a quick rundown of world history

[Literate Tar Heel]

getting silly in my blog today...

1.8 million BCE -- Homo erectus appears. Rick Santorum tries to pass a constitutional amendment against it.

15,000 BCE -- Migrations across Bering Straits into the Americas. Rednecks in Georgia rise up in revolt about "all them damn immigrants comin' to take our jobs."

3500 BCE -- First phonetic writing appears. George Bush begins reading My Pet Goat.

149 BCE -- Rome destroys Carthage, killing 450,000 and enslaving the remaining 50,000 inhabitants. Halliburton gets a no-bid contract to rebuild the infrastructure.

30 CE -- Crucifixion of Jesus. Fox News reports that liberals and Bill Clinton are responsible... (they report, you decide).

542 CE -- Plague spreads through Europe. Jerry Falwell blames it on the gays.

622 CE -- Mohammed flees from Mecca to Medina. An investigation is launched into how a known proponent of Islam is allowed to travel so freely.

1040 CE -- Macbeth murders Duncan, king of Scotland. He is acquitted after his attorney, Johnnie Cochran, tells the jury, "Double, double, toil and trouble; the prosecution's case has gone to rubble."

c. 1325 CE -- Beginning of the Renaissance in Italy. Republicans in Congress move to cut funding for the arts.

1532 CE -- Machiavelli's The Prince published posthumously. Karl Rove has an orgasm.

1609 CE -- Samuel de Champlain establishes French colony of Quebec. Bill O'Reilly announces a boycott of it.

1682 CE -- Pennsylvania founded by William Penn. Recognizing it as a battleground state, the Bush campaign schedules 84 visits there between July and November.

1735 CE -- John Peter Zenger acquitted of libel in New York, establishing press freedom. As long as you repeat whatever the Bush White House tells you to say, that is.

1787 CE -- The Constitution of the United States is signed. John Ashcroft begins looking for ways to dismantle it.

1831 CE -- Nat Turner leads unsuccessful slave rebellion. Republicans everywhere breathe a sigh of relief.

1860 CE -- South Carolina secedes from the Union. The Union says, "Who?"

1898 CE -- U.S. Battleship Maine is sunk in Havana Harbor. Bush blames Osama bin Laden, declares war on Iraq.

1906 CE -- San Francisco earthquake and three-day fire; more than 500 dead. Jerry Falwell blames it on the gays.

1922 CE -- Mussolini marches on Rome; forms Fascist government. Karl Rove has an orgasm.

1933 CE -- Reichstag fire in Berlin; Nazi terror begins. Bush blames Osama bin Laden, declares war on Iraq.

1948 CE -- Gandhi assassinated in New Delhi by Hindu fanatic. Donald Rumsfeld says, "That's what he gets for being a peace-loving pansy ass."

1964 CE -- U.S. Supreme Court rules that congressional districts must be roughly equal in population. Tom DeLay begins redrawing them to get as many Republicans elected as possible.

1968 CE -- Martin Luther King, Jr. is slain in Memphis. Fox News hails James Earl Ray as a great American patriot ... (they're fair and balanced).

1974 CE -- President Gerald Ford grants "full, free, and absolute pardon" to ex-president Richard Nixon, says, "It's not like he got a blow job or anything."

1979 CE -- Oil spills pollute ocean waters in Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico. Dick Cheney tells environmental advocates to go $*&^% themselves.

1983 CE -- U.S. and Caribbean allies invade Grenada. No WMD's are found.

1988 CE -- Republicans nominate George H.W. Bush for president. Fox News declares him the winner five minutes later.

1992 CE -- Supreme Court reaffirms right to abortion. Old white men everywhere are infuriated because of the drastic effect the ruling will have on their lives.

1995 CE -- Scores killed as terrorist's car bomb blows up block-long Oklahoma City federal building. Bush says it's ok because Timothy McVeigh isn't Osama bin Laden, but declares war on Iraq anyway.

1998 CE -- Matthew Shepard, gay Wyoming student, fatally beaten in hate crime. James Inhofe says he is outraged by the outrage; Rumsfeld and right-wing talk show hosts compare it to a fraternity hazing.

2000 CE -- Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris certifies Bush as winner by 537 votes. Harris gets record Christmas bonus from Florida governor Jeb Bush.

2003 CE -- North Korea withdraws from treaty on the nonproliferation of nuclear weapons. Bush says, "I don't care about their nukular weapons. They don't have oil. I'm going to blame Osama bin Laden for something and then I'm declaring war on Iraq."

[realisticphish]

1. lmao

GREAT piece..though i question the use of CE and BCE .Now, I completely understand people not wating to use the anno domini, since that is based on the birth of christ, so if you aren't christian, it doesnt make sense. BUT, CE still starts with the birth of Christ! So what's the point in renaming it? Not against you, or anyone in particular, and maybe im just a raving looney. sorry about that...


:hippie: The Incorrigible Democrat

[Literate Tar Heel]

2. I just prefer BCE/CE to BC/AD

because it doesn't actually use "Christ" in the name, it's what was used in my history classes in college so I got used to it, and I don't know of any other system to use

[realisticphish]

3. that's cool

like i said, im a raving looney; honestly, there is no easy place to set the beginning of this millenium, without relying on something as deeply rooted as religion. and, most of my HS history books used CE (no college classes yet, did engineering for a year, switching to poli sci so i should be getting it..)

:hippie: The Incorrigible Democrat