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Gotta love larry, anyway, I'm typing this out b/c I can't find this article online from vanity fair. Thought you all might enjoy.
"Dear John,
I Hope this letter finds you well. Actually I hope this letter finds you. Do you even read Vanity Fair? I could do without the Calvin Klein underwear ads, but other than that its pretty good. I know its thick, and that must mean something...So, OK, what am I selling? I'm selling me. Senator, as the last piece in the puzzle, or maybe the next to last, which will allow you to take up residence on Pennsylvania Av-by choosing me to be your VP.
I Know it sounds a lil crazy on its face. Why would you consider a bald, tactless, dishonest and dare I say? Jew to be your running mate? Well before you toss the idea aside too quickly, think about this: of all the potential candidates, I am the only one who offsets Bush and balances out the ticket, and I don't mean geographically, b/c whatever qualities Bush has that people find appealing...I have those same qualities in spades.
For ex, he didn't do so well in school. He was a C student. Didn't apply himself. You know, with the frat parties and the cheerleading, it takes up alot of time. But, lets face it, most people are C students. Believe me, there are more C's, D's and F's out there than there are A's and B's. Senator, you've got the A's and B's locked up, but we need someone on the ticket who those C's, D's and F's can relate to. Hello. Guess what my gpa was. And I didn't have cheerleading to distract me. You see, I'm a natural born nincompoop. Not only am I one in life, but I play one on tv. And this I can promise you: I will deliver the nincompoops. They're comfortable with me. Comfortable? They love me. Go ahead and ask me who's the prez of Japan...I dont know. Ask me what was in the newspaper today. Don't know. You know why? I don't read the paper. My asst tells me what's going on. Ask me what foreign countries I've been to. None!
Another bloc of voters who Bush appeals to are the chickenhawks. Comprising that group would be Republicans, indepedents and many, shall we say, Leiberman Democrats. OK, well I'm not a hawk, but i'm a chicken. Chicken is my middle name. And there are an awful lot of chickens voting out there, certainly more chicken voters than Silver star recipients. Bush has an appeal to chickens. He avoided Vietnam by going to the National Guard. I avoided it by going into the Army Reserve. I go toe to toe with him on that. He can't out chicken me. You couldn't find something that I haven't run away from. I'm an embarressment to anyone who's ever had any association with me. My cowardice is lengendary. If they gave out medals for being a chicken, I'd be wearing a very decorated uniform. People would stop me on the street. "Mr David, Mr. David, I just want you to know how much I admire you." "Well thank you, young man, I give all the credit to my mother, who wouldn't let me out of her sight till I was 21 yrs old."
And not only am I afraid of combat, I'm afraid of a million other things-insects, women, bad toilets, having fun and I'm homophobic to a boot. Don't tell me thats not gonna swing some voters. You're too brave, Senator. Purple Heart, Silver star, you're not getting the chickens with those babies.
Another thing. Bush and I both like to exaggerate, embellish, varnish if you will. And Senator, I'm sure you know this" there are alot of registered exaggerators out there who are, and I don't mean to be disrespectful, not considering you. You do not speak their language. But thats where I come in. This is, in fact, my specialty. This is one of the few things in my life I'm good at, I have confidence in, and I take pride in. I mean, I even lie about the time. Say it's 3'oclock, and someone asks me the time. I'll say ten to three. I can't help myself. I enjoy it. It gives me pleasure. But I can lie about big things, too. You need someone to come up with a pretext for an invasion and keep a straight face? No problem. You need someone to lie about the cost of medicare? Consider it done. So don't let Bush take all those liars out there for granted. Let's give them a run for their money by putting a professional Liar on the ticket.
So i've told you about some of my attributes, the upside of picking me as vp, the fact that I'm a nincompoop, a chicken and a liar. But, like everyone, I'm not perfect. I have a thing out in the open. To begin with,-now, I know this is gonna sound alittle crazy-you should be aware that I believe in the theory of evolution. I know its irrational. I just believe that man inhabited this planet more than 5,000 years ago. Another potentional downside and I have to get this off the table: I don't duck hunt althought I have played mah-jongg with Ruder Bader Ginsburg.
And finally, theres one more thing, and this is the big one. After you're inaugurated, if -God forbib-anything should ever happen to you and I have to assume office, its a good night , nurse. Because all those qualities I would bring to the ticket which would help us get elected-the fact that I'm a nincompoop, a chickenhawk, and a liar-would probably be disastrous for anyone who was actually the president. But I leave that decision to you. Thank you for your consideration."
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