This is how the Government Gets Away with it. (Long)

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The Asshole Machine.

Have you every wondered - how do they do it?

How can the right-wing government consistently create the most Belligerent, Malignant, Ignorant and other adjectives that end with "ant" officials in the whole wide world?

It's because they have an Asshole Machine.

Like a snow cone maker gone wrong, the Asshole machine methodically churns out the largest, most corpulent American Assholes that the world has ever seen.

Like the Orgasmitron, the Asshole Machine taps the pucker regions of the human psyche, causing a cosmic divergence where output and communication devices are exchanged. The sphincter and the mouth are suddenly intertwined.

Fortunately, the Asshole Machine is only effective on crusty, old curmudgeons and lip-stick screaming banshee’s who have a tendency to think their effluvia smells of roses.

Consider the effectiveness of the Asshole Machine.

Education Secretary Richard Riordan, with the help of the Asshole Machine, was able to laugh out-loud when he called Isis a Stupid, Dirty Little Girl.

In an aberration, the Asshole Machine was tested on a Republican Sponsored Corporation. Chief operating officer Susie Oliver's "Orifice Enhancement" was completed just last year, resulting in the introduction of "W Ketchup", the anti-Heinz alternative - perfectly suited for "Freedom Fry" dipping and ethnocentric megalomania.

Of course, the inventor of the Asshole Machine, VP Dick Cheney touts the device's flexibility and upgradeability. "We've just introduced the "Fuck-Off" module. Initial tests show that this "conservative" option will see a lot of field testing during the next 3 months or so. With this new F-Bomb attachment, we’re now able to condescend to anyone, anywhere and still maintain that Oral Sex is a crime deserving of a $70,000,000 congressional investigation”

While the Asshole Machine is not yet available at Wal-Mart due to it’s current class action labor dispute, its widespread use is evident;

Recent Happy Customers and their treatment options include:

Matt Lauer - The Aggressive Sycophant Module
Katie Choric - The Aggressive Sycophant Module for low IQ's
Rupert Murdoch - The Whore the News for Entertainment Value Module
Ed Gillespie - The Pure Asshole Module
Karl Rove - The Gobbles/Lenni Rufenstien Module
Orin Hatch - The Misogynist Woman Hater Module
Sean Hannity – The Fake It Till You Make It Module
Bill O'Reilly - The No Spin ,Shut the Fuck Up Module (Bill is reported to have also used the No Real Research Module, the Blotchy Faced Angry Rich Man Module, the Lie and Lie Module (a huge favorite) and the Thank God that Fox is hear to make my stupid ass pundincy meaningful Module)

Oliver North - The Ewww I'm so disgusted that you don't agree with me even thought I'm an Asshole Traitor Module
Don Rumsferatu - The Were at War so Bite Me Module
John Ashcroft - The Nope - You no looky at torture memo OkeyDokey Module
Condi-Slezi Rice - The Pure Asshole Module with Dental Gap option

The Asshole Machine Institute’s Public Relations Officer, Rush Limbaugh relied heavily on Asshole Machine infusion in order to provide commentary on the recent news in Ah-Boo-Ga-Rafe. Speaking on the condition of total egomania, Rush ASSerted "Without the newly created "I'm a no talent - drug addicted but that okay because I have a trophy wife – Oh wait- Damn! Module", I wouldn't have been able to so callously discount the horror and anguish of the recent prison frat-boy hazing"

The list of Asshole Machine Clientele is long and distinguished, but Anonymity is a key component of its service. "We take the privacy of our clients very seriously.” Salivated Paul Wolfowitz. “All records of the use of the Asshole Machine are kept in the bullet-proof Congressional Lobbyist Database, which as you know is irretrievable with out self-destructing, as well as back up records contained in Microfiche - which has a shelf life of 100 years unless you try to restore it under the Freedom of Information Act".

Ownership of the Asshole Machine is credited to a branch of Euro Disney where the Saudi Royal family reportedly owns a 86% stake in the technology. The other 14% is owned by the Carlyle Group, which will take the company public upon confirmation of a government no-bid contract to mass-produce the A-Machine for a national grassroots campaigns run and funded by tax-exempt local Churches.


Disclaimer* This report is available at your local library. You may view it at your own risk.

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1. edited for spelling. eom

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2. vanity kick. :)