My latest column: domestic violence

[flowomo]

Several DU'ers helped me track down the script for "Carousel" I needed for this, so thanks! And all feedback always welcome. Column is online at this address:

http://cumberlink.com/articles/2004/12/16/editorial/rich_lewis/lewis01.txt



No respite from domestic violence

By Rich Lewis, December 16, 2004

Old movies are just that - old - and we expect to see in them old-fashioned things and thinking.

Sometimes we feel a twinge of nostalgia or surprise when reminded how things were "back then."

But sometimes we are unexpectedly shocked at what we see or hear.

I had a moment like that this week.

My wife and I found ourselves watching "Carousel" - the 1956 film adaptation of the 1945 Rogers and Hammerstein Broadway musical, starring Gordon MacRae and Shirley Jones. Its most famous song is the graduation anthem, "You'll Never Walk Alone."

I'd seen bits of the movie before, but this time I watched it all the way through.

It's the story of Billy Bigelow, a carousel barker, who falls in love with and marries Julie Jordan, a millworker. Billy is a cad; Julie is a saint.

Soon after Julie tells him she is pregnant, Billy gets killed trying to rob the mill owner.

Billy ends up in purgatory polishing stars, and the "starkeeper" allows him to return to Earth to visit the daughter he never knew. Louise, now 16, is very troubled. The other kids taunt her about her father being a liar and a thief.

On Earth, Billy reveals himself to Louise (without saying who he is) and they chat, but when Billy tries to give Louise the star as a gift, she becomes afraid and resists. He responds by slapping her, which is no surprise since Billy had regularly beaten Julie.

Louise runs toward the house yelling that a strange man is in the yard. Billy disappears; Julie comes outside.

Now comes the scene between Julie and Louise that left me shaking my head:

Julie: Oh, he's gone.

Louise: I didn't make it up mother. Honest, there was a strange man here and he hit me - hard - I heard the sound of it - but it didn't hurt, Mother! It didn't hurt at all - it was jest as if he kissed my hand!

Julie: Go into the house, child!

Louise: What happened, Mother? Don't you believe me?

Julie: Yes, I believe you.

Louise: Then why don't you tell me why you're actin' so funny?

Julie: It's nothin', darling.

Louise: But is it possible fer someone to hit you hard like that - real loud and hard - and not hurt you at all?

Julie: It is possible dear, fer someone to hit you - hit you hard - and not hurt at all.

I was aghast. Here was a Hollywood blockbuster delivering the message (three times!) that a punch from your husband or father is no different than a kiss. Golly, it doesn't hurt at all.

To modern sensibilities, this star-studded, public-relations effort on behalf of domestic violence is repellent.

We've come a long way on this one.

Or have we?

I talked to two local domestic-violence professionals about this scene in "Carousel" and it became clear that, while you are unlikely to see such a shameless celebration of wife-and-child beating in a major movie today, the problem of abuse is the same or worse.

"No, you probably could not put that message in a movie now," says Debbie Donahue, executive director of Domestic Violence Services for Cumberland & Perry Counties. "You can't say that abuse is good, but people still commit abuse."

And that's the nub. As with so many other social problems, people have learned to clean up their talk, to no longer blithely assert, in Donahue's words, "that hitting is a normal and acceptable way to express love."

But though we no longer talk the talk of abuse, plenty of people still walk the walk.

Donahue says that in her six years in the field, she has seen no decrease in domestic violence in Cumberland County, in Pennsylvania, or across the country. She notes that domestic violence deaths statewide increased 13 percent during the first nine months of 2004; that Carlisle police respond to an average of three domestic violence calls a day; that the DVS hotline logged 89 calls from Cumberland and Perry counties in November alone.

Ceceile Strand, DVS's volunteer coordinator, points out that "we didn't even put a name on domestic violence until the 1970s" and we don't accept "the male privilege of abusive control anymore."

Donahue agrees, but understands that public rejection of an idea does not necessarily mean changes in private behavior.

"The reality has changed in the sense that people are feeling more comfortable in coming forward and getting help," Donahue says. "But the problem has always existed and probably always will."

And though DVS strives for prevention, Donahue has no illusions the violence will end anytime soon. The more realistic goal is healing the damage done by it.

"What we offer is assistance for the inevitable victims, to make sure we have help for those who have the courage to come forward," she says. "That's what keeps me going."

Well, Louise Bigelow would be about 64 now, and one wonders how many "kisses" she would have received at the end of her husband's fist.

Or did she learn, as too few men and women have, that mom's advice - that "it is possible dear, fer someone to hit you hard and not hurt at all" - was the sweetly poisonous defense of the indefensible?

Rich Lewis' e-mail address is [e-mail]

[Porcupine]

1. "Men Baaad" is not the path to a solution.

The vast majority of writing on domestic violence begins and ends with "it's all some man's fault." These jackasses even somehow twist things around so that domestic violence in lesbian relationships can be somehow traced back to "patriarchy."

Here's a clue folks; it doesn't help. Bad behavior in relationships is equally initiated by women and men. Women Hit. Women hit their boyfriends, husbands, girlfriends and kids just like men do. Men also hit their girlfriends, wives boyfriends and kids. Beating the guy who slapped his wife just adds you to the abuser pile. It's always, always wrong. It's just violence.

Calling it "domestic violence" and giving it it's own month and ribbons and t-shirts will not do jack to make it stop. Because we live in a culture that constantly tells us that violence solves problems. We have to repudiate ALL violence.

You cannot initiate wars and make progress on violence at home. Nor can you have jackbooted police forces, prison states, or torture or prosecutors with unlimited power. You have to ramp it ALL down or live with it.

So until you join Amnesty International and Bad Cop No Donut and spend some time at your friendly local peace vigil shut the crap up about how it's all the fault of those bad, bad men.

[Eric J in MN]

2. I'm familiar with Amnesty International but

what is "Bad Cop No Donut?"

[freeplessinseattle]

4. that's true, but is changing as the known demographics change and

more men come forward. men are still in the majority of abusers, and tend to inflict more damage, but the vast majority of DV programs as far as I know reach out to male victims, too. I've worked at a couple shelters in WA state, and while they only accepted women at their shelters, they welcomed men to reach out for support and help, maybe one day men will start their won DV shelter, that would be a significant turning point. Maybe one day that traditional notion that a man can "take it", either in battle in the desert or the bedroom, and is always stronger and tougher than any woman will be dismantled and more men will come forward and speak out.

[Freebird12004]

3. thank you

for again reminding ALL of us -that pain does hurt and the real damage to the individual is unacceptable.
I lived an entire lifetime fighting against domestic violence - because I grew up watching my both of my step-mothers start fist-fights with my father. I felt pity and disgust for both of them. I never realized until recently how their fighting has always prevented me from trusting love. Because Love Shouldn't HURT !