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I copied this off a site I read on occasion and thought you all might like to read this.
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To Kill A Stranger12.04.04 posted by The Jersey Cowboy
I meant to type this one up a couple of days ago (like, when it happened), but Life happened and we've been rather busy. So here I sit, following up my poem with some prose for y'all.
The other day we were on our way back from LSA Anaconda, the sun was setting, and we were almost back to our FOB. I was driving the Bradley down the center of the road, as we do, which gives us a little more of a space-cushion against IEDs and whatnot. As we came to a little hill with a bridge this Iraqi national comes flying our way. Thinking quickly, I saw that I had enough room to swerve and still make it onto the bridge, so that's what I did.
"Cowboy! Why didn't you run that guy over?! You never swerve for them!"
My immediate reply was that it was the natural reaction that came to mind, and I knew I had enough room for eavsive maneuvering. My BC reluctantly agreed, but told me next time to run the guy over. I got picked on a little bit more as we cleared our weapons on the FOB, but I shrugged it off. When I finally got back to my room I put on my headphones and picked up my journal so I could sort through the emotions that I was feeling.
First off, I began to rationalize my actions in my mind. I had enough room to avoid a collision, and it seemed like the right thing to do. Simple enough. How was I to know that the car coming at me wasn't a VBIED or something? If I had ran it over it could've exploded, damaging my Bradley and wounding my crew. At the speeds we were going I could've lost control and pitched us off the bridge anyway. It seemed the safest course of action, the one I took. Of course, if I had lost control of the Bradley as I made my jerky turns, I could've put us into the drink, but I didn't. I kept us safe.
Other details tugged at me. I saw it wasn't just some random guy in that car, but rather a family. Wife next to him, kids in the backseat. How could I sleep that night with them on my conscience? My 33 tons (more like 40 with the reactive armor on it) would've done all sorts of bad things to that little white car and its occupants. It was getting late, and we'd been working long days of late, and I just wanted to get back and relax--creaming some moron who was driving too fast and wouldn't get out of my way would've kept us out there in sector for hours, not to mention the statements I'd have to fill out when we finally did get back on the FOB. Also, who knows what kind of damage it might have done to my track? With my luck I'd have thrown track, and that's entirely too much fun to have to fix out in sector.
I remember saying and writing before I deployed that I actually kinda wanted to shoot one of the insurgents over here. I was curious what it would feel like. Would it haunt me for all of my days? Would it crush my spirit? Would I just shrug it off? Would I feel elation at getting my first kill? I know that's a sick train of thought, and please forgive me, but when that's what you're trained to do, you eventually wonder what it would be like to actually see your training through. Breathe your sigh of relief, Cowboy's changed his tune. I realized quite a while ago how foolish that train of thought was, however naturally it grew from my training. When I drive, I do so as cautiously as the mission allows, because I know that I'm not just taking care of my track and myself, but my crew, and therefore the loved ones of my crew. Even though I might never see my BC's girlfriend cry if I roll the track over and he gets squashed, it would still haunt me. Damn my hypervivid imagination! If I had run that car over and ended that family like a sentence, it would haunt me. Maybe not right now, but weeks later I would dream about all the things they're going to miss out on--birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc--and it tear at me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm willing to do my job if my job calls for it. I knew full well what the end result of my training would be, and I know that I may yet be called to do it before my deployment is over. I pray it won't happen, but if it does, I'll do what I have to. The car coming at me was, to my knowledge, an innocent family with an idiot at the wheel. Maybe running his ass over and then investigating the remains might have proved otherwise, but that's something I'll never know. Our country believes in innocence until guilt is proven, and I take it to heart. I'm glad I dodged that car, and even though it rankles me, I'll grin and bear the teasing I'll get now. And I'll hope that there isn't a next time, because I've been ordered to run the next car over.
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