Check out this forward I got about atheists... whoa what zinger, God!

[kittenpants]

this is from someone I barely know too... the relative of an in-law:

Subject:Fwd: The Atheist

An atheist was walking through the woods

"What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

"What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out,"Oh my God"!!!

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen"

[Canuckistanian]

1. Oh, that's right!

The only difference between "Christians" and atheists is that "Christians" pray before they kill!

[soulcore]

2. As an atheist I'm not sure if I should be

offended by the total Christian propaganda this puts forth, or laughing my ass off because of the hypocrisy represented by the "Christian" bear.

[blondeatlast]

35. Perhaps both? Nothing worse than bad humor pushing an agenda.

And I'm a Christian, FWIW.

[fishwax]

38. I'd laugh

and loudly :D

[TyeDye75]

3. The lord is veangeful

This is almost as bad as that stupid joke about the dog being left outside the classroom.

[whistle]

4. hehehehe, the atheist can always pull the bear's penis which....

...might give him enough time to run like hell and get out of there while the bear is praying!

[ToTheStreets]

5. Good one

I love this one. I wonder if the bears, and all of the other animals for that matter, think we humans are created in a divine image......

[idiosyncratic]

24. Welcome to DU!

:hi:

[GarySeven]

6. Inscribed on the tombstone of an atheist:

"All dressed up but no place to go."

[ToTheStreets]

8. Sure, he has a date

Why he goes to burn in hell for eternity right? How's that for scare tactics. Dumbya could learn something with that one.

[RaleighNCDUer]

20. Where do you think he got his style?

'I'm going to make you very afraid of all the wrong things, based on my personal mythology'.

I think that the threat of hell is about equal to the threat of Saddam's WMD. Both made up things to keep the sheep in line.

[jdj]

46. ooh, ouchums.

couldn ta said it better myself.

[mhr]

7. I Don't Respond To Hypothetical Questions

eom

[retread]

9. Talking bears, bright lights, time suspended.. What is this, the

Church of the Peyote?

[dolo amber]

10. Whoa, hang on a minute...

"...teach others I don't exist..."

Wtf? You mean I'm STILL supposed to be proselytizing? Dang, that's half the reason I became an atheist in the first place, was to get away from that nonsense! :P

[Bluebear]

11. "You teach others I don't exist"

Interesting. The vast majority of atheists I know arrived at their stance in very personal ways. I don't know of many people who "teach" people to be atheists.

[kittenpants]

12. maybe that was directed at science teachers... with all their book-larnin

[Dave Reynolds]

29. Dammit!

I think of all the tuition I spent at that durn "Athiest University"....

[Caution]

13. Well gee, if god were to manifest itself I would actually believe

But since there exists no evidence whatsoever for god, I'll continue to deny his existence and continue to utilize the expression "oh my god" as a colloquialism.

If there is a god and he choose to pull a stunt like that above, well it'll pretty much prove that he's a right bastard and I certainly would never worship this type of deity.

[Bellamia]

16. Whether or not there is a God...

The joke's still funny! Had a good laugh, and I'll pass it along. Thanks:>)

[idiosyncratic]

22. Welcome to DU!

:hi:

[blondeatlast]

36. I guess humor's all relative. I'm a Christian, and I thought it reeked,

myself.

[Auntie Bush]

41. I just sent it two 3 friends and I'm sure they will send it to others.

[DrWeird]

14. So a christian was walking through a forest...

"What majestic trees, Lord"

"What powerful rivers, Lord."

"What beautiful animals, Lord," he said to nobody in particular.

Than a bear jumped out from the pushes, and he said:

"Oh my God!"

Then the bear ate him. In particular his fatty brain, which bears prefer over other organs. And since the brain is the source of all consciousness, not some immaterial soul, the Christian ceased entirely to be. Unless you count bear shit.

[SheepyMcSheepster]

23. hehe

nice one

[BurtWorm]

30. Now THAT is funny!

:thumbsup:

[underseasurveyor]

50. Now THAT was funny.........ROTF

Gee, does a bear shit in the woods? BWAhahahahahaha

God Damned Right he does!

[slutticus]

15. I thought it was pretty funny.

I'm not offended at all. Am I supposed to be? I don't even know anymore....

[EC]

17. Sure, and all the people in the world - over all time,

that have ever been mauled by an animal were Atheists?

[Vinca]

18. I'm an atheist with a sense of humor and

I think that's pretty funny. Honest! Although, if I saw the grizzly, I'd be more likely to say "Fuck me" and run like a maniac. Maybe that's another joke.

[Dave Reynolds]

31. I think that's an upcoming JimmyJeff joke. /nt

[Taxloss]

42. The joke is quite funny.

I've heard it before without the loathsome fundamentalist agenda.

The sentioment behind this version isn't funny at all.

[RebelOne]

19. Old joke. I have seen it maybe 100 times.

Especially sent to me by my fundie friends and relatives who know that I am an atheist.

[Snotcicles]

21. A good reply a Mark Twain quote

...a God who could make good children as easily a bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who could have made every one of them happy, yet never made a single happy one; who made them prize their bitter life, yet stingily cut it short; who gave his angels eternal happiness unearned, yet required his other children to earn it; who gave is angels painless lives, yet cursed his other children with biting miseries and maladies of mind and body; who mouths justice, and invented hell--mouths mercy, and invented hell--mouths Golden Rules and foregiveness multiplied by seventy times seven, and invented hell; who mouths morals to other people, and has none himself; who frowns upon crimes, yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon himself; and finally, with altogether divine obtuseness, invites his poor abused slave to worship him!
- No. 44, The Mysterious Stranger

[Tsiyu]

25. Yes, Twain had 'issues" with god

He lost some dear folks and suffered some very painful times.

One does have to say that this writing (Twain's) begs an answer from somebody higher up on the food chain. I have felt the same myself at times.

[Snotcicles]

26. He didn't much care for politicians either n/t

[Tsiyu]

27. He was a rare bird

One of my favorite books is 'Innocents Abroad'( apologize for no italics).

Wonder what he'd have to say about all of today's messes, eh?

[BurtWorm]

28. The joke makes more sense if the "atheist" is a Christian.

An atheist would not ask anyone to become a "Christian." But a Christian would, of course. This joke was probably orginally told to make fun of Christians, and Christians took it and turned it into a joke making fun of atheists.

[Stirk]

32. The atheist would've had a rifle.

He wouldn't be counting on the Lawd to protect his flabby ass.

[Trajan]

33. More of that 'interventionist' divinity ....

Like stopping the sun so Joshua could get more killin done ....

uh huh ....

Perhaps Im just a sour and uncharitable asshole; but this is just another ad hominem attack against atheists in general ... Fancy that ....

[Az]

34. There is another joke in the bible about a bear and some kids

Its a real hoot. (2 Kings 2:24)

Sorry this joke and the one in the bible are not funny.

[antigone382]

37. When I first heard this joke, it was a baptist preacher in the woods.

And God didn't make a special appearance or anything (which according to fundy theology he doesn't do anyway); it was much funnier that way.

[ComerPerro]

39. So a Christian is walking in the woods

"I must thank God for these wonderful trees," he said.

"What a beautiful river God has made!"!

"What beautiful animals"!

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Christian cried out,"God, please help me"!!!

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"Sorry. God's will. You are going to die, right here, right now."

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear devoured the Christian.

[gtar100]

40. Analysis of the Words of God

Very funny joke. Still... I can't help but be impressed at how the author projects his or her (...okay, his) attitudes and prejudices on the characterization of God. Me thinks there's more under the surface.


"You deny my existence for all these years,..."
---
As if the most important thing for God is appreciation and He is willing to send a soul to Hell for eternity because He didn't get the recognition He thinks He deserves. That's rather shallow and self-serving.

"teach others I don't exist..."
---
The reference here is to the Christian belief in passing on the message. If God really wanted to teach others of his existence, He'd show up and personally have a nice, long chat with each individual in order to leave no doubt. Isn't that what any loving father and mother would do for their own children? But not the Christian God who plays hide and seek and smites the losers with an eternity in Hell.

"and even credit creation to cosmic accident."
---
Now there's an assumption if ever I saw one. I've never met a group of atheists who were as certain of the idea of "cosmic accident" as Christians are of "Cosmic Design". For God's sake, maybe we just don't know yet. It's okay not to know...really. Just don't shove your head in the sand or bury your head in a book (a subtle reference to the Bible) when knowledge contrary to belief becomes self-evident.

"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?..."
---
The notions of their God are antithetical to the idea of a creator of a God "who so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son". Jesus, if my child was about to be eaten by a bear, the last thing I would be concerned about was whether or not they had been obeying me. Their "loving God" would let the bear kill this man in a most painful and fearful manner. Then, not being done with this non-believer, He'd make sure that the man would go to Hell for eternity. I'm sorry this belief-system is full of bullshit...or in this case, bearshit.

"Am I to count you as a believer"?
Here is the ultimate aim of Christianity...to make 'believers'. Is God standing over this man with a clipboard ready to put a checkmark next to his name if he says yes? Or cross his name out if he says no? Again, this is no loving Father of creation. This is a Tyrannical Prick who has too much power for His own good. So in my mind this really isn't God at all. It's an imposter.

[jmowreader]

43. "Am I to count you as a believer?"

If you believe Jack Chick, then yes he would.

Read "Holy Joe" at http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0002/0002_01.asp





and you will soon see that you can reject God all your life, make a deathbed conversion and still get into heaven.

[jdj]

47. or he maybe said "shhhh, I'm hiding from those fucking christians."

"they keep trying to pin this Bush fellow on me, and I swear, I kicked his Dad out of heaven along time ago.

[Rapcw]

44. That's it! I'm converting now! n/t

[Behind the Aegis]

45. Here's a reply joke..not that great, but..well..read on.

A young pagan is struck down while crossing the street. As she ascends, she spies an man in a robe. The man welcomes her.

She asks; "Is this heaven?"

The man says; "It is known by many names."

She sees several doors. The man allows her to peek in and she sees a group of Jews debating various topics. She goes to the next door and peeks in and sees a number of Muslims sitting around playing games and eating good food. The she sees several more doors, but one door is vibrating because the people behind it are making such a ruckus. She runs to the door and spies Christians have a HUGE party, screaming, and dancing...a real throw down.

The young pagan turns to the robed man and says; "Why are the Christians have such a big party?"

The robed man says; "It is always like that. The think they are the only ones who made it to Heaven."

Bu-dum-bump! :)

[smurfygirl]

48. So, God is only for Christians?

What if you are not Christian? Does this mean whomever wrote this is saying that Jesus is GOD? Wouldn't that be against the first commandment?

This could start a whole new thread.
Regardless, the joke is stupid and shows even if you call out to God when it's time to get eaten by a bear even GOD can't save you. I thought Christians were loving, so I guess the author contends that Christians are brutal barbarians ready to eat the flesh of all whom don't fall under their Jesus factor. Typical.

[Cleita]

49. Oh, I heard another version of that about thirty years ago.

A bigoted, Catholic hating, Buddhist hating, Muslim hating, Jew hating fundamentalist Christian died and found himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked through his books and said there wasn't a reservation for him. But the man said, he was always a faithful Christian and Jesus himself should be there to greet him. Then the gates opened and Jesus came through them. The man looked up and said,

"Oh my God, Jesus Christ, a Jew!"

To which Jesus replied, "You asked for me?"

Okay, it's lame and it's late.