Late night jokes

[Poiuyt]

The new Prime Minister of Spain has called the war in Iraq a disaster,

and plans to bring his troops home as soon as possible. In fact,

President Bush is so upset at Spain that he is now threatening to

close down the border between Spain and the US. -- Jay Leno



A new poll says that if the election were held today, John Kerry would

beat President Bush by a double digit margin. The White House is so

worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of

Osama Bin Laden to next month. -- Jay Leno



President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, high-

lighting all of his accomplishments in office. That's why it's a 60-

second spot. -- Jay Leno



President Bush says he has just one question for the American

voters, "Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they

were four years ago?"-- Jay Leno



Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162.

That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Demo-

cratic nomination. See, for President Bush it's different. His magic

number is only 5. That's the number of Supreme Court judges

needed to win. -- Jay Leno



There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the

White House wall and was arrested. This marks the first time a

person has gotten into The White House unlawfully since

President Bush. -- David Letterman



In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard

troops. Here's the weird part: nobody remembers seeing him there.

-- Craig Kilborn



President Bush said he was "troubled" by gay people getting

married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the

people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course

we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges. -- Jay Leno



There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier

today. They were looking around searching for George Bush's

military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.

-- David Letterman



The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack

for his service in the National Guard. The commanding officers

can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72.

President Bush said, "Remember me? I'm the drunk guy." -- Jay

Leno



On "Meet the Press" yesterday President Bush was asked what

he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, "Phhh, you mean

like last time?" -- Jay Leno



This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making cam-

paign appearances with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam.

Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once

took a math test for him. -- Conan O'Brien



President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has

two parts: smoke and mirrors. -- Jay Leno



Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should

have been. We knew that when we elected him! -- Jay Leno



As you know President Bush gave his State of the Union Address,

interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words.

-- Jay Leno



President Bush said that American workers will need new skills

to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're

going to need are Spanish, Chinese, and Korean, because that's

where the jobs went. -- Jay Leno



President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And

from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what

this means. He's drinking again. -- David Letterman



Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill has written a book about

his years with the Bush Administration. He said that President Bush

while at cabinet meetings is disengaged, he's uninformed,

distracted, he's passive. And the Democrats are saying to them-

selves, "How can we possibly beat this guy?" -- David Letterman



The U.S. Army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fighting contract in

Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without

any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as

Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said, "Yes."

-- Conan O'Brien



Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal

the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with

unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate

amount of time, at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared

that up. -- Jay Leno



Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if

he has to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush.

He can't just name a replacement. He would first have to be con-

firmed by the oil, gas, and power companies. -- Jay Leno



President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before playing a round of

golf in Crawford, Texas, earlier today. This raises the question:

Shouldn't the guy who is really running the country and who has had

like 20 heart attacks be taking the vacation? -- Craig Kilborn



The White House has now released military documents they say

prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard.

Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election.

[charlie105]

1. Good ones. Kick!

:-)

[Endangered Specie]

2. ROFLMAO!

:kick:

[checks-n-balances]

3. Thanks for this "bookmark-able" post! The ones from Jay Leno are

the most amazing ones. Has he been doing this all along or has he finally discovered that the political winds are shifting???

Anyway, thanks & LOL!

[DeepModem Mom]

4. These guys' spin is, or becomes, conventional wisdom -- it's important...

Thanks for posting!