Helping Bush find a Homeland Security director

[Artemis Bunyon]

Preznit Dubya's plan to keep the Department of Homeland Security under the leadership of men with oddly shaped heads has hit a snag. Former New York City police commissioner Bernard Kerik -- whose cranium evokes memories of WWI-era mortar shells -- seemed like a shoe-in to replace Big Tom Ridge, whose own notorious noggin is approximately the size, shape and density of a cinderblock.

As New York's top cop on September 11th, Kerik was Hero-in-Chief of the world's most heroic hero-brigade. He went to Iraq (after the "mission" was "accomplished") to help assemble a working police force. He was nominated for the Homeland job by none other than Saint Rudolfo di Giuliani, for whom Kerik was once a personal chauffeur. And, most importantly, Preznit Dubya admired Kerik's tough talking persona, his cock-of-the-walk strut, and his manly moustache.

Unfortunately for Dubya, Giuliani, and the myths that surround both men, it soon became obvious that Kerik's nomination was a five hundred pound albatross. Officially, Kerik withdrew his nomination because of unpaid taxes on "an illegal babysitter" who doesn't seem to exist. More likely it was because of his failure to disclose expensive gifts from political pals, his multiple, overlapping extramarital affairs, his highly inappropriate partisan pandering during the presidential campaign, a warrant being issued for his arrest due to unpaid rent, his ties to organized crime, and his flirtation with bigamy.

And then there's the story about the Ground Zero love-nest where he shacked up with Fox-News-talking-head-slash-publishing-industry-phenom Judith Regan, prompting yer old pal Jerky to speculate whether the two fucked doggy-style, so they could both gaze out upon the devastation that would soon become the foundations of their mutual profit. There is no orgasm quite so satisfying, after all, as a world historic orgasm.

In the end, however, after all the noise, the lame excuses, the retractions, the apologies, the self-flagellations and proclamations of shame, one question looms largest: Haven't these people ever heard of background checks?!

[montanacowboy]

1. Hahahah...we always called Ridge

the Frankenstein Monster....what a head! and a little itty bitty pie hole for a mouth, uch

[Artemis Bunyon]

2. I have always called him "Chunkhead-in-Cheif"

The man has a huge frickin' noggin.

[elehhhhna]

3. "Refrigerator-Box Head"

[Anakin Skywalker]

4. Searching for Heinrich Himmler is Hard Work!

Eh heh heh. Can you just hear that Shrub fratboy snicker?