Dear God. You goofed.

[cornermouse]

When you made the planet, you goofed. You put in way too many trees and the mountains are too high and in the wrong places. You buried the minerals.

The air was too clean, too healthy, and smelled too good.

The water in the creeks, lakes, and rivers were too pure and needed some additives. The oceans are too big, too salty, and had too many fish. Some areas on the planet are just too wild.

Fortunately for you, we can correct your mistakes.

We have decided that those trees gotta go. If we get rid of them, we can grow more crops, build more houses, and not have to worry about forest fires.

We've replaced all that clear air with a lovely haze that we call smog. For a while, some misguided souls cut back on it, but now...well, let's just say we're making up for the time we lost.

The mountains and minerals are a two-for. If we knock the tops off those babies to get to the minerals, it'll all slide down into the valleys and create a more uniform and useful terrain.

All the clear sparkling water we used to have? Well, we added a few things here, some pollution there... Oh look, isn't that a fish swimming upside down? Hmm... Oh well.

We're working on correcting your error on the oceans. And that wilderness? Well, there ain't no one who can stop us from going anywhere we want. Its not like there's anything there but some animals. We don't need them anyway.

Anyway, I thought I'd just sort of update you on what we've done to fix the place up. Come by and visit us sometime. Tell us what you think about our improvements.

[MisterP]

1. *runs around in circles*

reminds me of one of Randroid's books where the whinging protagonists complain that there aren't billboards in the wilderness. That just stuck with me.

[NV Whino]

2. He also made avocado pits too big...

George Burns as God in Oh! God.