Dear Red States

[ls317]

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too.
You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New California.

[Lucky Luciano]

1. Pretty funny! nt

[getmeouttahere]

2. As much as I like the idea of California becoming it's own country....

this rant sounds a little too jingoistic for my tastes...especially coming from a DUer

[ls317]

6. Own Country

Very dear friend sent that to me ,and they have lived in California for the past 35 years!

[noahmijo]

3. Just one question

When this actually happens can those of us living in the red states move to the blue states please???

[annabanana]

13. of course m'dear..

The more the merrier!

[noahmijo]

17. I actually plan on moving myself and the girl up to Washington State

just as soon as she graduates. If not Washington State then hopefully back to the Northeast which I miss (I moved to Arizona due my father's job and I've hated it since)

[DIKB]

4. I detest the whole

Red state vs. Blue state stance simply b/c I'm a liberal living in a red state. I must admit I enjoyed your post though. I would LOVE it if there was a secession, Let the neocons have their fascist theocracy. I want no part of it.

[dave502d]

5. Can I kick this? this is good.thank you.n/t

[DuckBurp]

7. OK. Go ahead and leave.

Right now I am of above average intelligence in my country. When you all leave, I'll be a GENIUS here!

DuckBurp in Texas

[Kerrytravelers]

11. Self-edit for being a poo-poo head and not reading carefully!

My apologies!

[DireStrike]

12. .

I don't read him as a disruptor.

Welcome to DU, DuckBurp! Don't mind the backbiting, it's what we freethinkers do. Keeps your mind healthy.

[DuckBurp]

14. Thanks. I was trying to be humorous.

It's hard enough voting blue but living in a red state among political neanderthals.

[kittenpants]

15. lol, I don't think "somebody" got the joke!

welcome to DU--I thought it was funny btw!

[Kerrytravelers]

18. Well, am I red faced!

:blush:

I read your post as yes, blue voters, please leave.


Glad I'm wrong and welcome to DU! :hi:


Here is an olive branch to you!

[DuckBurp]

22. Apology not needed.

Sometimes my attempts at humor are too subtle.

Thanks.

[Kerrytravelers]

43. No, an apology is totally needed by me.I must learn to read more carefully

Your post was fine, I just had a different frame of mind when I first read it and completly took it the wrong way.

Welcome to DU. I'm glad you're not a disruptor and I'm also glad to see other DUers stick up for you and make you feel welcome. We really are a friendly group!

[cally]

19. Welcome to DU

I thought your joke was funny but sometimes my sense of humor is warped.

[ls317]

20. Dear Red States

Thank You

[newyawker99]

32. Hi DuckBurp!!

Welcome to DU!! :toast:

[Toots]

35. A genius in Gitmo

You think they are gunna want you around to remind them how retarded they are?

[Kerrytravelers]

8. If we did break into two countries...

I think all libs leaving red states for blue ones get to live tax free for a set number of years... you know they deserve it with such horrible former neighbors.

And, for the red voters in the red states? GOOD BYE!!!!!!!!

[tnlefty]

27. Could it be called "Freedom from Trauma Tax Exemption"?

for 'post red-state related disorder'.

[Arugula Latte]

9. We get the best beaches.

That says it all. That's the whole shebang.

Here's a toast to the coast: :toast:

[Arugula Latte]

10. P.S. They have to keep Branson, Missouri

BWAA HA HA!!

[Auntie Bush]

16. If we're going to do it...we'd better hurry because Rummy will have

most of the military in the South. So the sooner the better!

[MuseRider]

21. Welcome to DU.

I don't want to spoil your fun but do you have any idea how hard we in the red states are working to simply keep our states from dropping over the abyss? This is old, it went through DU about 25 times before people started getting mad about it.

Just remember, we are trying our hardest. Not a day goes by that I am not doing something for the Democrats or for gay rights or for justice or education, not one single day goes by that I am not bouncing my head off that same damned brick wall. Many of us are doing that. I just got back from a meeting doing that. Then I come here and see this again. Think about it.

I do mean the welcome, we need everyone here but this, well this just pisses me off all over again.

I live here because it is my home, if I wanted to live in a blue state I would be there already.

[City Lights]

23. Thanks for the laugh!

:D This "red stater" needed it. I'm not at all offended by the blue state vs. red state thing, and am the first to admit that my state pretty much sucks. :hi:

[BiggJawn]

24. But we get all the popcorn, and I'm not sharin'...

And single moms are actually pretty good in the hay, iffn y'know whuttamean...

And to show there's no hard feelings, I'll let you take our Meth Labs, too! PLEASE!!!

[NawlinsNed]

25. Does this mean blue states keep all their pop music too?

Cuz, you know, we don't need any.

And remember that heating oil shortage last year? Not our problem. Come to think of it, break out those hybrids, cuz you're gonna need em. We have all the oil pipelines and the best supply chain technology. That lettuce you want to deprive us of? Guess what it's gonna cost your east coast buddies once Canada realizes you'll have to ship through them.

[Bridget Burke]

31. Hey--they've got John Tesh & Kenny G!

What more could they want?

[lastliberalintexas]

37. We grow lettuce in S Texas- no worries

Welcome to DU! :)

[Blue_In_AK]

26. As a red-stater, may I say

that really bites. Stereotyping isn't nice.

[BearClaws]

28. Let's take more!

I love the mountains!
I want Yellowstone, Bryce, Montana, Colorado and Alaska too!

[Blue_In_AK]

33. There you go...

Alaska may be a red state, but the people up here aren't all that bad, and we came really close to electing a Democratic senator last year. Only some last-minute shenanigans by Ted Stevens got Lisa Murkowski elected, and she's turning out to be somewhat moderate (a surprise). I noticed that she didn't vote yesterday for Judge Pryor. I'd rather she voted against him, but at least she didn't vote for.

[SheepyMcSheepster]

29. Thanks for propogating Right Wing talking points

you sir are fighting the good fight. keep up it. it is the answer to all our problems. belittling people based on geography. fantatic job! this is sure to lead to something meaninful and constructive! bravo bravo!

:sarcasm:

[Bridget Burke]

30. What an "original" piece of spam.

More maps here: http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mejn/election/

What about the folks in Fresno? And don't forget your wonderful Governor. California is a great state--but it gave us Richard Nixon & Ronald Reagan.

[lastliberalintexas]

38. Yeah, look at all that red on the Left Coast

Do those people get deported?


And as a side note- doesn't S Texas look pretty on that map? :)

[AX10]

34. The "Grand Ole Opry" should be demolished and replaced.....

with a concrete block. It would be more attractive.

[tedoll78]

36. Any statisticians around?

I'd like to know..

Have you ever seen those studies done where the 50 states' educational systems are compared (test scores, etc)? And those studies where the U.S. is compared to the rest of the world?

I'd like to see a Red versus Blue analysis in this context. The U.S., last time I looked, was somewhere in the high teens (19th) on one worldwide test score ranking. I'd love to see where theoretical Red America and Blue America rank worldwide. How far would Blue America move up - into the single digits, perhaps? And how far would Red American fall down? 30's? 40's?

As a lifelong Red Stater, I'd like to see us try an election advertising experiment where we compare various quality of life issues between the two groups of states. The experiment would be this:
- we pick a number of races in districts where we probably won't win (where we're basically long-shots).
- we advertise on television in 15-second segments. The idea?
A car pulls-up to an intersection in the middle of nowhere. To the West is a barren desert. To the East, a fertile plain.
Narrator: "Red States have {these statistics}, Blue States have {these statistics}; which direction do you want YOUR state to go in?"
- Make various versions of the ad, covering all sorts of issues. Child health, education, environmental quality, financial health, etc.
- then, see if the race ends-up any closer. Or if we actually pull-off some victories.

I've always wanted to try this. Where we actually say to the voters, "yeah, we're Democrats, and yeah, we DO know better than Republicans. The results speak for themselves."

[paula777]

39. Not me - but your idea for a commercial is a GREAT IDEA

I would love to see it.

[Kazak]

40. Wait...I'm coming!!!

*packs up and moves on out*

[rinsd]

41. Of course without other Blue states....

....CA would be destroyed by its lack of water.

[CambridgeDem]

42. Ha