The following is a spoof news report and I hope not offend any self-thinking Christians/Catholics. I simply wish to highlight the power of ideology and collusion, not make generalizaionts about groups of people.
None-the-less I think it will be a enjoyable read for the board.
Also available at
http://www.pseudoennui.blogspot.com /
Let me know what you think.
The Moral Majority
AP-10:00am
A new crucifix will be available at Wal-Mart this holiday season. Wal-Mart’s Director of Religious Marketing, Vivian Bloat, avers, “Frankly, Christian iconography has needed a significant renovation since the beginning of the Renaissance. In the Dark Ages, it made sense to pray before the eviscerated Jesus, but now Christianity means something different.” Surprising to some, there has been little public outcry (save for the liberal media) about the Son of God stepping down as Christianity’s poster-boy. Economics Professor Alex Shenburg explains, “Since the merger of the Catholic Church, Wal-Mart, and Fox News into the Holy Trinity Company, every Christian in the world encounters some form of their propaganda on average of seventy times per day. It appears that the “Jesus is a Liberal” media blitz is working.” As part of the “Jesus is a Liberal” campaign, Fox News will air hour-long documentaries including “Jesus and Marx: Ground-breakers of Chinese Communism” and “The Homosexual Jesus.” Other popular slogans include “Jesus doesn’t shop”; “The Son of God drives a Volvo”; “Christ don’t eat meat”; and “Jesus was a nigger.” The success of the Holy Trinity Company’s thirty billion dollar, yearlong crusade is seemingly omnipresent. Consider that the number one song in America is Toby Keith’s “Jesus stole my hard-earned American Dollar and gave it to an Iraqi.” In many southern states, evangelists have taken to calling Welfare, the Jesus-tax. In schoolyards across the country, bullies taunt oversensitive boys, by calling them Christ-babies.
How can Christianity prosper without Christ? Boston’s Archbishop Raymond Williamson explains, “Christians have matured beyond Jesus’ message of love, realizing that true salvation lies in our God-given conservative faith.” Donald Hickey, a building contractor from Philadelphia, relates, “I used feel guilty for buying things that I didn’t need, but now I realize that Jesus is just another job-killing liberal. Hey, I help feed people by living in excess.” Likewise, Maryanne Flowers, a schoolteacher in rural Mississippi, recounts, “I never knew I didn’t agree with Jesus until my preacher asked our congregation, ‘Do you think love will save the Terrorists?’ ‘Hell no,’ we answered. Then preacher took a deep breath and said, ‘Well, Jesus thinks love can save anyone.’” When prompted, Miss Flowers responded that she eagerly awaits Wal-Mart’s new crucifix, “My congregation is going to camp outside the Wal-Mart in Jackson on the night before; such nice people at Wal-Mart—they let you keep your RV in their lot overnight.”
The new crucifix will be released on December 21st, the first day of winter, which, unwittingly, also is the Winter Solstice, a day in which godless people from around the world celebrate their right to frolic in the cold. Wal-Mart, however, isn’t worried about their choice of release date; the Holy Trinity Company is already working on declaring a new religious holiday, Inheritance Day. Vivian Bloat suggests, “Inheritance Day will celebrate the day that Christians inherited the holy crucifix from the Son of God.” Ms. Bloat, however, is less than forthcoming about the holy product’s details. “I can only tell you there will be crucifixes to meet everyone’s needs; ones to hang on walls, around necks, and up in the church belfry.” Bloat promises we won’t be disappointed with the crucifix’s new design nor with the new face of Christianity.
While Holy Trinity Company executives are keeping a tight lid on just who will replace Jesus on the cross, small firms have utilized telephone surveys to make educated guesses. Today, the premiere polling firm, CNN-Gallup, reported that both Mel Gibson and Santa Clause received 33% of 3500 tallies. Ronald Reagan, a distant third, received 12%. Other notable names garnering support: John Wayne, Richard the Lion Heart, Rubert Murdoch, Charleston Hesston, and World Series Champion Curt Shilling. It is rumored that President George W. Bush privately expressed dismay at not receiving significant support, but in a radio-address earlier today the President pledged his support. “I will champion whoever they decide to nail to the cross. It is my duty as an American, a Christian, and a Consumer.”
Professor Shenburg suggests that such polls ultimately are meaningless since it is the Holy Trinity Company alone that will decide. Entertainment writer Blake Du Pri speculates, “I won’t be surprised if we see a new fresh face, one with a voice, gyrating hips, and stage presence. Imagine. Weekly television specials. CDs. Music videos. Tours,” Du Pri swallows hard and adds, “Jeeze, I hope they don’t pick anybody dead, there’d be no money in that.” The Holy Trinity Company has already announced that the new cross-bearer will not be from the Bible or one of the Saints. Vivian Bloat adds, “Christianity’s new spokesperson will represent the rich ties our religion engenders between conservatism and capitalism.”
Much of the Jesus regalia has already been removed, disposed, or confiscated. Nationally, Toys R Us is offering dollar gift certificates for each WWJD bracelet turned in. Through Wal-Mart’s community outreach programs, Jesus crucifixes can be donated so that less fortunate families can purchase refurbished crucifixes at reduced cost. It is expected that Christians will make the full transition to the new crucifix by 2007. Scholars have been speculating for sometime that after Wal-Mart’s new crucifix hits shelves, the New Testament will come under direct scrutiny. Furthermore, it has been recently leaked that the Holy Trinity Company is already working on a Newer Testament, which will also function as an operating system for your PC. There is no word as to whether Christians will adopt a new namesake in light of these revelations; however, there seems to genuine support to change Christmas Day to Consumer Appreciation Day.
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