You were all correct, and I apologize. (also posted in the Lounge)

[Occulus]

I shouldn't treat a human being like the guy I love and live with as if he were a human being whose life was crushed into ashes because he got set up. I was totally wrong to have any sympathy for his situation, and I NEVER NEVER NEVER should have extended my hand in aid to him. I should have tossed him out as soon as I found out about his conviction, and I should have just totally discounted the "victim's" own testimony on the stand.

I ESPECIALLY shouldn't have paid off his fines and restitution and supervision fees because he wasn't able to find work. I guess I should have just let him stay on probation (he wasn't ever actually incarcerated). Shoot, had I done nothing, he'd STILL be on probation, if not locked up for being unable to pay the fees!

Boy, did *I* screw up! Shame on me for seeing someone unpopular in need!

I *never* should have held him when he sobbed over how effectively over his life is. I shouldn't have had enough of a heart beating in my chest to ask myself if I really support registry laws, because for God's sake, we have to protect your children at the cost of our personal psychological well-being, our sanity, our humanity.

Please forgive me for trying to make a point. It involved a sex offender, and I guess I'm just going to have to live with being told that the person I love is, metaphorically speaking, lower than pond scum.

I guess, in the end, I'm just going to flat give up hope that maybe someday he can have a life where he has a small, fractional scintilla of self respect or self esteem. Why the hell should I be there for him, anyway? According to sooooooo many, he and those like him don't deserve ANY basic human decency.

So maybe I should pack up all his things RIGHT NOW and toss them out into the rain along with him (in the same way, ironically, that my own parents did to me). I should change the locks, too, and tell everyone in our building how sorry I am for bringing such an eeeeeeevil thing- I won't use "person" because it's in vogue to not consider him as a person anymore- into their midst.

I guess I should cheer the fact that people like him can't get jobs, or even live in some areas. I should applaud the bumpersticker law in FL and, were we to move there, I should immediately give him the boot, because I don't have to tolerate that bumpersticker on my car; else, I just gotta suck it up. I should be punished right along with him for being foolish enough to love him. Hey, it's MY decision to be here with him, right? So I guess I deserve everything he has coming to him, too.

Most of all, I apologize to EVERYONE for having a heart big enough to do what all of those blindly, madly vindictive people out there are either unwilling or unable to do.

I am bloody fucking sorry I ever. Cared. At. All.

Is everyone happy now? I've admitted to God and the rest of the world how stupid it is to actually give a shit about people like him, and moreover, I've had it PROVEN to me here today.

Just remember: if this were to happen to you, and I knew you, I would be there for you as well. Not that that scores me any points with the "kill all the sex offenders" crowd. Truthfully, caring about the unpopular hasn't ever scored me any points at all, and that fact got handed to me on a silver platter with all the trimmings today.

I'm going to go sob for a while. I'll be back when all that silly compassion stuff gets out of my system.

edit: I thought VERY hard about not hitting the 'post' button on this, but in the end, I want EVERYONE to know just exactly how I feel about this. If I've stepped over the line, so be it.

I'll NEVER post on this topic again. I'm done defending people that nearly everyone else doesn't want to defend.

[roguevalley]

1. Do what is right for your heart. That is all that matters, honey.

[EFerrari]

2. From a vet, don't EVER let ANYONE overrule your gut.

Only YOU know what is best, YOU are the world's expert on your life.

If you mess up, YOU will deal with it.

And if YOU make unpopular but right decisions, YOU get to celebrate them.

Beth

on edit: I am behind your decisions for yourself 1000%. F*ck anyone who isn't 100% in your corner.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

3. I have no idea what this is about,

but I hope your venting here made you feel better. Getting it out of your system is always good.

I can sort of glean what went on, and all I can say is that asking a bunch of strangers on a message board for either validation or approval is pretty much a suicidal gesture.

I wish you both luck. Love is always a good thing.

[EFerrari]

6. Leftie, was is necessary to bring suicide into this thread?

I was counting on you to be the grown up.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

11. What on earth are you talking about?

Using an adjective upsets you?

Listen - if you think you can count on me for anything, give that illusion up right away. Expectations will be the death of those who cling to them. You don't know me - I don't know you.

It's a message board. Now, go spread joy.

[EFerrari]

12. got it.

And yes, adjectives can be quite upsetting. Words have a way of meaning.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

14. And skewed interpretations,

not to mention petulant and impotent attempts at scolding a stranger, can leave the reader just as clueless and biased as before.

[EFerrari]

15. I only wish I had the energy to do all you suggest I did.

:)

[OldLeftieLawyer]

19. Yeah, well,

at least you had the energy to try to take me to task for the appropriate use of a word.

Is there - seriously - anything substantive you might have to contribute? I've already got an editor and a publisher, thank you very much.

This is about the guy standing up for his boyfriend who is a registered sex offender, not adjectives and your discomfort with them.

[EFerrari]

22. Thank you for the browbeating. Now we will go back to

our scheduled progamming.

My question was only, did you have to drag suicide into this thread.

If you feel compelled to overreact all over me, that's fine.

Finally, you're not gonna impress me with your verbal skills, Leftie. I have sections full of people just as able.

/typin'

[OldLeftieLawyer]

29. Relax

I seriously doubt there'll be a suicide here at DU tonight, but, if there is, it'll be all your fault.

As for that "overreacting," well, that's hardly yours to gauge. But, you just gotta keep putting your foot in it, I guess.

You've got sections of people? Is that legal? The only ones I know are all in one piece.

[EFerrari]

35. You're right. And I didn't mean to tick you off at all

I guess I have to get some sleep, Louis, because I'm starting to talk gibberish.

My partner's only sib was a suicide. And he was just very sensitized to the bare mention. Very ugly, sad.

So, much as I enjoy your posts, I did hafta put my 8.5 foot into this one.

Beth

[OldLeftieLawyer]

40. You didn't tick me off at all

It was just sparring. But, who is Louis?

And, for the record, I went through a two-year period in my life when the five people who meant most to me died, three by suicide.

You did fine. Relax. Get some sleep.

[Just Me]

18. A truth: "expectations will be the death of those who cling to them".

Power is letting go of expectations.

I'm surprised this thread still stands,...on GD.

[EFerrari]

20. Expectation is definitely a b*tch. n/t

[Just Me]

13. C'mon,...this is inappropriate,...

,...highly emotionally charged and personal. I never believed being "grown up" means imposing responsibility for very personal decisions on others? :shrug:

Situations can be blamed on so many obscure things. Personal decisions are personal and no adult EXPECTS approval, let alone requests approval.

This does NOT belong in a publically-picked forum.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

16. I wanted to call my first book

"Growing Down," but my editor at HarperCollins wouldn't let me.

I still resent her for that, but, hey, I'm still spending Rupert Murdoch's $$$.

[Just Me]

21. *LOL*

Love the CAT, by the way!!!

[ultraist]

9. This is the thread he is referring to

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=104x3688226

His husband plead guilty to child molestation against his stepson (the son of his ex-wife) and is now on the registry. His solution is to create a registry for children who make false accusations. (He stated the stepson made a false accusation against his husband).

He and his husband are now having to suffer the repercussions of being on the registry which I can only imagine is a humiliating and trying situation. Regardless, most on that thread disagreed with his solution.

[Carni]

25. I have no idea either

I seem to miss a lot apparently.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

33. Me, too

But, you know what?

I don't think we're missing anything, really.

[Carni]

37. BTW I have a bone to pick with you!

Why pray tell are you serving MY cat beer at your establishment?

This may explain his recent mode of dress!

[OldLeftieLawyer]

41. Oh, jesus god...........

I thought I left my skirt in the bar.

Whew.

Tell him he can keep it.

[Bluebear]

4. This is why the Michael Jackson case is not "fluff"

Whilst all the posts about Jackson were relegated to the lounge because they are not "news", let it be remembered that if he is being set up it certainly is news and has implications for ANYONE.

I feel your aching and wish it were different.

[Just Me]

24. So, there is a connection?

Good grief!

I guess I am completely confused!!! :eyes:

I chose NOT to click on the lying children being placed on a list post,...'cause the topic heading seemed just plain stupid.

I do NOT know what this very personal situation involves.

If it relates to something that INVOLVES a greater misperception or injustice,...that experience should better relate to such things IMO.

'kay?

Perhaps, the frustration lies in the fact that, the message is unclear. Just my take.

[Pithlet]

39. It was very unclear

Apparently, he really doesn't think there should be a registry, but he threw it out there to make people think, and then those who took it at face value and disagreed are somehow real big jerks that don't care about people who are innocent being wrongly accused. I don't know. I wish I'd never participated in any of these threads. I'm sorry he and his husband are going through this. It's awful. If this had been a straightforward post in the lounge, I think there would have been nothing but an outpouring of sympathy from the good people at DU.

[Shoeempress]

5. Ignore everyone but yourself. When my husband told a "friend" of

his we were engaged, his "friend" responded, "You're going to marry her?!" That was about 24 years ago. Hubby and I are still happily married, and he and his "friend" are no longer in touch. So ignore everyone else, they don't matter so long as you are happy.

[ultraist]

7. Um, I don't think anyone on that thread told you not to be compassionate

Most people thought a registry system for CHILDREN who have been accused of making false accusations against adults was preposterous. How would you prove that they willingly, on their own accord made a false accusation? The few that do make false claims are more often than not, being coached by ADULTS.

On one hand, you are complaining about a registry system, yet, even though you state it's flawed, you think that there should be one for CHILDREN. Get real.

Furthermore, you stated your husband pleaded guilty to child molestation and your solution is a punitive measure against all children who end up in this unfortunate situation.

I don't think you will find a lot of support for punitive measures against children in order to protect child molestors or those accused of child molestation on DU.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

17. Pleading guilty to something like child molestation?

And now the lamentations are that he has to register?

Well, hell, he knew that when he copped the plea.

So, what's the big deal?

I get a sense of a serious anti-child animus here.

[Occulus]

30. no he did NOT know that when he pled

The registry requirements actually went into effect AFTER his plea was entered. I just asked him; he finally got home just now.

THE MICHIGAN REGISTRY, FOR HIM, WAS AN EX POST FACTO LAW. He wasn't aware of it before his plea. It had not yet been put into effect.

The sentiment is anti-LYING-child animus. The sentiment is anger at a system that throws a life into the shitter for a trivial nonoffense inflated to felony scale.

[Blue_In_AK]

36. kgfnally, my X too was caught up in registration laws

enacted 14 years after he committed adult rape at the age of 19. He is now 45 and has never committed another sexual offense. Despite the ex post facto nature of the registration law, he will be required to register until he dies. It sucks, for sure, especially because he is no longer a danger to anybody (most especially not children), but I learned to live with it for many years and I still support him. (Our divorce was unrelated.) All I can tell you is to grow another layer of thick skin and go with your gut. If you love this man and trust him, then you are not foolish to lend him your support. I'm not so sure I can support you, though, on a registry for lying children. I personally don't favor registries for anybody -- although I do understand the sentiment -- but that's just me.

[Just Me]

8. Wow! I wish you felt comfortable enough with your decision,...

,...without feeling compelled to post your uncertainties here.

:hug:

The only person who owns your decision is you. I feel great empathy for your circumstances but can not offer you relief from your decision. Maybe, you are projecting your own doubt?

Maybe, maybe you aren't defending those who NEED a defense.

:hug:

Take a break.

[progressivebydesign]

10. I read your other post and the replies.. hmmmm...

In the original thread you called him your husband, and here it's the guy you live with. On the original thread you made it sound like he was convicted while you were married or together.. sounds here like you basically are accepting his version of being "railroaded" into a conviction. Believe whatever makes you happy... if that's what your heart tells you.

I'm perfectly happy being as far removed as possible from sexual offenders. I"m sorry you chose to do the things you did for your man, if you seem bent on becoming some sort of martyr over it.

yes.. kids have lied in the past. Investigations and trials take care of that... and the kids are usually found out. Hardlly a case for a registry of kids that lied.. and frankly you don't KNOW if the kid and ex-wife lied, you're getting the second hand story.

Your original thread was bizzarre and an insult to victims of sexual assault everywhere. You have an axe to grind with the system because you think your man has been wronged. I'm still trying to figure out why you dragged 70,000 strangers into this.

[Occulus]

28. well, we're both GAY

so I, unlike some, can use "husband", "partner", roommate", and "guy I live with" pretty much interchangably.

I explicitly stated in the other thread that this all happened BEFORE we met.

And as to the rest, toddle on believeing what you want to believe. In truth, I don't NEED to believe HIM... I have the transcripts. They tell me everything I need to know, based solely on the testimony of the "victim".

Bizarre? Insulting? What's bizarre and insulting, friend, is that *I* have to be ever aware of the fact that my address is on that registry too. What's bizarre and insulting is that, were MI ever to pass a "bumpersticker law", *I* would have to put one on MY car because HE occasionally drives it. What's bizarre and insulting are the email alerts the people living right across the hall from me can get, for which *I* will be judged by them.

What's bizarre and insulting is some people's 'scarlet letter' justice. America has no. Place. For. It. Period. I am unequivocally against any sex offender registry. I am against criminal registries in any form. They are wrong, they make me less safe, and I should in no way be expected to tolerate it.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

32. Registries are a troubling concept, I agree

But, if you think you got the whole story by reading court transcripts, I can assure you, you did not.

When he chose to plead guilty - a very big step - he knew that the registry was part of it. I do not understand all the brouhaha about it now, since that, too, took place, as you said, before you met him.

All justice is scarlet letter justice, by the way. Felons don't get to vote, and that's just part of what people endure after their sentences are served. It's always good to stay out of the system, but now that your partner is in it, as rough as it is, you do have to make your peace with it.

Is there any chance he can get the matter expunged? It's a long shot, but certainly worth exploring.

[seabeyond]

23. this is the SHAME of the democrats

that have been posted a lot here the last couple days. shame shame

i posted on my brothers experience in your thread. minimal information. the reply i get, so disrespectful

knock knock, any one there. really offensive. it was the perfect example what our society is doing in this situation. i too wanted to figure out how to repost on a new thread. showing the info i gave, and the response i received.

this is a bigger issue than just a simple protect girls at all cost. because i am telling you, things will shift so over to the protect the women, it will be beyond unfair. and nothing, will be accomplished with that

kgfnally......i am sorry you expected anything more. it would be people getting beyond anger and it would be a lot of people getting beyond their own pain, in order to help resolve this issue

on edit: i am not suggesting a registry, i dont agree with that.

[seabeyond]

38. democrats have their social issues. they worked hard for these

important social issues. they were needing to be addressed, badly. and democrats worked their ass off to fight the system and protect the victim. and accomplished a lot to make society a more progressive place. but then what inevitably happens.....

conflicts arise over the course of time. and instead of acknowledging these conflicts of fairness, we protect what we fought for with all our might, not willing to budge an inch, because after all we are fearful all the hard work will be undone.

then we become insensitive to other victims, but they arent our victims so we ignore them, because we still are protecting our project.

it isnt just this issue, there are others

i am going to just leave it here for now. i have more thoughts on this. i have been thinking about it for a while, in a lot of different ways. i prefer to see the truth in things, and try to find solutions, for all people, in this very imperfect world and not ignore the injustices to any members of our society.

[gollygee]

26. This is a tricky thing

I agree with you that kids, particularly pre teens and young teens, sometimes lie about sexual abuse to get rid of a step parent or whatever. But setting up another registry isn't a solution. First, if the kid were a proven liar, your husband wouldn't be on the sex offender's registry. The accuser isn't a proven liar, you strongly believe he's a liar based on what he said, but the accuser would have to be convicted of providing a false police report or something to be put on a registry. Second, I'm afraid it would keep kids who actually are abused from telling anyone for fear they'd end up on this second registry. That would also be a tragedy.

I think the problem is how the sexual abuse registry is used and what information is available on it (and not available), how sexual abuse trials are handled, and perhaps in your husband's case how bigotry against the GLBT community reaches into other issues that come up. Also, obviously, that people should never be compelled, talked into, or encouraged to plead guilty to something they didn't do.

I have mixed feelings about the sexual abusers list. I'm a parent and I want to know if there's a sex abuser around here. On the other hand, I wish they had more information. The only list I've seen so far just said if someone was on the list or not - there was no differentiation between urinating in public and first-degree criminal sexual conduct. Plus, I wish it told how often the person had been convicted. And of course I always wish that people were never convicted of crimes they didn't commit.

I don't know what the answer is, but I feel confident another registry isn't it.

[Q3JR4]

27. My sister married a man

who has had to register as a sex offender because of someone in his life that hated him. She saw all of the court papers and everything even those that have the young girl changing her story.

He moved back to her home state with her and had to re-register. They plan to move closer to where I am and they told me--I happen to be looking for a home for them--that it has to be far away from any schools.

I think the registry is a good idea in some instances, but they need to give you a chance to remove your name from the list if they find out that you've been falsly accused.

I just wanted to say that I support my sister and her husband, no matter what anyone has to say about either of them. I don't have as close a relationship with them as you do to your significant other, but rest assure that you aren't alone in loving someone who has this stigma hanging over their heads.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

You can't let a few insignificant little specs (no matter what their political persuasions are) get you down. You've got to do what's right for you, fuck everyone else and what they think.

[Occulus]

31. I'm done with this.

I'm just... I'm done. No more.

Let this sink.

[MoonRiver]

34. What's the point of this thread?

If you believe in your husband why do you care what internet strangers think? To me this is a private, family matter. I guess I'm confused about your reason(s) for exposing all this in front of the internet world, as it were. If you need support, surely there are some closer to home who you can call on for help. We're strangers. Personally, given a choice and with no corroborating evidence one way or another, I'll ALWAYS be on the side of a child. DU is not a jury, so don't expect us to do more than go beyond our knee jerk beliefs. Children have been and still are horrifically abused by adults. Most of us have children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, godchildren, etc. We love those kids, cause they are adorable, loveable, small and innocent. Why on earth would you expect people to not support the kid, given zero information (e.g. court transcripts) to refute our gut feelings?

[UTUSN]

42. Sorry, But I'm with Dr Laura on This One - Side with the VICTIM not PERP

[IdaBriggs]

43. Same here. nt

[BiggJawn]

44. So they chewed on you, too, huh?

Random Chance forbid that any of THEM ever make a mistake and get lumped into a scapegoat group, right?

I was told "If you don't like it, YOU move!"
That's assinine, I doen't even LIVE in New Joisy, much less Hamilton!

:hug:

[Moderator]

45. Locking.

The OP has indicated that this topic is closed.

Thanks for your consideration.
DU Mod