Bush will outlaw masturbation!

[Elwood P Dowd]

Repuke fundie tells a friend that the fun and games are over. They have a mandate, and they're putting a stop to the lewd and perverted sexual practices of Americans. Homosexuality, sex without marriage, and masturbation will eventually be a felony. Those who do not conform will be shipped off to camps and dealt with in the appropriate manner. He really believes this will happen in the next few years.

So how in hell do you enforce this? He proposes a lie detector test when you apply for a job or a driver's license. "We have a mandate, and you perverts who voted for Kerry are doomed." He also likes the idea of cameras in every room of your house but admits it might be a tad too expensive.

So who is this idiot? He's a PHD (engineering) and now firmly believes the earth is only 6,000 years old and Bush was sent to us by God.

One note: His wife spends several hours a day taking tennis lessons from a 27-year-old hunk who likes older women. Mr PHD thinks the lessons are a gift from God that have transformed his wife into a happy and content lady. However, he cannot understand why his wife's game has not improved.

[GRLMGC]

1. Oy

What a freak!

[drhilarius]

2. LOL. That last part's a joke, right?

[Elwood P Dowd]

10. No, she actually takes tennis lessons

and she is not a damn bit better at it. She comes home happy and tired. There is no proof of anything, but how does this young tennis pro make so damn much money? His deal with the country club don't pay the kind of money to finance the house he owns or the cars he drives.

[drhilarius]

12. So I'm assuming this guy wonders...

Why his wife installed a high-pressure, multi-speed shower head in the master bath, and I assume he believes that she uses that massive 15 speed shoulder massager from the sharper image on her "aching back".

[ebayfool]

14. Nawww, too high tech. Washing machine - high spin cycle-corner! n/t

[Kindigger]

24. You forgot "with an off balance load".

:)

[leesa]

33. Sorry, Elwood, but with a lunatic husband like that, who could blame her??

[LittleClarkie]

3. (Looks at right hand)

Well, old friend, looks like the party's over. One last shave and off you go.

Good thing I'm a lefty.

[Dr.Phool]

8. I guess I better get busy

Before the bill is passed.

[McKenzie]

4. ah masturbation, mention it in male company

and their voices drop several octaves, most assume guilty faces and they awkwardly try to change the subject to something "manly" whatever that might be. 90+% of men do it and most of the remaining percentage lie.

Seriously, your post was bloody funny. I'm still trying to suss if you are on a wind up or not...eg, the tennis lessons bit. The guy's wife is probably still crap at tennis but she has a dreamy, sated look all the time...snigger.

[TaleWgnDg]

5. Just for the hell of it, give us a source (url link) . . . n/t

[Dr.Phool]

6. This brilliant Engineer

Is probably the guy who designed Tampa's crosstown expressway that has collapsed in several spots.

[Cronus Protagonist]

18. They forgot about the ivy

Every structural engineer knows that all problems with a project can be fixed with a liberal (no pun intended) growth of ivy.

The landscape gardener is so important to an incompetent engineer.




http://brainbuttons.com/home.asp?stashid=13
Buttons for brainy people - educate your local freepers today!

[dazeconf]

23. so the repukes are going to tag penises with motion detectors

before babies leave the hospital? Sounds like a very reasonable way to restore morality in america.

[indigobusiness]

7. The revolution is upon us!!!

Your time is limited, spank that sucker!

[Tsiyu]

9. All the optometrists will go out of business!

So, no more Sex Without Partners meetings.

You know, those meetings where you can invite virtually anybody.

You can stay as long as you like.

Everyone gets cookies at the end.


Oh well, look what happened to Jocelyn Elders. And she was right on the money.

[indigobusiness]

11. "Everyone gets cookies at the end."

bwahahahahahaaaaaa

[AnIndependentTexan]

13. does this mean hand-jobs will be a thing of the past?

They need proper training because it isn't a 21st century job anymore. Better get those wacks in while you still can! It's hard work I tell you! Hard work!

[kodi]

15. well, they'll have to pry my cold, dead, greasy hand off my penis first

with apologies to Charlton Heston

[leftofthedial]

16. yup, they can have my penis

when they pry my cold dead fingers from around it.

sick minds think alike.

[kodi]

19. .

:thumbsup:

[The Zanti Regent]

17. I'm sure the Sex Police will get millions of volunteers...

...from the ASSemblies of Gawd and their co-idiots at the Southern Fried Baptists!

[Menshevik]

20. Bob Jones University awards engineering PhDs???

[drhilarius]

21. Hey, I think we've got enough onanists here to start a DU group!

[donheld]

22. Now how in hell will they enforce the Masterbation ban?

OMG it's the penis spies

[kiki]

25. You're right, they'd never be able to

pull it off

etc etc

[BiggJawn]

27. Vision tests and palm inspections....

Everyone KNOWS jacking-off causes blindness and hairy palms, right?

Maybe they'll just tie you up and throw you in a pond to see if you float or not....

They need a mandate to help 'em forget about their mandate...Know whuttamean?

[PaganPreacher]

34. By cutting off our thumbs!

Oh, wait, this isn't the "Saudi Arabia" forum, is it?



The Pagan Preacher
I don't turn the other cheek.

[RedTail Wolf]

26. whoa

When you want to outlaw the pud pull for us or the clitty diddley, and the strap ons for the girls you have gone too far. The murder rate would triple from all that pent up energy. What's next? I won't be able to tie up the wife whip her and humiliated her for my own and internet profit???? Don't Repukes always say stay out of the bedroom and endorse civil liberties? I guess kink and whacking off is a national security threat now.
One question. Will I be able to right off all the vibrators, plugs, pumps, leather restraints, chains. clamps, astroglide in a 10 gallon bucket, probes, electrodes, rubber suits and masks and assorted other sex toys? These people have gone too far! Might have to have a kinky yard \sale he he
Slap it , pinch it, tie it up,plug it, gag it, then do with it what you will..and thye want to stop this ....why? It's fun...no fun under Bushie...just world domination!


RedTail Wolf

[no_hypocrisy]

28. Re. my vibrator. "FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS" (so to speak).

[MemphisTiger]

31. That's one way to go

[Jawja]

29. When can we get the

hide a thread feature turned back on?

[MemphisTiger]

30. Well, at least she isn't masturbating.

[William Bloode]

32. I'll tell'em what i told the guards in prison.

It's my pecker and i'll wash it as fast as i want too!

[SpiralHawk]

35. 'All your orgasms are belong to us.'

- BushCo

[spanone]

36. Bwahahahahahahahaha......doin' time for the cool jerk!!!!!

This is hilarious....guns yes, steely dan....NO.

[DinahMoeHum]

37. Bwahahahaaa!! In their wet dreams! As Frank Zappa used to say,

there isn't enough prison space to hold all the children who are doing it.

:evilgrin:

[Rob H.]

38. Lie detector tests would never work

Most men who indulge in the ol' menage a moi are so used to lying about it that they'd always pass!