just practicing their job interview skills".

[rapturedbyrobots]

44. we need more than luck

everyone i know in this field is feeling pretty pessimistic right now. lots are giving up on academic careers, going into industry, or even consulting if they can get a job. others are trying to leave the country (asia seems pretty keen on hiring western ph.d's right now). if i were you i'd take one of those chinese applicants. because in a few years that's all that will be left anyway. our department is already approximately 40% chinese (grad students & post docs)

[yurbud]

43. economic and divorce and single parent families make people appreciate their folks more

since those ''broken homes'' have cultural critical mass, instead of rebelling against their family, kids are desperate to hold onto the tattered fragments.

Likewise, a lot of parents are realizing family togetherness is more important than going on senior cruises or traveling around the country in an RV.

[old mark]

2. I know a few people under 35 - most of them working and many living in groups-

3 or more unrelated young adults renting a house rather than individual apartments...it is all about affordability. Even those lucky enough to have good jobs don't want to spend a thousand dollars a month on an apartment...when the future is so uncertain, you want to save as much as you can if you are smart...living with parents is sometimes the only way to make it.


mark

[ejpoeta]

7. well young people have student loans too. they leave school and are immediately on the hook

for that education regardless of what kind of job they can get. so it makes sense to share the rent with others. the cost of everything is going up... renting an apartment is insane right now!! i think i paid $300/month for a studio many many years ago.

[old mark]

15. Absolutely! Our mortgage is under $530 a month - I doubt some of you

could find a garage to rent for that little.
Take advantage of everything you possibly can.

mark

[canoeist52]

3. What part of 640.00 a month for 10-years-student loans

do they not understand??

[RevStPatrick]

4. Personally, I believe that the...

"...child-rearing contract (that) was clearly designed to last for about 18 years..." was the anomaly. That was something that started maybe two generations ago, and we've come to believe that it is the norm for our species.

Human beings are tribal creatures, and the extended family is the "basic building block of civilization." No matter what people may tell you about marriage between one man and one women being the foundation of society. That is simply not and has never been true. Extended families and clans are the foundation of society, and after a couple of generations of mobility, economic factors are bringing it back around again.

[XemaSab]

19. It was called the "nuclear family"

because it only became the mode in the 1950's.

[GaltFreeDiet]

21. Ah, the age of fission.

n/t

[Alcibiades]

32. You're joking

The OED dates the term to 1924.

[snort]

33. Yes

[shimmergal]

39. Exactly!

The extended family does also provide somewhat of a safety net against the depredations of capitalism. That's probably why there's been such disparagement of it in our society.

[ladywnch]

6. I am already convinced that my step children will be living with us

till they're in their 30s. They are completely incapable of living on their own. they are 14 and 16 now with no whiff independence insight. both of their parents enable and indulge these kids within an inch of their lives......we'll never get rid of them. I'm sadly resigned to it.

[ejpoeta]

8. have you ever seen failure to launch? it kind of deals with that issue.

matthew mccaunaghy has his mother doing his laundry, making him food. who would want to leave if they have someone else doing everything for them! my oldest is 11, so i have a while for that. but i make them clean up after themselves and struggle to make them do other stuff too. my job is to raise them to be able to function and take care of themselves. i know when i was a kid i did laundry, dishes.... babysat. of course, i wouldn't have lived with my dad as an adult if my life depended on it... but our situation was different. i had a cousin who lived in her parent's basement with her husband and kids for a few years and saved up money. i think it would be nice to have that net there. to know there was somewhere you could go if you go out in the world and fail. i want my kids to have that there for them if they need it. but i would expect them to pay rent and participate in taking care of things.

[ladywnch]

14. I'm familiar with the movie though I haven't seen it all the way through.

I agree with you about raising them to take care of themselves. And I believe in there being a safety net....but it should be a safety net, not a lifestyle choice. Many of the kids I know who are still living at home are living at home the same way they have all their lives. They're not paying rent ( or so little as to be 'why bother'), they're not saving to get their own place....they are out living like they are still teenagers looking only to their own needs/wants. There is no going without, delayed gratification, belt tightening.....no, I can't afford a place of my own or to live on my own, but I'm gonna take my paycheck and go on a two week ski trip.....'it's a good thing I live with my folks cause I'd NEVER be able to take this trip if I had to pay for my own costs of living.'

[ejpoeta]

29. i have known some like that. a couple of guys who lived at home and

went out drinking and blowing their money all the time. the parents aren't really doing them any favors though because the parents won't be there forever. better to be a safety net if they need it but push them out to take care of themselves so that they CAN make it on their own. i also had a friend who lived at home, she and her brother. she paid $40/month to live there and she paid her car and whatever other bills she had. i lived on my own and was lucky to have $20 to my name after i paid my bills. $20 for groceries AND gas for work. we'd go out and she'd tell me how she ONLY had $200 left after she paid all her bills etc. i was so jealous of her. but she didn't blow all her money. she was very careful. i bet she saved a lot of it up.

[Demeter]

10. That's a Little Young To Expect Self-Sufficiency

Especially teens traumatized by a family breakup.

Show them a little forbearance, or you'll end up going "Mirror, mirror, on the wall..." and all that.

And by the way, I'd bet they would love to learn how to do the "adult" thing. You could be an inspiration.

[ladywnch]

13. I've tired. they're not remotely interested. They've got their mother

practically diapering them daily. At their age, my brother, my husband and I were already working - by choice. We were planning our departure from home. Children who are chronically protected from EVER failing while they are young (and learning how to deal with failures) I'm sure are more scared of failing when they're grown. They don't have the tools to cope with it. They are barely tolerant of learning how to do the 'adult' thing and then only after they've been drug kicking and screaming to it......why be an adult (watching us run around like crazy people to cover their every whim) when they can just sit on their privileged butts and be waited on.

I particularly love how in the article they talk about a 23 year old who tried living alone and going to school while holding down a job and it made her 'unwell' physically so she had to move home to have her mother continue to care for her.
Gee, just think how much fun it is at the tender age of 48 and 52 working all day and then coming home to care for your adult children. I can hardly wait. And their perpetual state of being entitled to this treatment is enough to make me want to scream.

And as for the 'mirror, mirror...;.' stuff, I'm already the evil step monster because I actually believe in rules, boundaries, responsibility/accountability and consequences to actions......in short, I'm a bitch. And I can live with that.

[Viva_La_Revolution]

12. We're a 4 generation household.

My Gram, my Dad, me, and my 2 youngest who are 19 and 20.
Dad moved in with Gram 4 years ago, he had been laid off and she couldn't be alone at night. The boys and I moved in almost 3 years ago because work had dried up completely.
Gram now needs 24-hour care, but she is in her own home with family surrounding her. I'm so happy we had to move in then, so we can take care of her now. My sons are learning to take care of others instead of struggling on their own like so many of their friends.

Rather than struggling separately, we are supporting each other, and doing well. :)

[Old Troop]

16. There's so much to this. During the Great Depression, for instance,

male children very often left home at 16 or younger. Prior to that, kids generally stayed at home until marriage and then lived next door to their parents in a home paid for and built by the father. That said, several weeks ago I saw the ultimate "helicopter" parent. At the Boy Scout Jamboree, she and her 12 yo came into a merit badge station where she displaced another scout to sit next to her son and work on his project with him. She even held his water bottle to his lips from time to time.

[XemaSab]

20. My great grandpa left home at 13

When my uncles were 13 and 14 he came out to visit from Minnesota and he told them that they were a burden on their mother and they should be gone before she got home from work.

Of course she came home and they were sitting on the steps BAWLING. :P

[Hawkowl]

40. Very true for my grandparents

My grandmother left to be a domestic servant in Chicago at age 10 and my grandfather ran away to work on a farm in Wisconsin at age 11.

[provis99]

17. leaving home at 18 is abnormal in most of the world.

In most countries, households are multi-generational in nature: grandparents, parents, and children. Even in America, it's common for Italian-Americans to live at home until they're married. Why do we have this weird cultural impetus to throw our kin out of the house? I blame capitalism, somehow.

[XemaSab]

25. Have you read "Moral Politics?"

Lakoff has some ideas about this.

According to Lakoff, the conservative family model is to teach kids self-discipline, and that parents who take care of their kids past a certain age are not only exceeding their own responsibilities, but they're meddling in the lives of their children.

This is also why republicans don't believe in social services too. :P

[supernova]

30. Interesting theory

and explains a lot.

[Iwillnevergiveup]

24. I couldn't wait to leave home when I was 18

and went to college 1,000 miles away. But I was always rebellious, so it figured.

But my adult son (age 31) lives at home with me and is a tremendous help in caring for my nearly 90 year old folks who live 1/2 a mile away. He can sleep at either place, and we're fixing up his room to give my dad a once-in-awhile break from my dementia-ridden mom. His room will become an escape hatch, and I guess this arrangement will continue until they are deceased. It's taking 2 generations to keep them out of assisted living, but with a daily prayer for patience and energy, so far it's working. I'd be hard-pressed to do everything my kid does for his grandparents.

The times are very different.

[onpatrol98]

26. Good Point!

[supernova]

31. You can't live independently on a beginner's wage

anymore.

If the kid isn't living with the folks, s/he is most likely to be living with several housemates.

And can we talk about the now near universal expectation of graduate school? There are now so many occupations where it may not be necessary to get the initial job, but if you want to stay or even move up the ladder, a Masters is de rigeur. My nephew is about to find that out. He just finished a BA in Business/HR. I haven't told him that folks who run the HR dept in any org usually have a grad degree. He'll find out soon enough.

Nothing wrong with grad school, but it does add years to the poor as a church mouse notch on your belt.

[katty]

34. no job, no $

[johnroshan]

36. This is just a cultural thing.

I'm an Indian and I most probably will be living with my parents even after I get married. Many cultures around the world still live in large families.


Child rearing in America still has traces of the era where the psychologist John B. Watson released "Psychological Care of Infant and Child" in the late twenties. He was a supporter of staunch individualism and viewed childhood as only as a period to train the child to be free from all sentiment and attachment to take on this "modern world".

Its quite sad that many parents of that time took his advice.

[Sea Witch]

37. multi generational households can have some pretty big advantages,

providing everyone is contributing in some manner. The problems come along if the child is not pulling their own weight.

[Historic NY]

38. Slackers.